Today’s news:

Thugs beat up a guy

for The Brooklyn Paper

Battered!

Thugs beat up a 56-year-old man as he sat on a bench towards the southern end of beautiful Prospect Park — taking his wallet and then ringing up nearly $800 in charges on his credit card.

The attack actually occurred on May 25 near the entrance to the park at 14th Street and Prospect Park West, but the victim did not report it until last week because no charges had yet surfaced on his credit card statement.

But once the $785 worth of charges appeared, the Windsor Terrace man marched to the 78th Precinct stationhouse and told cops how the two thugs had approached him at around 2 pm and started pummeling him.

Seventh hell

A thief busted into a Seventh Street apartment overnight on July 17 to get a laptop and cash.

The victim told cops that he was not in the unit, which is at Fourth Avenue, between 7 pm and noon the next day, when he discovered the missing computer and $200.

He also told police that the building is under renovations, so there are typically many people coming in and out.

iGone

A thief moved in quickly to snatch a fancy iPhone from a Manhattan woman who was working on the top-of-the-line device as she walked on 10th Street on July 15.

The victim told cops that she was between Fourth and Fifth avenues at around 11 pm when the thief pushed her to the ground and grabbed the popular Apple phone.

Screwed!

A thief brandished a screwdriver to steal a bike from a man relaxing in the secluded Nellies Lawn area of Prospect Park on July 17.

The perp approached the victim at around 10:30 am and asked the ultimate no-win question: “You got a problem?”

When the victim replied no, the thief inquired about the biked lying nearby. When the victim replied that it belonged to him, the thug then pulled out the screwdriver and rode away from the spot, which is in the middle of the park along the Center Drive.

The victim chased after the perp, but soon gave up.

Book bash

A thug sliced a man with a sharp object for no apparent reason near the central branch of the Brooklyn Public Library in Grand Army Plaza on July 14.

The victim told cops he noticed a suspicious character trailing him through and then out of the library at around 9 pm.

He tried to keep some distance between himself and his pursuer, but when picked up speed, the thug did so as well, chasing him for several blocks and into the Grand Army Plaza subway station where he produced the sharp object and hit him with it.

Then, just as quickly as he struck, the thug fled.

Wheely bad

It was another busy week for the always-active Park Slope car thieves, who broke into at least nine vehicles last week. Here’s a round-up:

• A Honda Accord that had been parked on Eighth Avenue between Seventh and Eighth streets, just before 11 pm on July 12 was gone by 8 pm the next day.

• A thief busted into a Mazda that had been parked on the desolate part of Flatbush Avenue near the Prospect Park Zoo on July 12 at 4 pm. When the owner returned just five and a half hours later, he discovered the broken window and $460 and various cards had been taken.

Five days later, a thief broke into an SUV that had been parked along the same stretch of Flatbush Avenue on July 17 at noon. When the owner returned from his visit to the zoo three hours later, he discovered that his navigation system, two Nintendo gaming systems, games, DVDs and CDs had been taken.

• That most-sought-after of cars — the 1993 Plymouth Voyager! — was swiped off President Street between Fifth and Sixth avenues sometime between 8:30 and 11 am on July 13.

• A man’s son-in-law told cops that he’d parked the old man’s Honda Civic on St. Marks Place between Fourth and Fifth avenues at 12:30 pm on July 15 — but the $6,000 car was gone when he returned to it 24 hours later.

• Thieves broke into a Chrysler that a Philly man had parked on Carroll Street between Fourth and Fifth avenues on July 13 at 7 pm to steal a navigation system, speakers and a DVD player. The owner discovered the dastardly act the next morning at 8.

• A thief vroomed off on a fancy motorcycle that he swiped off 12th Street between Sixth and Seventh avenues sometime after 8 am on July 16. The owner of the chopper discovered the crime 11 hours later.

• Thieves broke into a Lincoln Town Car that was parked on 11th Street between Second and Third Avenues sometime after 4 am on July 19 to steal cash and credit cards. The owner told cops that he might have left the car unlocked and that his credit cards had been used around the neighborhood.

• A thief smashed into a Nissan that had been parked by a Connecticut woman on the corner of Eastern Parkway and Flatbush Avenue at 10:15 am on July 19. When she returned two hours later, the victim discovered that her navigation system, cellphone and credit cards were gone.

Purse snatch

A thug grabbed a Queens woman’s purse on Third Avenue on July 19.

The victim was near 10th Street at around 3 am when she was approached by the perp, who commanded her to give him her purse, she told cops. When she demurred, the thug quickly snatched it and ran toward Second Avenue.

This is sick

A thief snatched a New York Methodist Hospital employee’s purse from a desk inside the Seventh Avenue medical center on July 13.

The victim told cops that she left her purse on the desk while she was tending to patients at 3 am. An hour later, though, the purse was gone.

Stoop swipe

A thief swiped a woman’s iPhone as she sat on her 13th Street stoop on July 15.

The victim told cops that she was just sitting on her front stoop, which is near Eighth Avenue, with her phone in her hand when a teenage girl sneaked over to her and grabbed it.

The perp then fled down 13th Street after the 9 pm attack.

Updated 12:16 pm, July 24, 2009: Story was updated to put the right damn byline on it.
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