Smartmom: Smartmom thinks that slumber parties for children under the age of 35 should be banned. Why would any parent want to sacrifice his or her sleep and sanity for an all-night gathering of pre-teen girls? Comment.

Smartmom: Monday night, Hepcat, Smartmom, and OSFO bought a Christmas tree from the gentle Canadian man, who sell trees in front of the CVS drugstore. Comment.

Smartmom: One day while lunching on a turkey sub at the Subway on Seventh Avenue, Smartmom ran into a mom she knew back when Teen Spirit was in elementary school. Comment.

Smartmom: Trouble on Third Street. Last Friday, during a rehearsal of Teen Spirit’s band, Cool and Unusual Punishment, in Drummer Boy’s apartment, the downstairs neighbors (DNs) called up and told them to cease and desist. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom almost fell over last month when Hepcat suggested they buy a new television. “There’s a big sale at Best Buy,” he said. “And 32-inch LCD flat screens are the sweet spot.” Comment.

Smartmom: Thanksgiving: that most American of holidays. Pumpkin pie. Football. Divorce. Comments (1).

Smartmom: Smartmom was so impressed with the Annie Leibovitz show at the Brooklyn Museum — with its ravishing shots of Demi, Brad, Scarlett and a host of family and friends of the photographer’s — that she decided it was about time she had her very own digital camera. Comment.

Smartmom: The new film with Kate Winslet and hunky Patrick Wilson, “Little Children,” reminded Smartmom of something she’s known for a long time: extra-marital sex just isn’t worth the bother. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom is mad as hell and she’s not going to take it anymore. You should not send your kid to school if he’s throwing up or has diarrhea! Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom was in one of her rages after attending Tuesday night’s discussion at the Seventh Avenue Barnes & Noble with the authors of The Case Against Homework: How Homework is Hurting Our Children and What We Can Do About It. Comment.

Smartmom: When Smartmom’s Friends with Brownstone ask if the Oh So Feisty One would be willing to water their plants or feed their pets while they’re away, she almost always says “yes.” Comment.

Smartmom: Move over, Smartmom. There’s a new mom on Seventh Avenue and she’s taking over your turf. And guess what? It’s Diaper Diva, your very own twin sister. Comment.

Smartmom: So, it’s okay for mothers to spend billions of dollars a year at Toys “R” Us, but they’re not allowed to breastfeed on the premises — it’s offensive, too sexual and not appropriate for children. Comment.

Smartmom: The week before Rosh Hashanah, Smartmom was meditating in her bedroom. Her attempts to meditate at home are usually a comedy of errors and this was no exception. The fragrance of burning incense seems to attract her offspring like flies to honey. Comment.

Smartmom: The other night on the way home from the Park Slope Pavilion after seeing “Little Miss Sunshine,” Smartmom asked Hepcat which actress should play her if anyone ever makes a movie or a television series of her life. Comment.

Smartmom: It’s hard enough returning to the routines of school so soon after Labor Day — the getting the kids up and out before eight in the morning, the scramble to scramble eggs for that all-important fortifying breakfast, the two hours of picking out an outfit — but that’s nothing compared to the annual Invasion of the Park Slope Body-Snatchers! Comment.

Smartmom: A few years back, it seemed that a lot of couples were either getting divorced, thinking about separating, or in a real funk. Comment.

Smartmom: What did Smartmom and family do on their summer vacation? She and the kids swam in a brand new swimming pool and Hepcat had to confront his past and accept change. That’s a tall order for anyone, but especially for Hepcat, who’s a stickler for times gone by. Comment.

Smartmom: Last week, Diaper Diva’s red-haired daughter, Ducky, celebrated her second birthday and her very first birthday in the United States. Comment.

Smartmom: They call it a family vacation. Is that an oxymoron? Or are Smartmom and her extended family moronic to even give it a try? Comment.

Smartmom: You’ve heard of road rage. Now there’s “Mommy Rage” and there’s no shortage of it in Park Slope. Comment.

