Louis Schlamowitz: Public Enemy #1 or just an old guy with a lot of time on his hands?

The federal government seems to think the former, judging by how frequently investigators from the FBI, the CIA and other “national” “security” agencies drop by Schlamowitz’s Canarsie apartment.

They always ask the same thing: Why does Schlamowitz’s name keep popping up in the files of famous (and infamous) overseas leaders (and criminals)?

But the jackbooted thugs should leave the old man alone: Schlamowitz is not bothering anyone. In fact, what he’s doing is bothering everyone.

Since 1954, when he sent a simple Christmas card to former President Harry Truman, Schlamowitz has sent tens of thousands of letters to leaders all over the world with a simple request: Can I have your autograph?

The result is a collection of 5,000 signed pictures that fills 60 loose-leaf binders and spills out onto the walls of his tiny apartment in the Bay View Houses.

This is not the work of a mere autograph hound; this is the life’s mission of an autograph pit bull.

He has signed pictures from every astronaut who has been in space; every Israeli prime minister from David Ben-Gurion to the new guy, Ehud Olmert; every first African-American general in every branch of the armed forces; every important Watergate figure; every president from Herbert Hoover to the current Bush; every member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; important figures in the Martha Stewart case, including Martha herself, the man who prosecuted her and the judge who sentenced her; and many enemies of the United States, from Hafez Assad to Moammar Qaddafi to Ayatollah Khomeini.

“I wrote to him when he was in exile in France,” Schlamowitz said. (It’s not that he was a fan of the Ayatollah, but merely an equal-opportunity pest. “I also have the Shah and some of the hostages,” he said.)

“Three weeks after I wrote to Khomeini, the Shah was overthrown and Khomeini was in power in Iran. Seemed like a nice guy.”

No wonder the CIA, the FBI, the NSA keep visiting. “They ask me why my name keeps coming up in everyone’s files. They asked me who I know in high places.”

He actually knows no one. But Schlamowitz, a retired floral designer, is blessed (or cursed) with a Zelig- or Chauncy Gardner-like ability to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Early last year, for example, he wrote to federal judge Joan Lefkow in Chicago asking, as he always does, for a signed picture. Two weeks later, Lefkow’s husband and mother were murdered.

A month after that, an investigator from the Department of Justice named Jack Sheehan knocked on Schlamowitz’s door.

“I told him about what I do and he just said, ‘That’s a hell of a hobby, Louie,’” Schlamowitz said. (Sheehan did not return my call.)

Of course, Schlamowitz had a perfect alibi anyway: He rarely leaves home, except to buy spiral notepads, envelopes and stamps — the only weapons in his arsenal. He doesn’t even travel — even when he was invited to Washington, D.C. by the Senate leadership last year.

“Obviously, they thought I was some big lawyer or Republican fundraiser, but I’m just a guy who writes letters,” said Schlamowitz, who describes himself as “half-Republican, half-Democrat.” (My guess is that the flannel-shirt-and-jeans-wearing Schlamowitz also turned down the invite because of the “business attire” requirement.)

Pull up a bulging loose-leaf binder and Schlamowitz’s non-partisanship is apparent.

His personal collection of Passover and Rosh Hashana cards and notes from sidelined Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon numbers in the double-digits.

“I am certain we have the faith and the strength to stand firm with pride and win the day,” Sharon once wrote him.

Meanwhile, Yasser Arafat was writing Schlamowitz the same thing about his cause.

“We hope [you know] about the cause of the Palestinian people in the injustices incurred upon him by the racist, expansionist Zionist state of ‘Israel’,” Arafat wrote in 1979.

Instead of a “sincerely” or a “yours truly,” Arafat wrote his name under his standard sign-off: “Revolution until victory.”

Schlamowitz treats all politicians with the same respect, until they commit a crime — then they go in the disgraced binder with other corrupt or shamed politicians from the Abscam low-lifes to Marion Barry to Dan Rostenkowski to Bob Packwood to Sol Wachtler.

“That’s where the bums end up,” he said. The binder is, alas, way too thick.

Still, there are plenty of pols who retain their place in Schlamowitz’s honor roll, from Jack to Ron to Rudy to Hillary to Bill.

Even Nixon holds a spot in Schlamowitz’s heart, thanks to a classic photo showing a 1970s-era Louis Schlamowitz, his sideburns as plump as lamb chops, shaking hands with the president during an April, 1973, breakfast at the White House.

“He kept calling me ‘Counselor.’ I swear he had me mixed up with [then New York Attorney General] Louis Lefkowitz,” he said.

Flipping through the years of photos, a visitor takes in not just a history of world politics, but an almanac of bad hair (the 1980s), wide ties (the 1970s) and thick eyeglass frames (the 1960s).

And it all started with that single letter to Truman.

“We were in the Army in Korea and my buddy had an extra Christmas card that he gave me. I said, ‘I ain’t got nobody to write to,’ so he said I should write to Truman. I said, ‘There’s no way Truman will write back to me, a buck private.’ But sure enough, he did.”

Now he sends a few letters a day, contacting anyone of interest whose name he saw in that day’s newspaper. And his mission is not tainted by even the slightest bit of research. His outgoing letter to the new Chilean president was addressed, “Honorable Michelle Bachelet, Office of the new president elect, Presidential Palace, Santiago, Chile.” A similarly addressed letter is headed to North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong Il — and will no doubt prompt a new round of visits from national security officers.

If he has any regrets, it’s simply that his life’s work has become difficult in a nation that sees terror threats lurking in every hand-written envelope.

“Everything changed after 9/11,” Schlamowitz said. “I get more rejections now. The new Supreme Court guy, Roberts — his secretary wrote back saying that he doesn’t give autographs as a matter of personal policy. What’s that all about?”.

Gersh Kuntzman is the Editor of The Brooklyn Paper. E-mail Gersh at gkuntzman@cnglocal.com

©2006 Community Newspaper Group

Tweet