By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

A vandal scribbled KISS masks on an ad in a Williamsburg subway station just four blocks from the Havemeyer Street church where police found a statue of the Madonna and child defaced to resemble the 1970s rockers on Wednesday.

The graffiti writer scrawled marks that look like the makeup worn by KISS bassist Gene Simmons and guitarist Paul Stanley on two models in an ad for the hair care company Miss Jessie’s Original inside the Lorimer Street station over the weekend.

The new graffiti closely resembles the church scrawlings, but unlike the religious vandalism that left the baby Jesus statue with a star around its left eye, the perp marked up the model’s right eye — which is how Stanley wears his makeup.

Police said on Friday they believe the suspect in the religious vandalism at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church is a KISS fan, although it is possible the prankster was just emulating his favorite scene in the classic slacker anthem, “Dazed and Confused.”

A spokeswoman for Gene Simmons declined to comment. An MTA spokesman referred comments to the NYPD, which is currently investigating the subway graffiti.

The hair metal band has deep connections with Williamsburg, where the tribute graffiti has emerged.

Simmons attended Yeshiva in South Williamsburg as a child and Peter Criss, the band’s original drummer, also grew up in the neighborhood.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Police are searching for a man — possibly a KISS-masked man — who defaced two religious statues outside a Williamsburg church to make them resemble 1970s rockers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

Detectives are trying to track down the person who scribbled KISS makeup on a sculpture of the Madonna and child and knocked over another figurine at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church on overnight on Tuesday — and they are working off of one major clue.

“We are looking for a KISS fan,” said Deputy Inspector Terence Hurson, the comanding officer of the 94th Precinct.

Other than the culprit’s familiarity with KISS, Hurson said his cops have no leads.

Pastor Joseph Calise told The Brooklyn Paper yesterday that many people have offered to pay for the repairs, and referred all questions to the Roman Catholic Diocese of Brooklyn.

The vandalism outraged parishioners and community leaders, including Assemblyman Joe Lentol (D–Williamsburg), who regularly worships at the Havemeyer Street church and described the destruction of sacred property as “malicious mischief.”

Councilman and sometimes bassist Steve Levin (D–Williamsburg) acknowledged that he prays at the temple of rock and roll, but said he could not condone defiling any house of worship.

“I have no kind words for whoever did this — they are in very serious trouble if they get caught,” said Levin. “They do a real disservice to rock and roll.”

A spokesperson for Simmons, the KISS bassist, did not return calls for comment. Before he donned his KISS makeup, the rocker attended Jewish religious school in Williamsburg at Yeshiva Torah Vodaas, which later moved to Kensington.

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

Don’t call him a cold criminal.

A thief made off with four “tree sweaters” knit by a Park Slope artist who had fashioned the outfits for arbors to “make the dullest, coldest months feel warmer.”

The sweater-snatching rascal swiped the handmade garments from a strip of leafless trees on 16th Street, leaving them embarrassingly naked and prompting an all-out yarnhunt.

“We have searched the immediate neighborhood in case they were dumped somewhere,” said Laurie Russell, who spent months conceiving and crafting the street art. “We have put up signs.”

The crook removed the colorful, cylindrical garments — which resemble sweaters for giant wiener dogs — around 3 pm on Sunday between Sixth and Seventh avenues, Russell said.

Russell, a 58-year-old painter, first hung the grandma-goes-graffiti art four years ago, adding new pieces in orange, blue and pink each winter since. She hoped it would urge passers-by to “rethink their environment.”

“It’s a gesture of compassion for the tree even though I know it doesn’t actually do anything,” she told The Brooklyn Paper in January.

A police spokesman for the 78th precinct said he had no information about the disappearing arbor outfits and two city agencies — the Parks Department and the Department of Sanitation — said the city isn’t responsible for stripping down the newly nude trees.

Russell is now turning to neighbors for help.

“If you hear of anything,” she said. “Please let me know.”

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

The force is no longer with him.

Jedi Master Flynn Michael is searching the galaxy far and wide for his stolen lightsaber — and you, Brooklyn Paper readers, may be his only hope.

The Bedford-Stuyvesant engineer was at a Myrtle Avenue bar last fall when a thief snatched what Obi-Wan Kenobi once described as “an elegant weapon for a more civilized age” — a $400 custom sword Michael used to teach young Jedi honor and self-esteem.

“Who steals somebody’s lightsaber? It’s like stealing someone’s toy out of the sandbox,” said Michael, the founder of New York Jedi, a stage combat performance group. “I finally got my uber custom saber, and then some jerk walks out with it.

“I guess that’s the joke — some Jedi I turned out to be,” he said.

On Sept. 22, Brooklyn’s own Obi-Wan met some padawans at Project Parlor and set his saber beneath the bar. A few hours later, at about 2:13 am, a bearded dark lord grabbed it and fled, according to Michael.

The Jedi says he caught the phantom menace on a security camera, but didn’t go to cops, saying that police reports would be useless. Instead, he put up about a dozen flyers along Myrtle Avenue with the alleged crook’s photo, imploring him to return the flashy light saber.

Then, in December, Michael stood face-to-face with the dark side when the suspected Sith returned to the bar.

But, alas, the scruffy-looking nerf-herder denied taking the blade.

Fellow Jedi were stunned by the gravity of the crime.

“Who the f--k steals a lightsaber?” said Tyler Welsek. “And from the bar Flynn goes to all the time? He’s known there.”

In “Star Wars” lore, a Jedi builds his own laser sword so it is as unique as its owner. Michael crafted his brand for the character of a Tibetan Jedi, using an orange laser and a hilt with drawings of two Tibetan foo dogs and a lotus.

“It was perfect,” he said. “It really reflected my performance style.”

Michael — a self-proclaimed “Star Wars” dork — founded New York Jedi seven years ago with a few fellow saber-masters. There’s no formal Jedi training school, but most members have backgrounds in acting, Kung-Fu, Jiu-Jitsu and ballet.

Every Thursday night, a different Jedi Master leads a class at DANY Studios on 38th Street and Eighth Avenue in Manhattan, but the classes focus on stage combat rather than self-defense — so don’t expect Michael to use (physical) force.

Instead, Michael hopes the thief will decide to return the lightsaber, but until he does the Jedi will be “Hands Solo,” borrowing sabers from pals and using a cobbled-together blade that doesn’t even light up.

“I’m waiting on his conscience to get to him,” said the Jedi Master, who is offering a $100 reward for the lightsaber. “We’re teaching people how to be heroes, and I need it back.”

Anyone with information on the alleged thief, who witnesses described as a bearded man in a button-down shirt and slacks, can contact Flynn at thrillsandskills@gmail.com.

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By Daniel Bush

The Brooklyn Paper

The toxic sludge that makes the Gowanus Canal an environmental nightmare would be the foundation for a new park just blocks from the fetid waterway, under a federal proposal.

The Environmental Protection Agency is considering burying some of the sludge dredged from the canal during the Superfund cleanup in new landfills at the Fourth Street Basin in Gowanus and the Columbia Street Grain Elevator in Red Hook — two sites just a stone’s throw away from the foul-smelling inlet — then topping the muck with soil to create permanent man-made open space.

The EPA has built similar so-called confined disposal facilities to store treated waste at other toxic sites, including one at the Waukegan Harbor off Lake Michigan in Illinois that was converted into a grassy park space as part of a government cleanup funded by polluters, said the EPA’s Gowanus Canal Superfund project manager Christos Tsiamis.

Workers would retrieve filthy sediment from the least contaminated sections of the canal that don’t contain coal tar, treat the gunk to remove harmful pollutants, and place the sludge in sealed containers roughly eight to 15 feet underground, Tsiamis said.

These steps will ensure sediment scraped from the bottom of the canal, which contains cancer-causing chemicals, will not pose health risks, feds claim.

“[By then] it’s not toxic to the touch,” Tsiamis said. “It’s not a dump for toxic materials.”

The EPA is also studying six other ways to get rid of the contaminated sludge at the bottom of the canal, which is loaded with heavy metals, chemicals and coal tar from manufactured gas plants that operated on the banks of the Gowanus for more than a century.

Cleaning up the gunk is just one part of the proposed $500 million Superfund cleanup — and turning the sludge into Brooklyn landfill is likely cheaper than transporting it to an out-of-state treatment plant or dump, Tsiamis said.

Compassionate conservationists in Gowanus said they could live with the sludge parks — if the waste is disposed of properly.

“There’s a social injustice in putting our waste in another community,” said Andy Simon, the president of the Gowanus Canal Conservancy. “We’re not opposed to [storing it locally] if the EPA can store it safely.”

Marlene Donnelly, a member of Friends and Residents of Greater Gowanus, says the putrid sediment shouldn’t stray far from its home.

“[The sludge] is already in our backyard,” said Donnelly. “It’s the pollution that made Brooklyn. We should live with the result.

“To take our waste and dump it in someone else’s backyard is not a good thing.”

The defunct silo complex at the foot of Columbia Street was proposed as a possible storage location by members of the community advisory group monitoring the Superfund cleanup, Tsiamis said.

But the site is privately owned, potentially complicating its transition to a public park.

The Army Corps of Engineers first proposed using the Fourth Street Basin as a storage facility for contaminated waste in a study on ways to restore the Gowanus that was shelved when the EPA took control of cleaning the waterway in 2009.

The basin, which forms a spur off the canal at Fourth Street, collects stormwater runoff and abuts the proposed Whole Foods site at Third Street and Third Avenue.

A Whole Foods spokesman did not return calls seeking comment.

The EPA is set to announce a final cleanup plan for the canal later this year, four years before its Superfund cleanup is scheduled to begin.

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By Carmine Santa Maria

for The Brooklyn Paper

I’m madder than a cockroach who bought land in Bigfoot’s cave, and now spends his days and nights avoiding those big feet over the fact that I don’t know anything about basket-ball, except the fact that the players today where much baggier pants then they did when I was a Little Screecher.

Look, you all know that I know nothing about basket-ball (editor’s note: including how it is spelled) and because of this, I’m at a loss for words about how to describe Coney Island’s Dynamic Duo, and the first Bensonhurst West End Community Council (commonly know as “BWECC,” which sounds like something from MAD Magazine) honorees that I will profile in this space: Salema and Don Marbury.

Now, I know what you are thinking: Carmine, how the heck can you profile the Marbury’s when you know absolutely nothing about basketball? The answer: use your imagination! Or in this case, think inside the box. Because the fact is that this great Coney couple is about a lot more than the hardwood.

I met Salema Dawson before she became a Marbury. She grew up in Hollis, Queens, a neighboring neighborhood in a neighboring borough, where she attended Jamaica HS (which is, in fact, in New York, and not the Caribbean). She got her bachelors of science degree in applied mathematics from Stony Brook University, a master of science degree in secondary school math education from Lehman College, and a masters of arts degree in educational administration from City College. So let’s just say she’s been to school.

Salema is the principal of PS 329 in Coney Island, but began her career in 1988 as a teacher at IS 116 in the South Bronx, and Mark Twain Intermediate School for the Gifted and Talented in Coney Island. Her first passion was teaching math, but her claim to fame has been her commitment to developing programs to improve kids’ self esteem and steering them in the right direction.

F’rinstance, Salema realized early on in her career that many children dream of growing up to become rich and famous, hoping to become one of the “icons” they idolize on MTV and ESPN. But Salema knew that the odds of joining the ranks of the rich and famous are slim. So she spearheaded various initiatives that prepare kids for the realization that not everyone ends up on stage or in professional sports.

Salema established many programs at the Surfside School since 1995, including the school’s Young Entrepreneurship Program. During their first venture, the students redesigned their school uniforms to create a more fashionable and affordable school attire, naming their clothing line, “Surfside Gear”.

She also initiated the schools first Student Government and Leadership Academy and developed the schools performing arts program. Moreover, she writes, co-produces and co-directs their annual drama and dance productions.

Salema was appointed as assistant principal of PS 329 in 1998, and became principal in 2008.

Salema believes that all of her students posses a unique talent, and encourages them to “never surrender their dreams,” and strives to ensure that each of them will have the confidence needed to reach their potential. She is most proud of the integral part she and her committed staff have played in establishing the Surfside School into what many have referred to as, “Coney Island’s best-kept secret.”

Don Everette Marbury, a successful entrepreneur and business owner grew up in Coney Island. He is also a parent coordinator at Public School 18 in Staten Island. Don was born into a basketball dynasty. He and his brothers were local legends and star hoopsters at Lincoln HS. In fact, the Marbury’s are the only American family to have five brothers play division-one college basketball.

“Sky Pup” was a 6-foot-3 guard with a remarkable shot. He led the Southwest Conference in scoring with Texas A&M in 1986, but went undrafted. In 1987, Don was recruited to play professional basket-ball in Malta. His professional career lasted only one year due to a knee injury, and in 1988 Don returned home to complete his college education.

In 1993 Don received his Bachelor of Integrated Studies Degree from Weber State University in Ogden, Utah. His mission to inspire and educate Coney Island’s youth began that same year when he was hired as the assistant physical education director of the Coney Island Boys and Girls Club.

His dedication to our youth deepened when he accepted a physical education teaching position at PS 288 in 1995, and assisted his younger brother, former NBA star, Stephon Marbury with establishing The Team Marbury Charitable Foundation in 1996.

As president of Team Marbury, Don organizes numerous community events, including the annual Stephon Marbury and Sebastian Telfair Basketball Classics, the annual Stephon Marbury Thanksgiving Turkey Giveaway, Starbury Giveback Day, the Stephon Marbury Summer Read to Achieve Program, and Star Cuts-Free Haircuts.

Don’s commitment to community initiatives is undying. He works tirelessly to enrich the lives of young people and their families throughout Brooklyn and abroad.

So now that I’ve unveiled Coney Island’s best kept secret, the dynamic duo of Salema and Don Marbury, you understand why BWECC chose this incredibly devoted and tireless activist couple as its Couple of the Year, who will be feted at the El Caribe on March 22.

Individually they can easily serve as icons, role models for our youth. Together they have set a criterion of excellence hard to achieve. Congratulations Salema and Don!

Screech at you next week!

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

A politically connected charter school broke state law by switching school districts to get space in wealthy Cobble Hill rather than less desirable neighborhoods, according to the angry parents behind a bombshell lawsuit.

Furious moms and dads from two public middle schools and high schools are demanding that former Manhattan Councilwoman Eva Moskowitz abandon her plans to open a new grade school in their building on Baltic and Court streets, claiming in the suit that her mini-education empire the Success Charter Network “unlawfully circumvented” state education rules to open in their community.