Smartmom: Not long ago, there was a bomb scare in Park Slope. It wasn’t on the news or on the radio — heck, what’s a bomb scare in New York City anymore? — but in the Slope, it was a major incident. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom thinks that the Oh So Feisty One, at age 9, is old enough to walk to the corner and cross the street. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom has a dirty little secret: She actually looked forward to Hepcat’s trip to Indianapolis to watch some Formula One racing because it would mean three days without him. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom cried on the Oh So Feisty One’s last day of school this week. She always does. They were quiet tears: quickly-brushed-away tears, and tears-that-got-stuck-in-the-middle-of-her-throat tears. Comment.

Smartmom: After Smartmom’s recent column about buying a pair of $600 Jimmy Choo stilettos, readers asked The Papers to print a picture of the now-famous pumps. Click here to take a look. Comment.

Smartmom: Teen Spirit turned 15 last week. Smartmom knew enough not to suggest a party, but she did ask if he wanted to invite some friends over. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom bought her first pair of Jimmy Choo’s on Saturday afternoon in Baltimore. She doesn’t know what got into her. She doesn’t even remember exactly how it happened. It’s all sort of a blur. Comment.

Smartmom: Writing teachers always advise newbies, “Write what you know.” But Smartmom learned first-hand the perils of that credo after last month’s article, Ratner $$ can’t buy love, angered many in the PS 321 community. Comment.

Smartmom: On the day of the 30th high school reunion of the Walden School (a progressive private school on the Upper West Side that no longer exists), Smartmom spent many hours beautifying at the Frajean Salon on Seventh Avenue. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom forgot that parents were supposed to dress up 1960s-style for the PS 321 Auction and Dance Friday night at the Brooklyn Museum. Comment.

Smartmom: Last week, Hepcat woke Smartmom at midnight. Comment.

Smartmom: Smartmom loved Heath Ledger in “Brokeback Mountain.” In fact, the scene in the tent with Jake really got her juices going. Literally. A little rough, a little raw, it was one of the best movie sex scenes in recent memory. Comment.

Smartmom: The oldest daughter of Smartmom’s rich cousin in Baltimore is getting married in June — a black-tie wedding — and Smartmom’s clan is in tizzy about what to wear. Comment.

Smartmom: It may not be June, but it’s wedding season in the Oh So Feisty One’s third-grade class at PS 321. Spot, OSFO’s favorite stuffed dog, and Kate, the stuffed bear of her classmate, are engaged. Kate is a divorcee with a young baby bear named Bob, Jr. Spot will be his stepfather. Comment.

Smartmom: Sometimes, Smartmom wonders if Park Slope is becoming a parody of itself. Comment.

Smartmom: It had already been a pretty bad week. But Mrs. Kravitz’s phone call Friday afternoon turned it into a really lousy one. Literally. Comment.

Smartmom: Hepcat got a job, Harried Harriet is seeing a new man, Tall and Lanky’s house renovation was dragging on, and the war in Iraq entered its fourth year. Sounds like it was time for a “Mommy Dinner.” Comment.

Smartmom: The Oh So Feisty One’s ninth birthday is here — and that means it’s time to make the cupcakes. Comment.

Smartmom: While walking on Prospect Park West the other day, Smartmom noticed a copy of The Park Slope Paper wrapped in plastic on the steps of Jennifer Connelly’s limestone mansion. Omigod, she squealed aloud to no one. Does Jennifer read Smartmom? Comment.

Smartmom: Break out the Proseco! Hepcat’s got a full-time job with a computer start-up in Manhattan. And Smartmom could really use a drink, because she’s still reeling from the changes this has brought to her household. Comment.

Smartmom: How about this for timing: Smartmom’s mother-in-law arrived from California just in time to catch last week’s “Valentine’s Sexcapade” column. Comment.

Smartmom: It was bad enough that Smartmom put herself out there in her column two weeks ago, writing about her “old married couple” sex life with hubby Hepcat — and then openly discussing her plan to get a room at the Brooklyn Marriott for a Valentine’s Day tryst. Comment.

Smartmom: Betty Friedan showed up in the sky above Seventh Avenue last week as Smartmom headed to Connecticut Muffin after the PS 321 drop-off. Comment.

Smartmom: The only people Smartmom knows who are having sex are her divorced and widowed friends. Between Match.com, Nerve, and some of the other dating Web sites, there’s no shortage of the unattached and unencumbered eager for a little hanky-panky. Comment.