April 7, 2007 / Perspective / Parenting / Smartmom

Out with the old, into the bathroom

Louise Crawford

for The Brooklyn Paper

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It was just an innocent attempt to organize some books that started when Smartmom came home from her office and found towers of books precariously balanced on the floor of the hallway and in Teen Spirit’s bedroom.

Apparently, Beautiful Smile emptied a couple of bookcases.

“I haven’t dusted them in ages,” she told Smartmom, who thought it was a fantastic idea.

Analyzing this Eiffel Tower of bookdom, Smartmom decided it was time to go through and prune them. Surely, the family didn’t need all those books.

An old law dictionary Hepcat found in the garbage? Computer Shopper Magazines from the 1990s? A complete Handyman’s Encyclopedia?

Mass reorganization and throwing away: it’s Smartmom’s idea of heaven and Hepcat’s idea of hell. That’s why she and Beautiful Smile kept their project hush-hush.

No sense in Hepcat getting all agitated…

Before they knew it, it was dusk and time for Beautiful Smile to go home to Coney Island.

Smartmom knew she had a long night ahead.

While Smartmom worked in the back of apartment, Hepcat worked at his computer up front.

Shhhh. Hepcat gets apoplectic anytime Smartmom reorganizes. He still hasn’t forgiven his mother for throwing out a complete set of Outer Limits trading cards, now worth millions.

Quietly, Smartmom sorted through hundreds of books.

It was like traveling through Teen Spirit’s childhood when she dove into his old trove. She used a damp cloth on his Harry Potter hardcovers and volumes 1–13 of the “Series of Unfortunate Events,” Daniel Handler’s wacky, dark masterpiece of literary name-play.

Smartmom lovingly dusted off Teen Spirit’s collection of “Alice and Wonderland” books, which he started collecting in middle school when he decided it was his most favorite tome.

Tin Tin, Narnia, Peanuts, Calvin and Hobbes and a large set of Manga comics.

Finally, more recent reads by authors like William Gibson, Stanislav Lem, Terry Patchett (Mad Magazine meets J.R. Tolkien). “Catch 22,” “Catcher in the Rye,” “All the President’s Men,” “To Kill a Mockingbird.” Phew.

Once all the keepers were dusted and placed on Teen Spirit’s shelf Smartmom went in for the kill. And she found plenty of stuff to toss. Out with the Magic Treehouse books, “Captain Underpants,” “Henry and Mudge,” Dorling Kindersley.

Smartmom’s heart beat wildly as it always does when she is purging her household of unwanted items. The act of clearing space creates a kind of euphoria mixed with hysteria.

Books, books, and more books — more grist for the stoop sale, the PS 321 rummage sale, the Salvation Army … Ahhhh.

The emptiness of the bookcase in the hallway gave Smartmom a Zen-like feeling of calm. She was letting go of worldly processions. Reaching Nirvana.

Minimal. Empty. Clean.

She sat and stared at the empty bookcase like the Buddha underneath the Bodhi tree. She’d always despised that bookcase because it’s such a junk collector: pencils, action figures, dice, single earrings, outdated Metrocards, business cards nobody needs. No matter how often she clears it, that bookcase refuses to stay clean.

But what to do with it, she wondered, the apartment is pretty much maxed out in terms of furniture space. Hmmmm.

Eureka. Ah ha! The bathroom. For towels and toiletries. OK.

All. By. Herself. Smartmom moved the bookcase, which is like six feet tall and three feet wide very, very quietly.

Change is such big deal for Hepcat. Teen Spirit and the Oh So Feisty One, too. But Smartmom was absolutely certain that the white bookcase would look great in the bathroom.

It was heavy and cumbersome, but Smartmom is strong when she needs to be. A regular superwoman, she didn’t tell Hepcat for almost an hour that she’d moved the bookcase.

Then he went to the bathroom.

Expletive deleted!

“What the hell? It’s so claustrophobic in here. Where are the books that were on this bookcase? I’ll have to pee sideway,” he ranted.

After a few days, Hepcat, Teen Spirit, and OSFO seem to have adjusted to the new arrangement. Maybe they even like it now.

Really. It was just an attempt to organize some books.

©2007 The Brooklyn Paper