“They’re not playing by the rules,” said Coleen Mingo, whose son attends the School for International Studies, which shares space in the school building with the Brooklyn School for Global Studies. “They’ve left us no other choice but to sue.”

The State University of New York approved Moskowitz’s plan to “open, operate and maintain” a new charter school in Districts 13 or 14, which include Downtown, Brooklyn Heights, Fort Greene, Clinton Hill, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Williamsburg, Greenpoint, Prospect Heights, and part of Park Slope — but not Cobble Hill, which is in District 15.

The city signed off on Moskowitz’s plan, but opponents say that approval is moot because the state never granted “Brooklyn Success Academy 3” permission to open in their neighborhood.

“It’s an injustice,” said Cobble Hill mom Jacqueline Johnson, who is one of more than two dozen charter school opponents filing the lawsuit. “This is an instance of stealing from the poor to give to the rich.

In order to switch school districts, Success Charter Network must submit a revised proposal that gives District 15 “45 days notice” and provides “an analysis of community support,” according to the lawsuit.

The legal action comes after dozens of furious parents and teachers stormed a Department of Education hearing to protest Moskowitz’s charter school in December, saying it would snatch facilities such as gym and cafeteria space from existing students and overcrowd the building.

A spokesman for the Department of Education, which is also named in the suit, declined to comment, citing a policy about pending litigation. But a representative from Success Charter Network defended the school, saying there’s plenty of support for it in Cobble Hill.There’s already a waiting list of families who want to attend the charter school, said Jenny Sedlis a director with Success Charter Network.

“It’s unfortunate that a few adults intent on protecting the status quo would sue to sacrifice the possibility of a brighter education and future for hundreds of children,” Sedlis said in a statement. “We will fight this lawsuit vigorously.”

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

Children walking to school will be hit by unseen, speeding cars unless the city installs bumps and mirrors at a dangerous Hicks Street intersection, claim Cobble Hill parents.

As a service road for the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, Hicks Street attracts plenty of hurried drivers — but in recent years, the crossing at Kane Street has become packed with children heading to PS 29 two blocks away, according to families.

“People are in a rush and can’t see the little kids about to cross the street,” said Madeley Rodriguez, the mother of a PS 29 second-grader who has witnessed several near-misses. “If we don’t fix it now, something bad is bound to happen.”

Hicks Street has two lanes of northbound traffic and one lane of southbound traffic, separated by a median that serves as an overpass above the highway. Pedestrians — many of them condo dwellers on Tiffany Place — say crossing from the median is particularly dangerous because motorists tend to hug the curb and a tall fence obstructs views, making it difficult for drivers to see walkers and vice versa.

Even with stop lights and a crossing guard, parents say the corner is an accident waiting to happen.

“The neighborhood is changing and the street is not,” said Rebecca Katz, who lives near the intersection and doesn’t let her toddler out of his stroller when they walk past. “Every weekday, you see a bunch of kids coming over the BQE with huge trucks racing by.”

Officials with the Department of Transportation met with residents last week to discuss installing speed bumps on Hicks Street and other nearby danger zones, including Henry and Kane streets and Henry and Baltic streets — a process that would require a months-long study.

A Transportation spokeswoman said that the agency will look into extending the sidewalks on Kane and Hicks streets and provide a temporary speed board in the area.

Slowing down motorists on their way to the BQE won’t be easy — but parents say the city must do something before it’s too late.

“Everyone is frightened, yet we have all this talk and no action,” Katz said.

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

An award-winning chef famous for his Thai chicken wings will open a hotly anticipated eatery on Columbia Street — and it could be a sign the quiet waterfront neighborhood is ready to emerge as the borough’s next dining destination.

Food wizard Andy Ricker, who last year won a James Beard Award (essentially the Oscars of cooking), will turn a storefront near Kane Street into the East Coast outpost of Pok Pok, a beloved Portland eatery that serves authentic northern Thai street grub.

Ricker — who the New York Times called the “ambassador for Thai food in the United States”— said he chose the hood after months of research for three reasons: rent is reasonable, it’s near the water, and it’s on the brink of something big.

“I like being in areas that are underdeveloped or up-and-coming and the Columbia Waterfront certainly fits that profile,” he said. “[It] is special for a lot of reasons.”

Food critics, restaurateurs and civic leaders have long whispered about the street’s chances of becoming a new “restaurant row.” And Columbia Street is certainly on the upswing, thanks in part to an influx of new residents at nearby condos, the road’s proximity to Brooklyn Bridge Park, its central location along the long-planned Brooklyn Waterfront Greenway bike path, and the city’s plans to build a park on the west side of Columbia Street — less than a block from Pok Pok.

And there’s plenty of free parking, thanks to the fact there are only buildings on one side of the street.

Even so, the street still has three major obstacles to overcome: the lack of reliable public transportation, the construction disturbances caused by the Gowanus Canal cleanup effort, and its geographic isolation from Cobble Hill and Carroll Gardens due to the hood-splitting Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.

“Restaurants have really suffered from bad transportation,” said Anthony Capone, who runs the Columbia Street Mexican eatery Alma.

He said the area has great potential to become a lively hub for foodies — but that it’s not likely to grow into “another Smith Street” soon, simply because of its lack of proximity to a subway station. An unreliable B61 bus and icy winds from the water don’t help either.

“People stop coming when it’s cold — and you can’t be a six-month-a-year business,” said Capone, whose eatery’s stunning rooftop doesn’t draw many winter vistors.

Real estate agents claim there has been a surge of restaurateurs signing contracts to lease storefronts on the street, where rent goes for about $3,000 per month — less than half of average prices on food-centric Smith Street and a bargain for waterfront real estate in New York City.

New restaurants include a soon-to-open upscale diner called Water’s Edge and a top-notch-but-little-known Italian restaurant called Casa Di Campagna, which opened about six months ago.

“It’s a sea change,” said Tina Fallon, the real estate broker who leased the space for Pok Pok. “It’s really exciting.”

Restaurateurs and longtime residents echoed that idea but also blamed years of drilling and infrastructure projects for blocking awe-inspiring views of the water with ugly construction cranes.

“We have a big sky and one of the best views in the city — but we’ve seen a lot of restaurants close and it’s not because they’re bad,” Capone explained.

Even buzzed-about restaurants have shut down in the neighborhood, which until recently was better known for being the home of “Crazy” Joe Gallo than a home for trendy eateries.

Pok Pok will move into a space that once housed 5 Burro Cafe and Pit Stop, before they closed.

The new Thai joint will open by March, offering Brooklynites acclaimed dishes such as hoy thawt, fish sauce wings and egg-and-mussel crepes inspired by street markets in Thailand.

The restaurant will boast an outdoor garden and a menu and decoration that has “the same spirit” as Ricker’s flagship location, with a couple tweaks to accommodate kitchen space limitations.

Hungry locals expect Pok Pok to become a culinary beacon.

“It’s going to be a boom for the neighborhood,” said longtime resident and Columbia Street Waterfront District activist Brian McCormick.

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

Teachers in Clinton Hill are furious that the city will close their Gates Avenue middle school and replace it with a brand new middle school — claiming the Department of Education allowed them to fail instead of answering their pleas for help.

A city panel voted 9 to 4 on Thursday night to begin phasing out MS 103 near Downing Street and instead create a new school for sixth, seventh and eighth graders called MS 351, which will take its place in the building it shares with the elementary school PS 56.

Officials cited MS 103’s inability to turn around its poor grades, low attendance and lack of safety, but parents say the city never gave their school a fighting chance by failing to provide the administrative support it needed.

“We don’t deserve what we’re getting,” said PTA member Monique Small. “Other schools are in much worse condition than we’re in.”

The decision came during a chaotic night of school closure votes at Brooklyn Technical High School in Fort Greene, where the Department of Education panel determined the fate of 23 other city schools as United Federation of Teachers demonstrators and their supporters booed and chanted “All day, all week, occupy the DOE!” and “Boycott Walcott!” — referring to Schools Chancellor Dennis Walcott.

City officials spared the Clinton Hill middle school Kappa VII from the chopping block, saying that the struggling middle school was likely to improve, but argued that MS 103 was dysfunctional to the point of no return.

“Parents are crying out for better options and this isn’t good enough,” said the city’s chief academic officer, Shael Polakow-Suransky. “This is about building something new from the ground up.”

Department of Education officials said it’s often wiser to start from scratch than try to mend a broken school.

“It’s not always our belief that helping a school externally will do anything,” said spokesman Frank Thomas. “Often you’ll need a new program and school culture.”

MS 103, also known as Satellite Three, dropped in its school progress reports from a B in 2008-09 to a C the next year, followed by a D in 2010-11.

Only 19 percent of students performed at grade level in English during the last school year, and 34 percent were at grade level in math, according to city data.

Parents say that the problems started in 2010, when former principal Kenyette Reid quit to open his own all boys’ school and the staff were left without a transition plan and a new school leader.

Since Reid’s departure, MS 103 has juggled through three different principals, including Ronald Wells, who critics claim alienated teachers and the community, and Beatrice Thompson, who took the job in September.

“I and many other parents called 311, we asked for help, and no one gave it to us,” Small said.

But Education officials said MS 103 was given enough coaching and curriculum support before the city launched its plan to close the school last fall.

Teachers, administrators and parents devised a reform program intended to save the school, but were shot down by the Department of Education.

Critics say the school’s failure is unsurprising, considering the city’s push to close other low-performing institutions.

“This is a travesty,” said Benjamin Greene, president of the Community Education Council for District 13, which includes Clinton Hill. “We’ve been playing Russian Roulette with principals and yet the only solution is to close schools, not save them.”

Current MS 103 students will graduate over the next two years, but the school will stop accepting incoming sixth graders, the panel ruled.

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By Eli Rosenberg

The Brooklyn Paper

This Valentine’s Day, don’t wait until the end of the night to take your clothes off.

Hundreds of nearly naked Brooklynites will indulge in all the steamy pleasures of a Russian bath house — plus pierogis, Russian fare and an open vodka bar — at Brooklyn Banya’s annual Valentine’s Day bash.

“The banya [party] … is aimed at funky artsy offbeat creative types,” in their 20s and 30s, said Larisa Fuchs, founder of Gemini and Scorpio, a production company that’s been throwing the wet and wild party since 2006.

Elaborate get-ups are optional at this dress-down party — but props are heavily encouraged.

“Funky hats, sunglasses, robes, beach wear … our crowd knows how to dress up even if they’re not wearing much!” said Fuchs.

The sauna-ready Hungry March Band will provide the evening’s raucous soundtrack as revelers indulge in the spa’s various steam rooms; hot, cold, and eucalyptus-infused baths; massages; and, of course, steaming hot pierogis ‘til 2 am.

Committed lovers take note: just because it’s a group event doesn’t mean couples should stay at home.

“It was always important … that the red-flag difference between ‘singles’ and ‘couples’ on this highly charged day wouldn’t even matter,” said Fuchs. “We believe that every party is a singles party [and] any social situation is a potential boost to your dating life.”

Valentine’s Day at the Brooklyn Banya [602 Coney Island Ave. between Beverly Road and Avenue C, (718) 853-1300] Feb. 14, 7 pm. Tickets $35 and up, 21+. For info, visit www.geminiandscorpio.com.

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

Greenwood Heights residents want to reduce the speed limit on Sixth Avenue, beginning their own push for a “slow zone” after protesting a similar traffic safety plan in Park Slope that emerged without their input.

Civic leaders are trying to cut the speed limit from 30 to 20 miles per hour between the Prospect Expressway and 24th Street to make the street safer for pedestrians and to prevent frequent car crashes. But before they call on the city to take action, they want the support of neighboring communities.

“We don’t want this to be ‘NIMBY’ thing; there are definite speed concerns all over the area,” said Aaron Brashear of Concerned Citizens of Greenwood Heights, who is planning on joining forces with Park Slopers and Windsor Terrarians to “look at the issue holistically.”

The safety-focused Greenwoodsmen are hoping to triple-team the problem at a transportation meeting this month.

The planned speed summit comes after Greenwood Heights residents rallied against a proposed 20-mile-per hour zone in Park Slope on Sixth Avenue between Flatbush Avenue and the Prospect Park Expressway.

They claimed the zone’s proposed border would turn their stretch of Sixth Avenue into a racetrack for time-crunched drivers playing catch-up, amping up speeds on a five-block section of the street with no stop signs where drivers already exceed the limit — and often crash.

The new proposal — which calls for seven more blocks of “slow zone” — must be approved by the Department of Transportation, which accepts applications from all civic associations and community boards.

Park Slope transportation honchos say they are eager to collaborate with their neighbors to the south.

“It’s great to work together when you have an issue that transcends boundaries,” said Gary Reilly of Community Board 6’s transportation committee, which includes Park Slope. “The reality is that a lot of people get hurt by cars every year.”

Members of Community Board 7, which includes Greenwood Heights, will take up the slow-zone extension plan at a transportation meeting that has not yet been scheduled.

“It’s natural extension,” Brashear said. “And it’s something that’s on our radar.”

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By Daniel Bush

The Brooklyn Paper

Lawmakers are resurrecting a panned proposal to turn Third Avenue between 81st and 89th streets into an open summertime plaza for shoppers — and merchants who once vehemently opposed the plan now say it could be a commercial boost.

Organizers say their new and improved “Summer Stroll” would close the avenue to traffic on four Fridays in July and August, giving pedestrians free reign to window shop, sample food and drinks from local restaurants, and hear live music at three makeshift stages from 6-11 pm — a prospect they say would attract more shoppers.

“It will benefit the entire community and showcase Bay Ridge as a creative and culturally vibrant area,” said Councilman Vincent Gentile (D–Bay Ridge), who is backing the project along with state Sen. Marty Golden (R–Bay Ridge) and the Merchants of Third Avenue, a civic group for local businesses.

Community Board 10 will hold a public hearing on the proposal this evening.

The new stroll is a lot smaller in scale than the one avenue shopkeepers blasted last year: the Merchants of Third Avenue initially wanted to close the avenue to vehicular traffic between 82nd and 92nd streets on nine Fridays in July and August. But that plan didn’t sit well with store owners who feared the temporary malls would be noisy and chaotic, prevent deliveries, encroach on parking spaces along the side streets, and drive away regular customers.

“This plan will just cheapen the neighborhood,” Damien Christopher, the chef at Hom near 88th Street, told us last year.

But Hom and many others are singing a different tune now that organizers have reserved parking spaces for shoppers at the municipal lot on 85th Street and Fifth Avenue, and promised that the sale of alcohol would be limited to restaurants with liquor licenses.

“We have a better plan in place,” said Bina Valenzano, owner of BookMark Shoppe between 84th and 85th streets.

Christopher seemed to agree.

“Let’s try it and see how it goes,” the chef told us last week.

Community Board 10 is expected to vote on the plan at a meeting later this month. If the project is approved, Bay Ridge will join a growing list of Brooklyn neighborhoods that boast similar summertime pedestrian plazas, including Fort Greene and Brooklyn Heights.

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By Daniel Bush

for The Brooklyn Paper

Borough President Markowitz wants the city to plunk down $2 million to outfit Coney Island’s historic Parachute Jump with enough lights to make it visible from orbit, but amusement ride enthusiasts say he should put the money into something more important — fulfilling his 2008 promise to update and reopen the 73-year-old icon.

“For a few million dollars I could have hired some engineers and gotten the thing up and running,” said Walter Reiss, an amusement industry expert and former theme park operator said.

Rob Burnstein, president of Coney-Brighton Boardwalk Alliance, agreed.

“It’s sad that for so long the Parachute Jump has been closed,” Burnstein said. “It would suit Coney Island much better if the money was spent to make the ride operable again.”

But Markowitz currently has no plans to retrofit the Parachute Jump. Instead, he wants to make it one of the most expensive light fixtures in history.

“We’ll relight the Parachute Jump with enough bling so it can be seen from outer space,” Markowitz — who will be term-limited out of Borough Hall at the end of 2013 — promised during his annual State of the Borough address on Feb. 1. “I know that this will be done before I leave office.”

It’s a reversal from 2008 — the last time the Giants beat the New England Patriots — when Markowitz told State of the Borough attendees that it was his “dream” to “make the parachute jump ride operational once more.”

“If the Giants can beat the Patriots, there’s no reason we can’t ride the parachute in this new century!” he said.

But, today, Markowitz says he would be happy just to see the Parachute Jump lit up.

“I would be thrilled to see it restored to its original, fully functioning form,” he told us. “Unfortunately, it is currently financially and technologically infeasible. I hope that changes, but in the meantime I can’t wait until the Parachute Jump is ‘blinged out.’”

The Economic Development Corporation, the city agency in charge of funding the lighting project, is backing Markowitz’s plans, and is poised to issue a request for bids from companies interested in installing lights on the dark and defunct — but landmarked — 262-foot tower next month, agency spokesman Kyle Sklerov said.

But illuminating the Parachute Jump is becoming a pricey endeavor: the $2 million Markowitz has earmarked will bring its lighting bill to a staggering $3.4 million.

In 2006, the city tapped designer Leri Schwendinger to install a $1.4 million lighting system consisting of 17 lamps and 150 lighting fixtures that kept the ride illuminated on summer nights.

Two years later, Markowitz convinced Mayor Bloomberg and the City Council to set aside an additional $2 million to redo the lighting system more to his liking, after complaining that it wasn’t bright enough to suit the People’s Playground, which is in the process of being transformed into a glitzy, year-round destination.

That money hasn’t been spent, but the city has extinguished Schwendinger’s light display — except for several blinking red lights — in preparation for the overhaul.

Yet some agree with Markowitz — refurbishing the ride might not be worth it. If Brooklyn wants a drop tower ride, they should get a new one, amusement industry expert Ed Pribonic explained.

“You can buy a standard drop tower for $3 million,” Pribonic said, adding that a drop tower with all the bells and whistles could cost up to $7 million.

Still, Coney Island residents said a more pimped out Parachute Jump would be in keeping with the neighborhood’s character.

“Coney Island is not the place for subtlety,” said Dick Zigun, the man behind Sideshows by the Seashore. “Marty’s right to want something flashier.”

The parachute jump was built for the 1939 World’s Fair and relocated to Coney Island two years later. For 40 cents, visitors plummeted for 15 seconds from the top of the tower to the ground below.

The tower closed in 1965, and was declared a city landmark in 1988.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Update (Feb. 9, 7:00 a.m.): New information clarifies and adds more about Hakeem Jeffries’s fundraising from lobbying groups.

Veteran Rep. Ed Towns (D–Fort Greene) raised almost a quarter of a million dollars in the last three months of 2011 — building an impressive war chest that proves that the 76-year-old lawmaker isn’t retiring and will fight for his job.

Towns pulled in $233,472 after boasting a bank account of just $11,240 last fall — a figure so low that some political observers thought the longtime legislator would hang up his hat and let state Assemblyman Hakeem Jeffries (D–Fort Greene) and Councilman Charles Barron (D–Canarsie) duke it out for his seat.

Towns still has $162,407 to spend, but he lags behind Jeffries, who has $235,962 left to spend, making him one of just two congressional challengers nationwide to have more cash on hand than the incumbent.

Barron, an underdog candidate who ran a close race against Towns in 2006 despite being outspent, has only $15,860 on hand.

Towns’ people say he’s just getting started.

“The Congressman is committed to running, he’s going to raise the money, and we expect to do better than we did the last quarter,” said Towns campaign spokesman Al Wiltshire. “We are aggressively raising money, we will raise whatever it takes.”

But Towns’ biggest rival says he’s looking for money in all the wrong places.

A Jeffries spokeswoman called out Towns for collecting $112,228 more from political action committees than from individual donors.

So far, Towns has raised $226,441 from individuals and $338,669 from lobbying committees.

The Jeffries campaign is quick to point out that Towns has netted about $132,000 from telecommunications companies since 2007, and last year sponsored a bill that would make it easier for telemarketers to call people on their cellphones. The bill died in Congress.

“The Congressman has done a lot of good for the district but we believe that it is time to move this district into a positive and new direction,” said Jeffries spokeswoman Lupe Todd.

Jeffries, for his part, has not refused cash from lobbying committees, but has only brought in $1,700 from three groups in the last quarter, a total of five since beginning his campaign. Two of the groups were pushing for the Marijuana Reform Act, which addresses police stop-and-frisk search practices.

Towns said that Jeffries’s charges amount to “negative campaigning.”

“Now all of a sudden Hakeem is running and Ed is a bad guy?” said Wiltshire. “That’s Jeffries decision to run the way he’s running. Our intention is to run a clean campaign.”

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Cops temporarily shut down a troubled Greenpoint club on Feb. 2, warning the dance hall next door to their precinct to clean up its act or face even stiffer sanctions.

Deputy Inspector Terence Hurson, the commanding officer of Greenpoint’s 94th Precinct, said he got a court order to close Club Europa on Manhattan Avenue because of several violent incidents including a fight among patrons that turned into a brawl with officers.

“It’s not just one incident, this is basically a restraining order,” said Hurson. “This has been in the works for a long time — we have had problems with underage drinking, numerous larcenies and assaults on patrons.”

Michael Siwiec, the owner of the nightclub known for its DJ-driven dance parties and Polish programming, negotiated an agreement with the city on Monday that will allow him to reopen on Friday if he adds security cameras and hires licensed security guards, cops said.

But if Club Europa violates the court agreement, police say it will be even easier to shut the venue down.

“If or when problems start happening again I will contact NYPD legal to take action,” said Hurson.

A Europa manager promised the club will only be closed for one week and declined to comment further.

Community leaders were surprised that the police shuttered the Polish club.

“We never had any complaints about Club Europa ever at the Community Board, noise or otherwise,” said CB1 public safety committee co-chairman Mieszko Kalita. “They are neighbors to the precinct, so you suspect there would be no complaints.”

The venue paid a $2,000 fine in 2010 after failing to meet health code and local regulations, according to a State Liquor Authority spokesman.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

The Williamsburg food festival Smorgasburg wants to add alcohol to the menu — but neighborhood leaders put that plan on ice.

Community Board 1’s public safety committee denied a request by Brooklyn Flea co-founder Eric Demby to get a seasonal liquor license so he can serve locally brewed beer, wine and liquor at his popular outdoor market on N. Sixth Street — even though Demby insisted his event would be quiet and family-friendly.

“We have a lot of families who come to our businesses so this won’t be a rowdy scene,” said Demby. “This is really about showcasing local producers.”

But the board — which has previously tried to heighten outdoor drinking regulations — voted 3–2 against the Smorgasburg plan, worrying that neighbors living along Kent Avenue — who are already outraged about intoxicated post-concert crowds — won’t welcome more potentially intoxicated visitors.

“Saturday is a family day for many residents who live [near the East River] and they take that time to play games and relax,” said CB1 public safety committee member Rob Solano. “Anytime you add alcohol to that environment, it changes the dynamic of the venue.”

Smorgasburg’s application will go before the full board, where it would likely be approved so long as Demby brings a petition with scores of signatures from residents in favor of the food-and-alcohol plan and letters of support from public officials, a CB1 source said.

The food-only offshoot of the Brooklyn Flea opened last May in a lot adjacent to the East River and immediately attracted thousands of hungry denizens who feasted on spinach pupusas, tacos, lobster rolls, roasted garlic toast, corn flake cookies, and vegan ice cream.

This year, Demby hopes to add small batches of beer, wine and gin to the mix by opening a 10-foot bar in the center of the property, cordoned off from the food in a 30-foot by 50-foot pen in time for the market’s April 7 opening.

Bartenders would serve eight to 10-ounce cups of beer from Brooklyn Brewery, Kelso, and Six Point, as well as wine from Brooklyn Winery, and gin cocktails from Kings County Distillery, Breuckelen Distilling, and the New York Distilling Company — whose distiller can’t wait to introduce his gin to Smorgasburg’s thirsty masses.

“There’s no better place to have a gin and tonic than on the Brooklyn waterfront at the Brooklyn Flea,” said New York Distilling Company’s Tom Potter.

Harry Rosenblum, co-founder of the cooking school and store, Brooklyn Kitchen said bringing Brooklyn-centric beer and spirits to Smorgasburg is a no-brainer, considering the food festival’s objective.

“The goal of Smorgasburg is to support people making things and they should be able to highlight locally made beverages, bitters, and cocktails, in the same way they highlight other locally made food products,” said Rosenblum.

A much smaller winter version of the Smorgasburg has already shacked up inside the nearby Brooklyn Brewery on Sundays, where beer is readily available.

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

The beloved Brooklyn Heights elementary school PS 8 will open a much-desired middle school several blocks away — pleasing neighborhood parents who have long urged the city to expand the popular school.

A Department of Education panel voted unanimously on Thursday to approve plans to open a middle school inside a building shared by George Westinghouse Information and Technology High School and City Polytechnic High School on Johnson Street in Downtown.

“PS 8 is a place that our children already know and love,” said Cristina Soto, co-president of PS 8’s PTA. “Having them continue in that nurturing environment is a relief.”

The new school will house sixth graders this fall and accommodate nearly 300 students by 2014. PS 8’s K–5 program will remain at its Hicks Street location.

Before its recent resurgence, PS 8 had struggled for years. But after principal Seth Phillips arrived in 2003, the school surged in popularity, attracting so many students that the city was forced to terminate its middle school in 2004 and build a three-story annex just to fit its 600 elementary school kids.

The Westinghouse building is only filled to 79 percent capacity and it would swell to 90 percent capacity with the PS 8 expansion, according to the Department of Education.

Few parents and teachers have opposed the middle school since the city proposed it in December.

But during a high-tension vote on numerous school changes and closures at Brooklyn Technical HS on Fort Greene Place -- which quickly filled with protests by parents and the United Federation of Teachers -- one parent who said she was a PTA member at George Westinghouse demanded that Brooklyn Heights’s elementary school darling move into an under-capacity middle school instead.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Pucker up, Brooklyn!

You don’t have to stray too far from home this Valentine’s Day to visit some of the city’s most romantic spots.

So put on a coat, grab your main squeeze, and make some memories at the borough’s loveliest places — before you get the urge to rush back indoors and make some more.

Brooklyn Botanic Garden, Park Slope

Did you know there are over 12,000 kinds of plants at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden?

Unfortunately, most of them are dead this time of year.

But that shouldn’t rule out a trip to the Botanic Garden where you can gaze at its South African bulb collection the Steinhardt Conservatory’s Warm Temperate House, or see some frighteningly named hellebores and a few freakish daffodils at the southern end of the garden.

And if you’re looking for love, the garden hosts several perennial parties, cacaoprieto.com/prieto-providing-chocolate-rum-for-brooklyn-botanic-garden-lush-event/.">including an salsa dance party on Friday night.

“The garden is one of the best places to meet someone male or female who is not a creep,” said Botanic Garden spokeswoman Kate Blumm. How about that!

Coney Island Boardwalk, Coney Island

Just because the rides are closed doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the splendors of the People’s Playground.

Take a stroll on the boardwalk, and pull your date in tight as the wind whips toward you at 30 miles an hour off the harbor. Plus, there are plenty of places off the beach to swoop in for a bite; one of our favorites is Tatiana Restaurant, where fish swim in a glass dance floor while you eat.

Ocean Avenue Footbridge, Sheepshead Bay

If Coney’s not your thing, here’s another quietly romantic spot at the other end of the bay.

Walk down Emmons Avenue toward Manhattan Beach and turn onto the wooden planks of the Ocean Avenue footbridge. The salty air and view of sailboats bobbing in the bay should put you and your date in the mood for some Manhattan clam chowder at Randazzo’s Clam Bar, just across the street.

Brooklyn Bridge Park, DUMBO

Brooklyn’s newest park is its grandest — and you should take full advantage now that the crowds are sparse.

Walk though the frozen sod to Pier 1 at sunset and catch the golden rays of winter’s setting sun refract off the silvery Manhattan skyline — and pull your date in tight for a smooch.

Then get on your high horse for a nostalgic ride on Jane’s Carousel — but try not to kiss while you’re motion because if you fall, you’ll get ground into hamburger in the ride’s powerful gears.

Commandant Mansion at Little and Evans Streets, Vinegar Hill

At the top of Vinegar Hill at Little and Evans Streets, there’s the stately Commandant Mansion, which was built in 1805 and has been part of the Brooklyn Navy Yard since 1964.

The Federal-style house is privately owned, so good luck sneaking inside, but the secluded cul-de-sac happens to be a favorite make-out spot for our friends at L Magazine. We suggest topping it off with a lovely brunch at Vinegar Hill House.

Brooklyn Bridge

Generations of lovers have scaled the pedestrian footpath of the Brooklyn Bridge and declared their intentions.

Want some proof?

Check out all those obnoxiously engraved locks bolted to metal rings on the bridge’s east side stanchion.

Valentine’s Day may not exactly be the best time to tie the knot, or in this case lock it down, but if your date is willing to follow you onto what is likely going to be the coldest, windiest place in the borough, for no good reason whatsoever, then you’ve probably got yourself a keeper.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Vandals scribbled what appears to be KISS makeup on beloved statues of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus at Williamsburg’s Our Lady of Mount Carmel Church, outraging parishioners who have revered the sculptures for more than 60 years.

Maintenance workers at the Havemeyer Street house of worship called police at 8 am on Wednesday when they realized someone had marked up the statues to resemble the masks worn by KISS members Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.

“It’s a terrible thing for anyone to do,” said Our Lady of Mount Carmel parishioner Ann Caponegro. “Those statues aren’t bothering anybody It’s our religion. How we feel about them is our business. No one should deface them in any way.”

Our Lady of Mount Carmel pastor Joseph Calise urged worshipers to remain calm and suspend judgment.

“There’s been a lot of people willing to pay for the repairs,” said Calise. “We don’t know if it is an act of anger, grief, vandalism or stupidity.”

The graffiti writers also knocked over a different statue and scrawled what appears to be the word, “Mykee” on Jesus’s robe, according to cops.

Police are investigating the incident, which was first reported by Channel 7, as a possible hate crime. So far, they have no suspects.

Assemblyman Joseph Lentol (D-Williamsburg), who attends the church regularly, said the vandalism is “infuriating.”

“It is just plain destruction of sacred property that speaks of peace, love, and hope for everyone,” said Lentol. “The thugs may not realize it is a felony and I know our District Attorney would be anxious to enforce the law.”

KISS released a number of chart-topping secular songs, but the late 1970s hair metal icons also wrote several popular singles with religious undertones, including “Hotter Than Hell,” “God Gave Rock ’n Roll to You,” “God of Thunder,” and “Living in Sin.” The band is also famous for its fans, known as the KISS Army, who have donned black, white, and silver warpaint, leather armor, and fake war axes at concerts since 1975.

Our Lady of Mount Carmel church is best known for its annual Feast of the Giglio celebration, which draws tens of thousands of Catholic congregants to Havemeyer Street every July for two weeks of religious services, parades, and music — though KISS tunes don’t get much play.

A spokesperson for KISS did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

A motorist ran a red on Sunday night, struck another vehicle and crashed into a fancy Downtown high-rise on Boerum Place, according to a witness.

The driver was heading north on State Street at 5:20 pm when her black Lincoln Navigator passed through a light and smashed into a Toyota Corolla heading west on Boerum Place, an onlooker said.

After drifting about 50 feet, the SUV slammed into a tree before hitting the scaffolding at the condominium Boulevard East.

“There was a huge rumble and it sounded like the whole scaffolding came down,” said Joe Stanfa, president of the condo’s board. “We’re just glad no pedestrians were hurt. There was smoke coming from the cars.”

Cops said the woman — who was pinned in her car and rescued with the Jaws of Life — would not be charged in the crash.

She and the man driving the Toyota were rushed to Bellevue Hospital for minor injuries.

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

Nothing says I love you like the smell of sewage in the morning.

The Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant will offer a romantic early morning tour of its Greenpoint sludge-processing facility on Feb. 14, perhaps the strangest way to show your date you care — or subtly indicate that things aren’t working out.

Put on some comfortable boots, snuggle up with your companion, and hold your breath when the plant’s ruggedly handsome superintendent, Jimmy Pynn, explains how the city cleans 1.3 billion gallons of wastewater each day.

You’ll get to see every aspect of the plant’s waste treating process, and even take a trip through its suggestively shaped digester tanks, where plucky microorganisms break down what you and your date ate for lunch yesterday, producing methane and carbon dioxide gas.

And at the end of the tour, Pynn will give each attendee a Hershey’s Kiss — because there’s nothing sweeter than protecting the environment.

But no visit to the plant is complete without picking up some free sewage swag at its Greenpoint Avenue Visitor’s Center.

Or you can do one better and order your Valentine’s Day card in advance, which reads “Greenpoint — where love is in the air!” via neighborhood blogger Miss Heather’s website for only $3.99!

Just take your date to a nice dinner later, to hedge your bets.

Guided Tour of the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant [329 Greenpoint Ave. at Humboldt Street in Greenpoint, (718)595-6600] Feb. 14, 9:30-11:30 am. For reservations, email events@dep.nyc.gov.

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

The federal government is closing the only post office in the Columbia Street Waterfront District — but neighbors in the geographically isolated hood say the branch shouldn’t be stamped out.

The cash-strapped U.S. Postal Service must shut down its Columbia Street location by March 31 to scrape up enough money to pay employee salaries, according to an agency spokeswoman.

But package-shlepping residents are now circulating a petition demanding the post office near President Street remain open, saying the neighborhood — which is cut off from subways and shopping by the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway — is in special need of a walkable spot to buy stamps and send brown boxes.

“It’s a big inconvenience,” said Norman Cox of the Columbia Waterfront Neighborhood Association.

The closest post office — on Clinton and Bush streets in Red Hook — is a 15-block walk away, 12 blocks from the nearest open subway station since the Smith-Ninth Street station is closed for repairs.

The petition to save the post office garnered 200 signatures in just 24 hours — and Columbia Street post office employees say they understand the community’s frustration.

“I feel bad for people in the neighborhood,” said Rita Farone, who ran the post office branch for 17 years. “And now I gotta find another job.”

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

A Department of Education panel voted 9–4 to close the Roberto Clemente School during a highly charged five-hour meeting at Brooklyn Technical High School on Thursday night, ending the run of a primary school that served Williamsburg’s Latino population for generations.

Paymon Rouhanifard, of the Department of Education, justified the panel’s decision to shutter the S. Third Street elementary because it was the “lowest ranking school in the entire city,” but said when a new school opens in the building it will keep the Roberto Clemente name because “it’s been around so long and the community feels connected to the school.”

But neighborhood leaders called the vote a “travesty” and urged the city to take the 378-child school off its closure list.

“The community needs to be a partner to improve our city’s schools instead of being treated like pawns,” said Community Board 1 member Esteban Duran.

The struggling S. Third Street school had a remarkably high attendance rating of 94 percent, but received an “F” grade in its 2010-2011 school progress report. Only one in five students scored proficient levels in reading comprehension and math, city statistics show.

Parents and teachers argued that the Department of Education has not provided enough support for the school to succeed, pointing to the dearth math and science teachers and the fact there is no librarian.

But they couldn’t sway city officials, who ruled that PS 19 will eliminate its kindergarten, first, and second grade classes over the next three years. Starting in 2013, the new school will start bringing in students.

Some Williamsburg parents say the city’s plan leaves their preteens in limbo.

“My third-grade son will be forced to stay in a terrible school,” said PS 19 parent Monica Batista, one of 40 who attended the hearing.

Community advocates say the Department of Education should get more input from parents before opening a new school at Roberto Clemente and add a dual-language program for English- and Spanish-speaking youngsters.

“From a cultural standpoint, we can only hope that the administration has the cognizance of mind to understand the importance that the school’s name holds for this community,” said Williamsburg community leader Jason Otano. “Future iterations of P.S. 19 should continue to pay homage to this great Latino humanitarian.”

— with Kate Briquelet

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By Eli Rosenberg

The Brooklyn Paper

The owners of a 96-year-old sporting goods store directly across the street from the nearly finished home of the Brooklyn Nets are cashing out — putting their building up for sale in what speculators say is the beginning of a real estate gold rush sparked by the opening of the new arena.

Triangle Sports owner Henry Rosa said he and his partner, William Shapiro — whose grandparents opened the shop as an Army surplus outfit in 1916 — made to decision to sell after the offers started trickling in over the summer from businesses eager to get in on the action near the soon-to-be-completed Barclays Center.

“Because of the arena, the value has gone up quite a bit,” said Rosa, who hinted that the building could garner millions of dollars. “We’ve gotten solicited by a lot of people making offers and I thought I could be here another 100 years and never make what I’d get for it now.”

The oddly shaped sporting goods store has already gotten the attention of McDonald’s, which eyed the triangular lot bounded by Flatbush Avenue, Fifth Avenue, and Dean Street, a spokesperson from the burger purveyors said.

TerraCRG, the real estate company marketing the Triangle Sports property, has been using the site’s location just steps from the entrance of the Barclays Center — where the Nets are scheduled to take the court this fall after concerts by rap mogul Jay-Z — as one of its main selling points.

“The Barclays Center and Atlantic Yards development will add exponentially to this demand, causing rents in the already scarce available retail space to surge based on proximity to the stadium,” the firm wrote in a glossy pamphlet marketing the property.

Experts say the streets around the behemoth arena could experience a significant shift with the addition of thousands of sports fans passing through for the Nets home games. That makes a property like Triangle Sports a no-brainer for would-be investors, said broker and real estate expert Chris Havens.

“It’s worth an awful lot — it is such an unusual property,” said Havens. “It will make a great bar or restaurant space.”

As megadeveloper Bruce Ratner nears his goal of bringing the Nets to Brooklyn — just one part of his controversial Atlantic Yards housing and hoops plan — neighborhood opposition has shifted from attempts to halt the project entirely to efforts to preserve the community’s character.

Some arena neighbors have fought against new pubs in the neighborhood that they believe are targeting Nets fans, disparaging a nine-month-old sports bar on Pacific Street and badgering the proprietor of another planned sports bar until he opened a “farm-to-table” restaurant more in line with the kinds of eateries common in Park Slope. Rosa says that he is holding out for just the right offer before he begins “playing golf everyday” — but he says he’s not just letting just anybody take over the unique building.

“I’m going to be selective who we give it to,” said Rosa, who lives in Brooklyn Heights. “I’m not just going to go to the highest bidder — I’m cognizant of the ramifications.”

Rosa wants to trade peddling Levi’s for playing the links — but the boom he’s banking on is anything but certain, according to some real estate insiders.

“There’s a lot of anticipation in that area,” said Ken Freeman, a Park Slope agent and a vice president with Massey Knakal. “A lot of owners think that gold is going to rain from the sky, but only time will tell if that’s true.”

Gold has not rained on Triangle Sports from its shelves of workmen’s clothes from American brands like Carhartt and Levi’s — the company used to operate eight other locations in the city according the Wall Street Journal, who first reported the flagship shop’s closure.

“The demographics of the area have changed so much that my customer base — blue collar workers — has gone,” said Rosa, who laments that even the recent boost he’s gotten from arena construction workers will soon disappear when the sports facility is finished.

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By Eli Rosenberg

The Brooklyn Paper

Take heart, Ditmas Park — somebody’s sweet on you.

The new owner of Cafe Madeline on Cortelyou Road — known simply as Adell — had “We love Ditmas Park” emblazoned on his front window last weekend, just days after the cafe’s former owner, Alexander Hall, trashed the tranquil community in a scathing blog rant.

“We wanted everybody to know that we love the neighborhood and the people that come in here,” Adell said.

The war of words began when the Ditmas Park Blog published an email from Hall railing against what he called the neighborhood’s penny-pinching coffee drinkers who lounged around his cafe all day. He also accused the neighborhood of having an anti-business slant.

“Everyone that lives in Ditmas Park thinks it is the best neighborhood in Brooklyn and it’s just not,” wrote Hall, who sold Cafe Madeline to Adell in November. Hall also owns the Milk Bar in Prospect Heights and another cafe in Manhattan.

Steamed latte sippers took their ire over Hall’s comments right back to the blogosphere.

“Good riddance to this guy. He seems bitter that in a neighborhood with two coffee shops, his was the worst,” wrote someone named “Jake.”

Cortelyou Road merchants scratched their head when confronted with Hall’s negativity about the area.

“We’re not Prospect Heights or the Lower East Side, for better or worse, but Ditmas Park is a wonderful neighborhood,” said Justine Lacy, who works at Sycamore Bar & Flowershop. “It’s a great mix of people and everybody here is incredibly invested in the community.”

Adell said he’s keeping Cafe Madeline’s name, at least for now, but he is going to make a few changes — including dumping Hall’s sign about time limits for customers, installing more seating areas, and inviting laptop users and other regulars to lounge away without conscience. “People can stay there for as long as they want!” said the entrepreneur, who plans to keep his cafe open until 10 pm, change the coffee beans, and also offer wine and beer.

“It’s a great neighborhood that’s only going to get better, and we’re looking forward to doing business here,” Adell said.

Calls to Hall were not returned.

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By Dan MacLeod

The Brooklyn Paper

A Bay Ridge cop-turned-gunrunner is facing more than five years in prison now that he’s pleaded guilty to bootlegging more than $1 million in stolen goods.

William Masso, a 68th Precinct officer arrested in October along with four other active and retired Bay Ridge cops, tearfully pleaded guilty to four counts of conspiracy in Manhattan federal court on Monday. He automatically lost his job, will receive prison time, and be forced to pay a $50,000 fine when he comes back to court for sentencing on June 15, federal prosecutors said.

Masso is still facing 20 years, but the plea deal hammered out on Monday ensures that the actual punishment could be reduced to just five or six years on his sentencing date, according to published reports.

“William Masso brought dishonor and disrepute to his fellow officers and was willing to endanger others for his own personal gain,” U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara said in a statement. “With today’s guilty plea, the NYPD, which is the finest police force in the world, is one step closer to putting this sorry episode behind it.”

Masso’s lawyer, Ron Fischetti, told reporters outside court that his client was a “broken man” who allowed a small transgression to get out of hand.

“He was trying to buy a house for his family and he started [running] cigarettes. It just got bigger and bigger,” Fischetti explained. “He got sucked in and just ran and ran and ran. His family is just absolutely crushed.”

Feds arrested Masso and his crew last October following a two-year investigation that culminated in a sting operation.

Prosecutors claim the gang imported $1 million worth of cigarettes, slot machines and a wide variety of firearms, including M-16 rifles, 16 handguns and a shotgun.

The investigation began in 2009, when an undercover informant learned about Masso’s bootlegging activities and began recording conversations with the cop.

On one tape, Masso, 48, told the stoolie that his cop buddies could provide protection for anyone smuggling untaxed cigarettes into the state.

“Whatever he wants we can get — one guy 7-foot tall, with muscles out to here,” Masso said in one recording. “We got that. You want a guy who beat the [bejesus] out of somebody who bothers him, we got that. We got cops with vests and guns.”

Sources told Brooklyn Daily in October that Masso — cousin to Genovese crime-family capo Alphonse “Allie Shades” Malangone — was attracted to the gritty glamour of the mafia lifestyle.

“Masso was always a wannabe wise guy,” said one police source.

The feds busted the cops after the informant asked Masso’s crew, which included 68th Precinct Police Officers Eddie Goris and John Mahoney, as well as retired 68th Precinct Police Officers Joseph Trischitta, Marco Venezia and Richard Melnik, to buy a cache of firearms — which the FBI rendered inoperable — and transport them to New York.

Once the job was completed, the FBI swooped in and arrested the five officers — which some in Bay Ridge considered neighborhood heroes.

Trischitta and Venezia, who worked in the 68th Precinct’s Community Affairs office, had been lauded several times during their careers in Bay Ridge. Venezia even received a commendation from state Sen. Marty Golden (R–Bay Ridge), a former cop himself, when the community affairs cop retired in 2010.

Golden later said that he regretted honoring Venezia.

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By Sarah Zorn

for The Brooklyn Paper

Candle light. Romantic poems. Your significant other doing the dishes for once in his or her life. All these go a long way to fan the flames of passion on Valentine’s Day — but nothing stirs the soul (and body) quite as effectively as a bar of 72% chocolate, a glass of red wine, and maybe an avocado thrown in for good measure.

That’s because they’ve long been considered to be natural aphrodisiacs — foods that induce sexual desire by increasing serotonin levels and boosting blood flow while tasting devastatingly delicious, all at the same time.

Want to get some real bang for your buck this Valentine’s Day (pun intended)? The aphrodisiac-loving dishes at these great area restaurants will definitely double your pleasure — and double your fun.

The Owl’s Head: Red Wine

Nothing gets the juices flowing like a perfect glass of red wine, and the sultry vinos served at Bay Ridge newcomer The Owl’s Head will get any night started off right. “Like the love between two people, each different wine has received a very particular treatment before it reaches the table,” said owner John Avelluto. “It’s upon pulling the cork that we get to share in a complex romance within the bottle and, now, with the person we clink our glasses with.” Extra credit in the romance department if you pair your soft and velvety glass of Rio Madre Rioja with a stimulating chocolate hazelnut bread pudding ($8), or a stamina-boosting lobster ceviche with blood orange and tarragon ($12).

The Owl’s Head [479 74th St. between Fourth and Fifth avenues in Bay Ridge, (718) 680-2436].

Jacques Torres: Chocolate

When it comes to the king of aphrodisiacs, it’s a no-brainer to hit up Mr. Chocolate in DUMBO. Sure you can go for hand-rolled truffles, choco lollipops or edible “I Luv U Puzzles,” but the Wicked Hot Chocolate ($18) — a decadent chocolate drinking mix with a rush of endorphin-releasing chili peppers — will deliver a one-two-punch to your sexy parts.

Jacques Torres [66 Water St. at Main Street in DUMBO, (718) 875-9772].

Caracas Arepa Bar: Avocados

The Venezuelan corn patties at this popular ‘Billyburg spot bear no relation to those greasy gut bombs peddled at street fair food carts. Our heart races for the La del Gato ($6.75) — packed with salty guayanes cheese, fried sweet plantains, and sensuous slices of creamy avocado that will leave your taste buds tingling — and your blood pumping to all the right places.

Caracas Arepa Bar [291 Grand St. between Roebling and Havemeyer streets in Williamsburg, (718) 218-6050].

Yiasou Estiatorio: Beets, garlic, almonds

Pantzaria salad ($7.50) — marinated baby beets with the potato-garlic-almond spread skordalia — may not sound like the sexiest dish going in, but the body- and soul-altering properties of its aphrodisiacal ingredients make it a potent potion indeed.

Yiasou [2003 Emmons Ave. at Ocean Avenue in Sheepshead Bay, (718) 332-6064].

Press 195: Bananas

Can a sandwich be sexy? Hell yeah, if it’s a Banana Bread Press ($10), stuffed with fresh banana and strawberry slices, pure maple syrup (or Nutella), ice cream, and candied walnuts. “It’s creamy, sweet and delicious,” said manager Cameron Lewyn, “and meant to serve two, so sharing it with a loved one makes it sexy right off the bat.”

Press 195 [195 Fifth Ave. between Berkeley Place Sackett street in Park Slope, (718) 857-1950].

Walter’s: Honey

This elegant Fort Greene restaurant is a given for romantic, Valentine’s Day interludes — especially when you order up a plate of finger-licking fried chicken slathered in sweet and sticky swirls of spicy honey ($16). Don’t forget to share.

Walter’s [166 DeKalb Ave. between Carlton Avenue and Cumberland Street in Fort Greene, (718) 488-7800].

Piccoli To Go: Asparagus, basil

You won’t need to hail a cab home after experiencing the stimulating effects of the Pesto Genovese ($9.50) at this tasty takeaway spot. The homemade fettuccini with creamy pesto and asparagus easily reheats at home — as will you.

Piccoli [157 Prospect Park SW between Vanderbilt and Seeley streets in Windsor Terrace, (718) 788-0006].

Beast tapas + lounge: Figs

Exotic, succulent figs are effortlessly sensual, and displayed to delicious effect at Beast tapas + lounge in Prospect Heights. “It’s like stepping into the Garden of Eden without all the rules,” said chef/owner D.S. Bicknese of her caramelized onion and fig pesto tart with goat cheese and watercress salad ($13). We’re sold!

Beast [638 Bergen St. between Carlton and Vanderbilt avenues in Prospect Heights, (718) 399-6855].

Five Leaves: Oysters

As far as edible aphrodisiacs are concerned, no one would kick the libido-enlivening oyster out of bed — and when your sweetie tosses back a ½ dozen market mollusks ($15) at this genial, Aussie eatery — she’ll be pulling you back in for another go-round, too.

Five Leaves [18 Bedford Ave. between Lorimer Street and Nassau Avenue in Greenpoint, (718) 383-5345].

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By Dan MacLeod

The Brooklyn Paper

A plan to turn eight blocks of Third Avenue into a pedestrian plaza this summer will create havoc for residents already beleaguered by stumbling booze hounds who regularly puke and relieve themselves on neighborhood front lawns, critics to the controversial proposal told members of Community Board 10 this week.

“Every Friday and Saturday we have to clean up broken glass and vomit,” said Lenny Variano, who lives a block away on 84th Street. “It’s disgusting.”

Merchants and civic leaders want to install a car-free zone on Third Avenue between 81st and 89th streets on four Fridays in July and August, but neighbors said that the proposed “Summer Stroll” would simply ramp up the number of area revelers that already smash bottles and urinate on their property after spending the night partying it up at local bars.

Yet organizers defended the plan to shut down car traffic from 6 pm to 10:30 pm.

“I’m as sick as you are of the drinking, the vomiting, the urinating and the sexual stuff,” said Chuck Otey, who explained that a temporary piazza bustling with string quartets and doo-wop singers would bring class to the boulevard and ward off party animals. “If you want to give the streets over to the drunks, ignore this proposal. Turn this down and you’re saying, ‘screw the arts.’”

The Merchants of Third Avenue initially wanted to close the avenue between 82nd and 92nd streets on nine Fridays, but tweaked the plan after local business owners rejected it. Now, the piazza will be smaller and the side streets will be open to traffic with cops and Department of Transportation workers acting as crossing guards. Any sale of alcohol will be limited to businesses participating in the Summer Stroll.

Still, some residents remained skeptical that cops would exercise crowd control.

“[I’m concerned about] double parking, people parking in our driveways and the spillover from people drinking,” said Florence Dean, who lives on 90th Street.

But merchants scoffed at the notion that marauding mobs would plague the piazza.

“Rowdy teenagers are not going to want to stand around and listen to a string quartet,” said Bina Valenzano, an organizer of the program and owner of the Book Mark Shoppe between 84th and 85th streets. “If it’s boring, there are going to leave.”

The plan, which was approved CB 10’s Traffic and Transportation Committee on Tuesday night, is pending the full board’s approval later this month — a decision that could plant Bay Ridge on a growing list of Brooklyn neighborhoods with similar summertime pedestrian plazas, including Fort Greene and Brooklyn Heights.

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By Sarah Zorn

for The Brooklyn Paper

What’s in an aphrodisiac? Suggestive shapes and mind-altering compounds make the following foods so damn sexy.

Red Wine

Besides being intoxicating — literally — red wine contains resveratrol, which boots blood flow and improves circulation before and after intercourse.

Chocolate

Pure chocolate contains a host of feel-good compounds, including phenylethylamine — which releases dopamine in the pleasure centers of the brain and peaks during orgasm.

Avocados

Referred to by the ancient Aztecs as the “testicle tree.” Catholic Priests in Spain also found the fruit so overtly sexual that they forbade it. Good thing we don’t live there, am I right?

Beets

Not only are beets high in boron — which produces sexual hormones and improves the immune system — they play host to the isobutyl methoxy pyrazine compound; the most powerfully stimulating smell on earth.

Garlic

This potent allium is full of allicin, which increases blood flow.

Almonds

Long regarded as a fertility symbol, the aroma of almonds supposedly arouses passion in women.

Bananas

More than just a sight gag, bananas contain the bromeliad enzyme, said to enhance the male libido.

Honey

The sweet stuff is loaded with boron, a mineral that helps metabolize estrogen and enhances testosterone levels, promoting sex drive in men and women.

Asparagus

These sexy spears are a great source of folic acid — which boosts histamine production necessary for achieving orgasm.

Basil

The stimulating scent of this sweet herb is said to set hearts aflutter. Also thought to boost fertility and promote circulation.

Figs

This fruit’s link with lust goes as far back as the Bible (Adam and Eve used the leaves to cover their private parts). An open fig is also thought to emulate the female sex organ.

Oysters

Sultry shape and alluring mouthfeel aside, oysters contain D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate, effective in releasing sexual hormones such as testosterone and estrogen.

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By Kate Briquelet and Natalie O’Neill

for The Brooklyn Paper

Behold Brooklyn’s liquid gold!

It costs more than three ounces of silver, a barrel of oil or a cup of the finest caviar — but not a single Brooklynite has tasted what’s likely the borough’s most expensive drink.

No customer has ever ordered a glass of Char No. 4’s $100 per ounce bourbon, a little-known and extremely rare 24-year-old liquor with complex butterscotch notes called Martin Mills.

“It’s probably the richest and most memorable bourbon I’ve ever had,” said Char No. 4 co-owner Michael Tsoumpas, a whiskey collector who donated that bottle and several others to the high-end meatery on Smith and Baltic streets. “I’d be shocked if it’s in a bar anywhere else in the world.”

Tsoumpas last sipped the fabled firewater six years ago on a mountainside before The Brooklyn Paper put it to the test this week, with a single ice cube, in the name of journalism.

The dusty bottle — which is one of about 200 released in the world — contains a 107-proof caramel- and vanilla-rich flavor bomb that is best served with some water, “which changes the molecules” and opens up the spirit, Tsoumpas said.

Martin Mills is the name of a fictional distillery, thought-up by Kentucky-based small-batch hootch makers, who bottled the stuff exclusively for sale in Japan in 1999 after they purchased a top-notch bourbon barrel that had matured for more than two decades.

Tsoumpas bought the booze from an obscure retailer in England seven years ago, back when it was the oldest bottle of bourbon anyone could find in the world, he said. Today a bottle would sell for at least $500 — and a single shot at the Smith Street watering hole will set you back $100.

It’s almost unheard of to craft quality bourbon that’s been aged more than 20 years, partly because of the wood-barreling process, which is one reason a sip of the stuff is so pricy.

“A bottle like that can make your place a major destination,” Lew Bryson, managing editor of Whisky Advocate magazine.

Bryson, who tastes brown booze for a living, has never ordered a glass of bourbon that cost more than $60 per ounce. Neither have some of Brooklyn’s most liquor-obsessed connoisseurs: the exclusive River Café’s most expensive drink —a 31-year-old glass of scotch — costs $75 for three ounces, while Clover Club’s 23-year-old bourbon goes for $49 for two ounces.

Whiskey-centric bars often opt not to sell such rare and expensive brands because big-spenders usually prefer to stick with what they know, Bryson said.

“A hundred bucks is a gamble,” he said. “But it’s kind of a fun gamble, right?”

Char No. 4 [196 Smith St. between Warren and Baltic streets in Cobble Hill, (718) 643-2106].

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By Daniel Bush

The Brooklyn Paper

State Sen. Eric Adams wants your vote this fall — and next fall, too.

The Prospect Heights Democrat is throwing his hat in the ring for what’s expected to be a bruising race to replace Borough President Markowitz as Brooklyn’s highest-profile, but largely powerless, booster-in-chief. And he’s doing it while running again for his seat in Albany.

“I’ve always wanted to be borough president,” said Adams, who faces a state Senate election this fall and a Borough President election the following year.

Adams announced his intentions to run through his longtime chief of staff, Ingrid Martin, who sent an email to a circle of supporters this week appealing for contributions for his currently penniless Beep campaign fund in advance of a March 8 fundraiser.

“The road to Borough Hall is long and can be rocky, but with your continued support we [can] set a smooth course,” Martin said.

The three-term lawmaker would be Brooklyn’s first African American borough president — potentially giving him a big boost from black voters.

But Adams — a retired cop and founding member of 100 Blacks in Law Enforcement Who Care who is perhaps best known for his controversial “Stop the Sag” campaign to get kids to hike up their pants — has no cash on hand and his opponent has deep pockets.

Carlo Scissura, a special adviser and former chief of staff to Borough President Markowitz, reported raising $127,000 in his first 100 days as a candidate — the fastest of any Brooklyn Borough Hall hopeful in history, according to the Campaign Finance Board.

“Let’s see who raises the money [to be competitive],” Scissura said. “It’s early and 2013 is a long ways off.”

Scissura said he would ease overcrowding in schools, bring manufacturing jobs back to the borough and expand ferry service to Southern Brooklyn, among other initiatives.

Adams was short on specifics, saying he’s still focused on getting reelected as a state Senator this fall in an election that became more interesting after Senate Republicans proposed maps for new legislative districts that would cut Adams out of his Crown Heights-to-Sunset Park district. Adams said he would move into the new district if necessary, but expects the proposal won’t be approved.

City campaign finance officials say Adams can open a fundraising committee for the state Senate race and for the Borough President race simultaneously — and if he loses the primary for Beep he can fall back on his old Albany seat, so long as he wins this fall.

Besides Adams and Scissura, several others are rumored to be eyeing a run to replace Markowitz, who’s term-limited out of office in 2013, including state Sen. Daniel Squadron (D–Brooklyn Heights), Assemblyman Nick Perry (D–Flatbush) and City Councilmembers Dominic Recchia (D–Coney Island) and Letitia James (D–Fort Greene).

—with Aaron Short

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

Brooklyn’s version of Cupid uses e-mails instead of arrows.

Luke DuBois, a digital media whiz at NYU-Poly, has created a website that tries to reunite the lonely hearts using Craigslist’s “Missed Connections” personals by matching descriptive words from their ads.

“What if in our idle moments, the computer was searching the community to connect people?” said DuBois, who is 36 years old and single. “It may not be the best way to find love, but it’s cute.”

DuBois designed a warm and fuzzy algorithm that transforms your computer into a matchmaking machine that scours Craigslist for “Missed Connections” in hopes of linking would-be lovers who are looking for each other.

The tool links random posts from the same city and highlights any words they share in common. When two “Missed Connections” match each other closely enough, visitors to DuBois’s website are directed to the original Craigslist posts, where they can forward the links to the unsuspecting hopeless romantics.

So far, he has sent e-mail alerts to eight potential couples, but he hasn’t heard back from any of them, including a particularly close match between a salami-eating man and the woman who bummed him a cigarette.

“I think you two are looking for each other,” he wrote to each of them.

This isn’t the only time the programmer honored Valentine’s Day. Last year, he whipped up a map of the United States using 19 million online dating profiles — analyzing which cities were the kinkiest and happiest based on frequently used bons mots (Williamsburg, Greenpoint and Park Slope had the most male virgins).

Julie Spira, a Los Angeles-based online dating expert, called DuBois’s site “too computerish” for the eyes, but vowed that “Missed Connections” do work.

“You have to hope that someone is out there looking for you as well,” Spira said. “If you’re going to post something on ‘Missed Connections,’ look for them on Linked In or Facebook too, but don’t come across as a stalker. Make your communication light and easy.”

They say the course of true love never did run smooth, so it’s no surprise that DuBois’s website has some flaws.

The program can be slow, spam posts can be false alarms, and women tend to offer more detailed descriptions of their loves at first sight, while men often keep things overly simple, with postings like: “You were on the R train and you were cute.”

But DuBois is calling on Brooklynites to keep the site open.

“This is a community service experiment,” he said. “If you have a computer, tune it to the website. If everybody puts in an hour on Valentine’s Day, you can help each other with this little program. It’s not too much to ask.”

To become a “Missed Connections” middleman, visit lukedubois.com/missed. And ladies, DuBois is not only single, but gainfully employed and has an adorable cat.

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By Sarah Zorn

for The Brooklyn Paper

Four area restaurants double down, Bed Stuy loses brisket, and Carroll Garden’s builds a better burger in this week’s scrumptious serving of gossip.

Moo-sic to our ears

The grass-fed patties peddled at newcomer Burgersmith (which quietly opened for business a week ago on the corner of Baltic and Smith Streets, in the old Faan space) are enough to make you melt. The cow is ground daily at nearby butcher shop Paisanos and griddled on a cast iron flat top, before being slapped on special Portuguese muffins from Cape Cod. Vegans and pesco-pollo vegetarians will also find their perfect patty — turkey, quinoa-nut-veggie and seared rainbow trout options all grace the highly customizable menu.

Max’d out

Another top-tiered Manhattan joint (see Vanessa’s Dumpling House, Meatball Shop, Loreley, and Mama’s Food Shop before it) is setting down roots in the flourishing foodie haven of Williamsburg. The Wall Street Journal reports that Max, an established East Village favorite for simple, affordable red sauce Italian, is shuttering its original Avenue B spot and bringing penne and polpetti to Driggs Avenue this spring.

Give me some honey

In other expansion news, cozy Cobble Hill café Ted and Honey has opened a spacious new eatery called BLDG 92 at the Brooklyn Navy Yard Center. They now have a full-fledged catering division as well — Parker Red Culinary Events — which exclusively supplies food to the 8,000 square food event space. Caramelized banana and maple oatmeal for everyone!

Happy trailers

3rd Ward’s bygone Goods truck, a restored 1946 trailer that briefly peddled burgers, dogs, and fried green tomato sandwiches on the corner of Metropolitan Avenue and Lorimer Street, will see new life as an art deco-styled Mexican eats truck called Zona Rosa. According to dnainfo.com, the owners of Mesa Coyoacan will serve tacos and margaritas to Williamsburg revelers late into the night.

Set in stone

Brownstoner reports that Slope fave Stone Park Café is expanding into the shuttered Pizza Rustica space next door, opening a catering hall for scheduled, special events. We presume that doesn’t include emergency brunches for four at 12:30 pm on a Sunday morning.

Do the brew

Our friends at The Local (hey there, Kuntzman!) report that the DeKalb Market will boast a brand new wine-and-beer license when it reopens this spring. Cheeky Sandwiches, Robicelli’s cupcakes, indie designer duds and now craft suds too? Forget the Fulton Mall, come April, we’re not leaving Willoughby Street.

Brisket bummer

It’s a sad day for sliced meat: Fork in the Road reports that 1970’s-era deli, David’s Brisket, has closed. It was a true Brooklyn original — where else can you find exemplary pastrami, corned beef, and yes, brisket on rye, in a traditional Jewish deli run alternately by Jamaicans and devout Middle Eastern Muslims? Only in New York, my friends, only in New York.

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By Juliet Linderman

The Brooklyn Paper

So what if Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday that reeks of consumerism, consumption and superficiality? If you’ve got a sweetheart, it’s a perfectly appropriate excuse to have a nice, romantic dinner and celebrate, you know, the birds and the bees. But more importantly, significant other or no significant other, it’s a day to honor, appreciate and revel in the most coveted, most delectable, most desirable thing in world. No, not love. Dessert. On Valentine’s Day, sweets take center stage, and you’re allowed — nay, encouraged — to eat them with reckless abandon. Here are a few of our absolute favorite sweet treats for your Valentine — even if you’re your own!

Jacques Torres heart-shaped I Love U puzzles

These chocolates have the delicious hallmark of being Jacques Torres, Brooklyn’s patron saint of chocolate, without being too cutesy-kitschy-Valentine’s Day. And whatever your sweetheart’s tastes may be — dark chocolate, milk chocolate or white chocolate — these treats cover all the bases (their puzzle pieces are mix and match).

I Love U chocolate puzzle at Jacques Torres [66 Water St. between Main and Dock streets in DUMBO, (718) 875-1269]. For info, visit www.mrchocolate.com.

Amy’s Cookies

This Sunset Park bakery totes out-of-this-world sugar cookies that fit the Valentine’s Day bill, whether you buy into the hype, or are just looking for a small, subtle treat for your sweetie. Try the Amy O’s, heart-shaped, chocolate-dipped sandwich cookies with fillings that include dark chocolate, espresso ganache or coffee liqueur buttercream; or a selection of buttery sugar cookies decked out in pink, white and red frosting. The best part? You can mix and match!

Amy’s Cookies [225 34th St. between Fourth and Fifth avenues in Sunset Park, (718) 797-1513]. For info, visit www.amyscookies.com.

Peter Pan Donuts

Stop right there — we know what you’re thinking: Donuts are not an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift because, well, they’re donuts. Yes, they are donuts, but they’re also the most decadent and delectable sweet treat you can find this side of the West River. And let us tell you, if our special someone showed up with a box full of Peter Pan’s famous white cream filled donuts with pink frosting and white sprinkles, or a half-dozen of those devilishly good red velvets filled with buttercream, we’d be speechless — in a good way.

Peter Pan Donuts [727 Manhattan Ave. between Norman and Meserole avenues in Greenpoint, (718) 389-3676].

Kumquat Cupcakery

These itty bitty cupcakes are bite sized and perfectly proportioned; the cake to frosting ratio is just right. And with flavor combinations such as lemon cake topped with lavender frosting, banana cake topped with peanut butter frosting and honey drizzle, coffee cake with caramel bourbon frosting, maple cinnamon cake with vanilla frosting and a slab of bacon, who says chocolate gets to have all the fun on Valentine’s Day?

Kumquat Cupcakery at the Brooklyn Flea [One Hanson Pl. at Flatbush Avenue in Downtown, (718) 783-5437]. For info, visit www.kumquatcupcakery.com.

Liddibit Sweets

Yes, plain dark chocolate can really do the trick on particularly sexy occasions such as Valentine’s Day, but why neglect other sweet treats that can be just as wickedly delicious? How about a Liddibit Sweets peanut butter and jelly candy bar, or a “slurtle” with beer, caramel, pretzels, potato chips and dark chocolate?

Liddibit Sweets at Greene Grape Provisions [753 Fulton St. at South Portland Avenue in Fort Greene, (718) 233-2700. For info, visit www.liddabitsweets.com.

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By Daniel Bush

The Brooklyn Paper

Brooklyn’s longest happy hour has met its match — and the guy that beat it is me, reporter Dan Bush.

That’s right. I made Bobby Daquara — the owner of Bay Ridge’s Greenhouse Cafe who boasted last week that no one has ever drank his way through his half-day-long happy hour and live to tell about it — eat his words. Because I went, I saw, and I drank (a lot!), and here I am telling the tale.

But it wasn’t easy, even though the rules to this most dangerous game were simple: I would drink steadily and responsibly for 12 hours straight without falling asleep, drunk-dialing any girlfriends (former, current, or imagined) or leaving the bar. And, I’d have to write two stories (my editor’s demand), and make sure they were totally coherent. In short, I’d knock back about one beer an hour and still get my work done— child’s play for a pro like me, who once polished off 20 beers at BayFest and still wrote a killer BoroBeat.

So I stepped right up to a comfy stool at high noon and went straight to work, first ordering a Guinness (happy hour price: $4) and taking a sip, and then popping open my laptop and tapping away at the keys.

It’s not easy to be a reporter, but the job does come with some fringe benefits. And as I worked away on both my keyboard as well as Irish stout after Irish stout, I knew that I went down the right path when choosing my profession — even if the pay stinks.

To make sure I’d make it out alive I routinely lined my stomach with heaping platters of $4 chicken tenders and nachos — doled out at appropriate intervals — which I dutifully wolfed down.

But 12 hours is a long time — and coming up with great ideas while doing 12-ounce curls with my good buddy Weiser began to get a little boring a few hours into my journey.

So I did what any red-blooded American drinker would do when faced with the question “How can I make this happy hour a little more happy?” I switched to the hard stuff — with bottom-shelf booze economically priced at $4 a glass, on the rocks, of course. Bad idea.

Things got a little bit fuzzy about that time, but my blood alcohol level didn’t stop me from completing my soon-to-be Pulitzer Prize-winning story about how Borough President Markowitz wants to spend millions of taxpayer dollars on a new light show for the Parachute Jump in Coney Island. Yeah, my editors said they had to do some work on that, but, heck, that’s their job!

The day turned into night. I mingled with other patrons, who offered to buy me drinks. I think I remember losing an arm-wrestling match. I even played guitar (or at least tried to) with musician Paul Lee, who showed up to have a few low-priced pops.

By 10 pm, it was getting harder to type — my motor skills weren’t what they usually are, and the empty glasses where starting to get in the way. So I soldiered on, propping my laptop on my knees and banging out the first draft of the masterpiece that you are reading.

I can’t say why, but as the clock neared midnight, I found myself sipping Pinot Noir (yes, still $4!) and loosening my tie, once again.

As the clock struck midnight, I realized I’d crossed the finish line: I had turned this happy hour into the happiest workday I’d ever had.

My hootin’-n-hollerin’ was heard from blocks away as I crowed about my hard-earned bragging rights, and the fact that I had outlasted three bartenders — and the toughest happy hour in town.

Brooklyn’s longest happy hour at the Greenhouse Cafe [7717 Third Ave. between 77th and 78th Streets in Bay Ridge, (718) 833-8200]. From noon to midnight, Mondays–Thursdays.

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

A love-obsessed singer-songwriter lifts her lyrics straight from the “Missed Connections” section of Craigslist, using the stories of lovelorn Brooklyn subway riders as fodder for her strange-but-romantic ditties.

Tara O’Grady — a swing and pop performer whose Irish immigrant parents landed in Park Slope half a century ago — said she’s inspired by straphanger love connections because they’re fleeting: you better act fast before those train doors open and your soulmate walks off forever.

“There are so many people looking for love but not taking advantage of the moment,” she said. “Instead, they turn to computers later.”

One of her songs — aptly titled “Love on the Underground” — tells the real-life story of two potential lovebirds, each without the guts to make a move.

“You got on the C train somewhere in Brooklyn / Around 8:35,” she sings. “I was wearing a striped dress, navy blue sweater / We kept exchanging looks.”

Despite their attraction, the would-be lovers lose out to shyness.

“I brushed your arm — yes, intentionally,” sings O’Grady, recounting the story of two straphangers who should have made plans for drinks, but never did.

The upbeat but vaguely melancholy tune also tells the Craigslist-inspired tales of “the tired guy in the orange button-down,” “the ghostly pale girl” and “the beautiful Latina — in flip-flops!”

O’Grady will perform at a Greenwood Cemetery fundraiser next month, where swing-dancing duos can make a connection instead of missing one.

“I’m a single gal,” O’Grady said. “So I like it when other people believe they can find ‘the one.’”

Tara O’Grady and The Black Velvet Band at Green-Wood Cemetery [Fifth Avenue and 25th Street in Greenwood Heights, (718) 768-7300], March 10, 7 pm. Tickets, $50.

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By Kate Briquelet

The Brooklyn Paper

88th Precinct

Fort Greene–Clinton Hill

Apple picking

A heartless marauder threw a woman to the ground and nabbed her iPhone on DeKalb Avenue on Feb. 5.

The victim told cops that she was near Hudson Avenue at 6:30 am when the brute yelled, “Get the f–k down!” and knocked her over.

The suspect then yanked her mobile and headphones and fled.

Gang of four

A band of teens mugged a man on the Nevins Street subway platform for his iPhone on Jan. 30.

The victim told cops that he had just exited a Brooklyn-bound 4 train at 8:25 pm when the crew surrounded him. One of the perps grabbed his neck while another yanked his mobile.

The young crooks hopped on another train and fled.

iNabbed

Cops say they’ve arrested a crook for glomming a woman’s iPad as she entered the Clinton-Washington subway station on Feb. 3.

The victim told cops that she entered the platform near Lafayette Avenue at 7:32 pm, when a middle-aged bandit plucked her Apple device and fled.

The woman chased the man out of the station and into the grip of a police officer.

Police arrested a 47-year-old suspect.

Discount score

A dastardly thief lifted a 75-year-old woman’s pocketbook as she shopped at a Fulton Street dollar store.

The victim told cops that she left Dollar Deal near Rockwell Place at 2:45 pm — forgetting about her purse. When she returned to the store, her billfold was gone — along with her medication, insurance and Social Security cards, $100, and cellphone.

Mind the store

An evildoer hit the jackpot when he broke into a Tillary Street storage facility and snagged $11,300 in jewelry and electronics.

The victim told cops that she returned to her locker near Prince Street on Jan. 31, only to find her TV, computer, clothes, stereo, and framed diplomas and law licenses missing.

The Central Park West resident hadn’t been to the storage facility for more than a year.

Calling collect

A backstabbing pal swiped a man’s cellphones and cash as he dozed in his apartment on Washington Avenue on Feb. 1.

The victim told police that he invited his friend to his digs near Lafayette Avenue at 10 pm. When he woke up, his iPhone, Android mobile, and $300 were gone.

Cashed out

A petty pickpocket lifted $3,700 from a woman at Daffy’s in the Atlantic Center Mall on Feb. 3.

The Russian victim told police through a translator that she entered the women’s chain near Flatbush Avenue at about 2 pm. An hour later, she realized her cash, wallet, and cards were gone.

She said she had just withdrawn money from a bank and forgot to zip her bag shut before she shopped.

String along

A burglar nabbed a woman’s $30,000 guitar from her Lafayette Avenue apartment.

The victim told cops that she kept the instrument in the basement of her home near Clermont Avenue and last saw it in fall of 2009.

Her first floor tenants, construction men, and ex husband have previously had access to the residence, she said.

Car crimes

Thieves broken into and boosted at least six cars this week. Here’s the rundown:

• Some jerk snatched a Honda motorbike from Rockwell Place on Jan. 30.

The victim told police that he parked near DeKalb Avenue at 5 am. When he returned the next day, his black ’cycle was gone.

• A ruffian broke into a Mercedes-Benz on Fulton Street on Feb. 3 — smashing a passenger-side window and stealing door panels, an air bag, heat controls, and stereo.

The victim told police that she parked near Gates Avenue at 6 pm. When she returned the next night, her luxury SUV was ransacked.

• A crook drove off with a Dodge Stratus parked on Adelphi Street on Jan. 30.

The victim told cops that he parked near Myrtle Avenue at 9 am. When he returned that night, his black sedan was gone.

• Some scoundrel lifted a black sedan parked on Emerson Place around Jan. 29.

The victim told cops that he parked near Willoughby Avenue on Jan. 29. When he returned two days later, his 1997 Nissan Maxima was gone.

• A bandit smashed a car window on Waverly Avenue on Feb. 3 and stole the vehicle’s ignition.

The victim told cops that she parked near DeKalb Avenue at 7 pm. When she returned the next night, her 1996 Nissan Altima was a wreck.

• One no-good thief looted an Oldsmobile on Clinton Avenue on Feb. 2.

The victim told cops that she parked near DeKalb Avenue at 8 pm. When she returned the next day, her 1995 Cutlass Supreme was gone.

— Kate Briquelet

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By Natalie O’Neill

The Brooklyn Paper

78th Precinct

Park Slope

Black bag

A creep snatched a bag of cash from a meat delivery guy on Ninth Street on Jan. 30.

A worker from Los Primos Meat Market told cops that he delivered cuts to a Latin restaurant near Fifth Avenue at 2 pm and collected $5,000, which he put in a black bag. He then went to climb into his delivery truck — but a man ran up from behind, threatened him with a gun and snatched the bag.

Oh, Jesus!

A thug beat up a straphanger on Seventh Avenue on Feb. 5.

The victim told cops that he was inside the Seventh Avenue F train station near Ninth Street at 6:45 am when a long-haired man ran up to him. The man punched the poor commuter in the head and grabbed his $800 gold necklace — which was adorned with Jesus Christ’s face — before fleeing the station.

Bad taste

A thief stole thousands of bucks from a wine shop on Seventh Avenue on Jan. 30.

The owner of Slope Cellars near 15th Street told cops that two men busted the lock on the front door at 5 am, then stole a safe full of $6,000 — but took no vino.

So F’d

A crook swiped a wallet from a straphanger on Fourth Avenue on Feb. 2.

The victim told cops that he was riding the F train near Ninth Street at 6:20 am, when a man in a white hooded sweatshirt brushed up against him. The rider checked his pockets 10 minutes later and discovered his wallet containing $700 was gone.

Bedroom window

A perp stole a bunch of jewelry and electronics from an apartment on Fifth Avenue on Jan. 31.

The victim told cops that she left her home near President Street at 6:40 pm, then came back an hour later. That’s when she found her bedroom window near the fire escape ajar — and a desktop computer, diamond ring, and Nikon camera gone.

Quick...stop!

A jerk snatched a wallet from a car at a gas station on Third Avenue on Jan. 31.

The victim told cops that he pulled into a Citgo station near Butler Street at 1:20 pm and set his leather wallet in the back of the car while he pumped gas. He then waked into the station’s shop, came back to his car 10 minutes later — and discovered his wallet was gone.

— Natalie O’Neill

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By Juliet Linderman

The Brooklyn Paper

All aboard!

Beginning Feb. 15, St. Ann’s Warehouse will host the Wooster Group theater company and the New York City Players as they perform three of legendary playwright Eugene O’Neill’s earliest one-acts from “The Glencairn plays,” each taking place at a different point during a sea voyage.

The three pieces — “Bound East for Cardiff,” “The Long Voyage Home,” and “The Moon of the Caribbees” — are all semi-autobiographical, drawing on O’Neill’s own experiences as a World War I-era seaman, both on and off the high seas. For this production, the Wooster Group’s acclaimed director Elizabeth LeCompte has asked Richard Maxwell of the New York City players to direct these plays, to spotlight pieces rarely produced by professional theater companies, and de-mystify works widely considered too prestigious to touch.

“The Wooster Group has done some incredible things with Eugene O’Neill, and changed the way we are able to look at and experience these plays,” said Jim Fletcher, a member of the New York City Players who will portray Big Frank in “The Moon in the Caribbees,” and Fat Joe in “Bound East for Cardiff.” “Suddenly, a Eugene O’Neill play can seem like the most modern thing in the world, and rightly so. It should be that way but it hasn’t been, because there’s a lot of theatrical weight that comes with him. Liz re-claimed it for everybody; she gave the body of work a new life, opening it up to possibility.”

The Glencairn Plays at St. Ann’s Warehouse [38 Water St. between Main and Dock streets in DUMBO, (718) 834-8794]. Feb. 15-March 4. For info, visit www.stannswarehouse.org.

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By Colin Mixson

for The Brooklyn Paper

76th Precinct

Carroll Gardens-Cobble Hill–Red Hook

Basement burglar

A burglar stole two cameras and some cash from a woman’s Clinton Street apartment on Jan. 27.

The victim told cops that thief snuck into the building between Congress and Warren streets sometime after 9:30 am through a door in the basement that was left unlocked. He made off with a $150 digital camera, a $100 flip camera, and $80.

Cash envelope

A thief stole cash from a business on Dikeman Street on Jan. 19.

The crook entered the building near Ferris Street through an unlocked window sometime after 5:30 pm, taking an envelope containing $4,800 out of the building’s financial office, according to cops.

Silver knife steal

A knife-wielding jerk robbed a woman on Court Street on Jan. 23.

The victim told police she was between Nelson and Luquer streets at 6:10 pm when a woman approached her from behind.

“Give me the phone, or I’ll cut you,” she barked while displaying a silver knife, cops said. She then took the victim’s $50 Blackberry and fled.

Pharmacy attack

A woman was arrested after allegedly attacking a teller and stealing toiletries from a pharmacy on Court Street on Jan. 25.

Police said the woman entered the drug store between First and Second places around 1:45 pm and went to leave the store with about $80 worth of shampoos, lotions and other bathroom products, without paying.

That’s when a store clerk tried to stop her, but she responded by allegedly attacking and punching him before fleeing, he claimed.

Cops say they arrested a woman who fit the suspect’s description.

— Colin Mixson

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By Daniel Bush

The Brooklyn Paper

84th Precinct

Brooklyn Heights–DUMBO–Boerum Hill–Downtown

Purse stings

Thieves stole at least four purses last week. Here are the details:

• A crook snatched a woman’s purse from the bag check area at the City Tech bookstore on Adams Street on Feb. 2.

The victim said she checked the bag in at the bookstore between Tillary Street and Tech Place at 5:45 pm. She told cops it was missing when she returned 45 minutes later.

• Someone swiped a woman’s purse from a bar on Front Street on Jan. 27.

The victim said she left the purse at Rebar, between Jay and Pearl streets, at 10:30 pm. When she came back for it the next night, the purse was gone.

• A crook swiped a woman’s purse from the movie theater on Court Street on Feb. 4.

The victim told police that she placed her purse on the seat next to hers at the theater near State Street as the movie started at 7 pm. When the movie was over, her bag was gone.

• A thief stole a purse from an unlocked car on Atlantic Avenue on Feb. 2.

The woman told cops that she parked her car between Nevins Street and Third Avenue and left the purse inside to go pay the meter at 4:30 pm. When she returned one minute later, the bag was gone.

Diamond heist

A crook stole a man’s $4,000 ring inside of the Family Court building on Jay Street on Jan. 26.

The victim said he left the diamond ring in a bathroom inside the building near Tech Place at 2:30 pm. When he went returned one hour later, the ring was missing.

Macy’s malice

A thief stole a wallet from a shopper at Macy’s on Feb. 2.

The victim told police that she left the wallet near the register at the Fulton Street department store at 12:30 pm. When she returned for it 15 minutes later, the wallet was no longer there.

iPhone swiped

A crook stole a man’s iPhone at the Court Street subway station on Jan. 30.

The victim said he was riding a Bay Ridge-bound R train at 7:40 pm when the thief grabbed his cellphone and hopped off the train.

— Daniel Bush

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

90th Precinct

Southside–Bushwick

Pool stabbing

A knife-wielding thug stabbed a man in his left hand and belly outside a Grand Street pool hall on Feb. 4.

The victim was playing pool at the hall near Roebling Street at 3:30 am when he saw his friends having a dispute with the hoodlum on the street. So he ran outside to break up the fight, but the thug pulled out a knife and stabbed him once in his left hand and twice in the belly, and then ran away.

Golf outing

Five thugs repeatedly struck a man with golf clubs at S. Third Street on Feb. 4.

The man was on Hooper Street at 3:30 am when the group approached him. One shouted, “Get him!” then they all started striking the man’s face and body with the clubs.

They fled a few minutes later.

Botched robbery

Police arrested a resident of a Maujer Street building who they say tried to rob a delivery man inside the building on Feb. 4.

The victim was making the delivery to the man’s apartment near Graham Avenue at 10:40 am when the man allegedly pulled the delivery man into the doorway of his apartment, pointed a silver gun in his face, and said, “Give me the f--- money, mother----.”

The delivery man told cops he refused the man’s demands. That’s when he allegedly followed the victim outside the building and said, “Give me the money or I’ll kill you,” but the victim again refused and called the police.

Cops say they arrested a suspect shortly after.

iRobbery

Two robbers stole a man’s iPhone on Scholes Street on Feb. 6.

The victim told police that he was near Graham Avenue at 1:55 am when the duo approached him. One asked, “Can I see your phone?” and flashed a knife.

The victim handed over his cellphone and the two fled.

iSwiped

A thief grabbed a woman’s iPhone on Bedford Avenue on Feb. 6.

The woman was near Bedford Avenue at around 2 am when the jerk took the phone right out of her hand and fled.

Miller mayhem

A thief stole $200 from a Hope Street restaurant on Jan. 30.

The proprietor of Miller’s Tavern told cops that he locked up the establishment near Havemeyer Street at 1:46 am, but when he returned at 8 am, he saw the front door was damaged and the cash box was missing.

Toyota swiped

A thief stole a Toyota parked on S. Third Street sometime after Feb. 1.

The driver told police that she parked her car near Borinquen Place at 11 pm on Feb. 1, but when she returned to the spot four days later, she saw it was missing.

Mazda taken

A thief stole a Mazda parked on Montrose Avenue on Feb. 3.

The driver parked her car near Union Avenue at 10 pm, but when she returned four hours later, she saw her car was gone.

Tool time

A thief stole $3,800 worth of tools from a van parked on Manhattan Avenue on Jan. 28.

The driver parked his car near Meserole Street at 6 pm, but when he returned at 6 am the next day, he saw someone jimmied his car’s locks and took his stuff.

— Aaron Short

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By Eli Rosenberg

The Brooklyn Paper

77th Precinct

Prospect Heights

Free massage

A stressed-out crook treated himself to a massage at a Vanderbilt Avenue parlor on Jan. 31 — and didn’t pay the tab.

A witness told cops that the thief received a full body massage at Shanghai Stress Free between Prospect and Park places at 7 pm, before leaving without settling the $85 tab.

Be car-ful

A crafty crook stole a car parked on St. Marks Avenue on Jan. 30.

The victim told cops that he parked his 2005 Mazda sedan between Underhill and Washington avenues at 5 pm on Jan. 30. When he returned the next day at 3 pm, he discovered it was gone.

Soda popped

Two thieves broke into the basement of a bar on Vanderbilt Avenue on Feb. 4, said cops.

The duo allegedly entered Soda Bar, near St. Marks Avenue, at 9:35 pm, and left with $150 and a camera. Police said they arrested two suspects.

— Eli Rosenberg

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By Aaron Short

The Brooklyn Paper

94th Precinct

Greenpoint–Northside

Frosty robbery

Two vicious robbers stole $300 from a cab driver on Frost Street on Feb. 5.

The driver told police that he was sleeping in his car that was parked near Union Avenue at 5:40 am when the perps entered the back seat of his vehicle. One put a knife to the victim’s neck and demanded the cash.

The driver got out of the car and fought with the thieves, during which time one thug punched him in the face while the other took the cash out of his pocket before both fled.

Lock box

A thief stole $26,635 worth of construction tools from a Clay Street site.

The foreman closed and locked the site near McGuinness Boulevard at 2 pm on Jan. 29, but when he returned at 9 am the next day, he saw the chains and locks were cut and the lock boxes were stolen.

Tools taken

A thief stole several power washers from a Dupont Street residence.

The homeowner locked up his building near Manhattan Avenue at 5 pm on Jan. 30, but when he returned at 9 the next morning, he saw that his tools were missing.

Laptop lifted

A thief stole a Laptop, cash, and cameras from a N. Fifth Street apartment on Feb. 3.

The tenants left their apartment near Bedford Avenue at 2:30 pm. When they returned an hour later, they saw that the rear door was ajar and their property was gone.

Berry burglary

A thief stole a laptop from a Berry Street apartment on Feb. 3.

The tenant locked up her apartment near N. Ninth Street at 11:45 am, but when she returned at 6:30 pm, she saw her rear window had been shattered and her computer was gone.

TV fan

Cops arrested a thief who they said tried to steal a TV from a Manhattan Avenue apartment on Feb. 3.

A witness told police that the would-be robber broke into the apartment near Clay Street at 3:58 pm. Officials said responding officers found the man laying on the bed inside the apartment.

Tires gone

A thief stole a set of tires and rims from a car parked on Berry Street between Jan. 31 and Feb. 4.

The driver parked her car near N. 12th Street on Jan. 31 at 5 pm, but when she returned on a few days later, she saw her that tires were gone.

— Aaron Short

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By Dan MacLeod

for The Brooklyn Paper

68th Precinct

Bay Ridge—Dyker Heights

Snapp-ed!

A spazz smashed a woman’s hand with a Snapple bottle at a 13th Avenue store on Feb. 2.

The victim told cops that she got in an argument with another customer at the shop between 68th Street and Bay Ridge Avenue at 3:27 pm. Her attacker grabbed a glass Snapple bottle and hit her right hand, cutting her, the victim said.

Pocket picked

A crafty pickpocket swiped $50 from a woman shopping at an Eighth Avenue store on Feb. 3.

The victim told cops that she was perusing the aisles at the store between 63rd and 64th streets at 10 am when she noticed her wallet was missing from her purse.

Dinner to go

Thieves robbed at least two Eighth Avenue restaurants overnight on Feb. 2 — but only made off with around $300.

• Burglars busted into an eatery between 63rd and 64th streets on Feb. 2.

Employees told cops that cameras caught the perps removing the lock at 5:15 in the morning. The thieves made off with $120.

• Goons swiped $150 from an Eighth Avenue dumpling joint overnight on Feb. 2.

Employees told cops that they left the restaurant between 63rd and 64th streets at 9 pm. When they returned the next morning at 6:30, they found the front door lock had been removed, and the pitiful bounty missing.

Headphone jacked!

Violent punks robbed a teen for his headphones inside a Gelston Avenue apartment building on Feb 3.

The victim told cops that a dangerous duo approached him at 3:45 pm inside the building between 93rd and 94th streets and demanded his headphones.

One goon punched him in the face while trying to pull the ’phones off his head.

— Dan MacLeod

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By Scott Sager

for The Brooklyn Paper

Last weekend, my 14-year-old daughter was at a party in the neighborhood. She diligently texted me when she left with a group of friends to hang on the Promenade. Understanding that “hanging” could include just about any behavior from the benign to the horrifically unacceptable, I was tempted to take the dog for a walk at that very moment and “accidentally” run into the kids. I wanted to spy on her.

While I can list a number of reasons to check on my girl — knowing she’s safe, shielding her from danger, protecting her from bad decisions — the big, unspoken one is simply to know what’s going on in her life.

Let’s face it, teenagers have secret lives that are invitation-only, and parents are generally not on the list. There are moments when this drives me crazy. I know my older daughter, at sixteen, has classmates who smoke cigarettes, get high, and have sex. She never names names. I feel those details would help me gauge her risks, and evaluate situations she puts herself into, like which parties she goes to and whose house she hangs at. But it would take CIA interrogation training before I would have a chance of getting that information out of her.

Of course, there are ways. I could track my daughters with services from our cell phone company. I could make efforts to monitor their Facebook pages. I could even do some old fashioned snooping. And I would if I thought they were truly hurting themselves or planning to harm others. But short of those fears, I would feel awful if I covertly intruded into their lives. And in the end, my efforts would still fail. My girls will always have secret thoughts and private interactions. I can’t just follow them around.

Mostly, they’re doing the normal teenage stuff — couple things, texting with friends when they should be sleeping, planning to watch R-rated movies at someone’s house — all the stuff that I often group under the heading, “drama.” From my adult perspective, I see much teen angst as unnecessarily painful, and I would love to save my children from that. But I know I can’t; it’s a part of their lives, and I may not even know about many of the wounds and injuries, the crushes and rejections they face. Nor should I.

Call it what you will: testing limits, experimentation, rebelling. These are the things filling my parental nightmares but, also, these are the things enabling my teenagers to form their own emotional lives. When they leave home, I don’t want kids that call me constantly with the intimate details of their lives or text me for help picking a brand of toothpaste. Of course I don’t want them to disappear either. I want them to have friendships and loves, their own people that support and fulfill them. Right now, in adolescence, is where that starts.

These teenage years are a time of transition for my whole family and change is exciting but hard. It’s not all bliss watching them pull away and turn to friends for advice and support when I’m sure I have better answers. While I may still know where they are and who they’re with, I’m excluded more and more from their emotional lives.

I did walk the dog last weekend, while my daughter and her friends were on the Promenade. Despite my desires, I went a different direction.

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By Colin Mixson

The Brooklyn Paper

This singer-songwriter is part country dame and part city slicker — and she’s all about the love.

On Valentine’s Day, Cobble Hill’s own Risa Binder is releasing her debut album, “Paper Heart,” a heartfelt country tribute to loss, love and the pursuit thereof.

“It’s a feel good album,” said Binder. “It’s an album about the adventures of being in love, the highs and the lows, and learning to love yourself through that process.”

Binder, who admits she never listened to country growing up, fell head-over-heels for the western swing after portraying a certain country music star in a college play.

“I had to play Loreta Lynn in a show. I started doing research on her and that’s when I realized, country’s amazing,” said Binder. “I grew up listening to pop all the time, but then country came along, and that was it.”

After graduating college, Binder settled in Cobble Hill, in 2005 and, amidst frequent trips to Los Angeles and Nashville, trained herself in the art of song writing. After only a few months, she’d created “an arsenal of songs,” that later became “Paper Heart.”

“The process of making the album was so incredible; hearing the songs come to life like I’d never heard them,” said Binder. “When you write a song you’re telling a story, but when you hear the song it really comes to life.”

In the end, there’s two things that really set Binder apart from any other songwriter — her unmitigated honesty, and her expertly baked cupcakes: She’s an amateur baker, as well.

“I guess I just am exactly who I am, on stage and off,” said Binder. “I also bring homemade cupcakes to all my shows.”

Risa Binder’s “Paper Heart,” out Feb. 14. For purchasing info, visit www.risabinder.com.

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By Dan MacLeod

The Brooklyn Paper

The Feds will put another nail in the coffin of Brooklyn’s once-proud shipping industry by sending a team of customs inspectors in Red Hook packing, according to Brooklyn longshoremen who fear government bean counters are speeding the death of their industry.

United States Customs Agents plan to end hand inspections at the Red Hook Container Terminal, a move that will make it more expensive for producers to ship to the borough — putting 700 jobs on the line — say local pols.

“This decision could kill jobs and create a major competitive disadvantage for the Red Hook Terminal,” said Rep. Michael Grimm (R–Bay Ridge).

Under the plan, which could be in effect within a couple of months, shipments requiring hand inspections would be hauled to terminals in either New Jersey or Staten Island. After the cargo is cleared there, it would be shipped to the final destination. But pols and waterfront stakeholders warn that the added time needed could hurt the bottom line of those who ship to Brooklyn.

“It would definite hurt shipping in Red Hook,” said Greg Brayman, vice president of Phoenix Beverages, whose business at the terminal represents about 40 percent of the total shipments into Red Hook and who says that shipments of beer from Latin America fall under extra close scrutiny.

But Customs officials claim that the measure would speed up the inspections process — and save money.

“This move would improve productivity, [and] be cost-effective,” said Anthony Bucci, an agency spokesman.

Each year, Customs officials hand-inspect roughly 3,800 containers at the port — only six percent of the total 59,000 shipments that came into last year, according to the New York Times — though all shipments are scanned, said Bucci.

Bucci said that all shipments would still be inspected in some form in Red Hook, but declined to comment on the potential economic loss for Brooklyn if the plan goes through, and could not say how many customs agents would be reassigned to other ports. He added that not all shipments requiring a hand inspection would need to leave Red Hook, as inspectors could be sent there in a pinch.

The Red Hook port receives 3 million pounds of bananas from Ecuador each week along with the beer, as well as shipments from Saudi Arabia and France.

It’s not the first time in recent months that a government agency as changed operations at the Red Hook port: American Stevedoring, the longtime operator of the terminal, was evicted last year after a contentious legal battle with the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. The port is now run by Brayman and his father, said Joe Curto, president of the New York Shipping Association.

The agency initially wanted to shut down the inspections on Jan. 6, but postponed its decision for 90 days after pols pressured officials to reconsider the plan.

The decline of the shipping industry in Brooklyn started in the 1970s, when companies started transporting goods in containers instead of the smaller palettes, said Curto. The move allowed larger shipments, but required huge swaths of land to store all the containers.

“Containers need big storage yards. It’s hard to deliver that type of land for storage and operation in Brooklyn,” said Curto, adding that many shippers started unloading in New Jersey, where it was easier to build 350-acre shipping yards. “The cargo went to facilities where the land was.”

The Port Authority has also been trying to move shipping operations to Sunset Park — the head of the agency said in October that the Red Hook space should be abandoned to make room for hotels and other developments.

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By Dan MacLeod

The Brooklyn Paper

This weekend will be TRAINAGEDDON (for L train-riders who live in Bushwick, at least).

All changes are from Saturday, Feb. 11 at 12:01 am to Monday, Feb. 13 at 5 am unless otherwise noted:

A, C: Manhattan-bound trains run on the F from Jay Street–Metrotech to W. Fourth Street.

D: Manhattan-bound trains run on the N from Stillwell Avenue to 36th Street.

G: Trains skip Smith and Ninth Streets in both directions. Church Avenue–bound trains skip 15th Street–Prospect Park and Fort Hamilton Parkway.

L: No trains between Lorimer Street and Broadway Junction. Take the free shuttle bus.

N: Coney Island–bound trains run on the D line from 36th Street to Stillwell Avenue. No trains at Court Street or Jay Street–Metrotech. Take the 4 train instead. Brooklyn-bound trains run on the Manhattan Bridge from Canal Street in Manhattan to DeKalb Avenue.

R: Brooklyn-bound trains run on the Manhattan Bridge from Canal Street in Manhattan to DeKalb Avenue. Take the 4 train instead.

Got a transit gripe? Tell us. E-mail dmacleod@cnglocal.com.

Information courtesy of New York City Transit — and is accurate at press time. Community Newspaper Group is not responsible for last-minute changes made by the agency.

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The Brooklyn Paper

It’s undeniable: love is in the air, Brooklyn! And as you gear up for Valentine’s Day, a holiday revered by some and loathed by others, take a moment to look around our fair borough and spend a few moments thinking about what you love most. For us, it’s the weekend!

• Want a hot, fresh hamburger at the trendiest place in town? On Friday, go get on line at Downtown’s brand spankin’ new Shake Shack on the Fulton Mall. The “Fudge-eddaboutit” concrete comes highly recommended — after all, it’s chock full of Mast Brothers chocolate and smothered in specialty chocolate-cinnamon sauce!

• Then, take a trip to the Brooklyn Museum to check out the video art exhibit, “Question Bridge,” an installation that explores the politics of race identity. While you’re there, stop by two new exhibitions, courtesy of a couple of Brooklyn-based up-and-comers.

• Rock on over to the borough’s longest happy hour and throw back a few beers — it’s Friday, after all. Our own reporter, Daniel Bush, survived the challenge!

• Afterwards, take a trek up to Greenpoint and check out No. 7 Sub, our borough’s latest and greatest contribution to the sub sandwich craze.

• Then, on Friday night, feel the love at the Heights Players performance of “Man of No Importance.”

• Or, on Friday night, you can revel in heartbreak at the “Just Working On My Breakup” reading at WORD in Greenpoint — don’t worry, it’ll be fun, we promise!

• On Saturday, go chow down on some delectable fondue at Cobble Hill’s favorite new neighbor, the Bourgeois Pig. Wash it down with a Kaiser’s Swizzle! It’s the weekend, after all — which means you’re free to drink in the afternoon.

• Don’t forget that by Saturday, Valentine’s Day is just three days away, which means you should probably start shopping for your sweetheart’s gift, if that’s what you’re into. Here’s our guide to the sexiest aphrodisiacal dishes in the borough (to help you snag a reservation), and a guide to the most delicious edible treats for your valentine. You’re welcome!

• Then, on Saturday, head to Factory Fresh in Bushwick where graffiti legend Skewville is celebrating 40 years in the street art game with a massive retrospective show. Think paint-splashed walls and wooden sneakers.

• For dinner, try Top Chef Dale Talde’s new eponymous eatery, Talde, in Park Slope; our own foodie-in-chief went nuts for the joint.

Wash it down with a beer — or five — at the Brooklyn Tap House, which boasts one of the largest beer selections in the city! Who wouldn’t wanna?

• On Saturday night, head to Williamsburg and check out “Follow the Leader” at Triskelion Gallery, an evening of short plays about cults.

• For dinner, try Top Chef Dale Talde’s new eponymous eatery, Talde, in Park Slope; our own foodie-in-chief went nuts for the joint.

Then, wash it down with a beer — or five — at the Brooklyn Tap House, which boasts one of the largest beer selections in the city! Who wouldn’t wanna?

• Wake yourself up on Sunday with a trip to the Williamsburg’s hottest — and coolest — coffee shop Toby’s Estate, all the way from the land down under!

• Then, hop over to Midwood and feast on a knish — hand-made by Brooklyn legend Mohamed Salem of Adelman’s Kosher Delicatessen! Trust us — these knishes are delicious.

• Still hungry? Great! Head to Park Slope and check out Va Beh, a scrumptious Italian outpost that makes a dreamy crostini.

• And as always, these and other great events are in our exclusive family calendar, our great nightlife calendar, and our matchless events calendar.

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