Hurts so good! Mellencamps are back!

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Kickball’s defending champs still own its runner-up rivals.

The John Cougar Mellencamps asserted its dominance over two of the league’s best teams on Sunday, taming the up-and-down Pony Boys and the surging Never Scared in its best performance of the year.

The Mellencamps vaulted into second place after posting five runs in the first inning of its Pony Boys match before stomping them 6-1.

Then, for an encore, the Mellencamps rained on the scarecrow by racking up five early runs against Never Scared, and holding the lead thanks to some terrific defensive plays from “Shirtless” Tom McDonough and Rookie of the Year candidate “Baby Jesus” Mike, en route to a 9-4 win before the lights above McCarren Park went dim.

Their opponents credited the champs’ potent offense while blaming key absences in their roster for the lopsided losses.

The Pony Boys were without Jason “Einhorn” Finkel, Courtney “Kool Whip” Kessler, and third baseman Priest “Holy Roller” Fontaine, while captain Anthony “Sam” Sneed missed both games due to a pulled groin (which is not an Anthony Weiner joke).

“We got destroyed by the JCMs,” said Sneed, who said he would miss several weeks due to aggravating his injury (which may be an Anthony Weiner joke). “Low moral, key players missing, bad groin injury on my part equaled a big loss.”

The hurt continued for the Boys who lost an earlier game to Never Scared by a run, after taking a 2-0 lead in the first and holding a 4-3 lead in the third before the purple players responded and held on for a 5-4 win.

Never Scared’s “Hot” Karl Pawlewicz called the teams “evenly matched.”

“It’s easy to see why they made the finals last year, and I know they were shorthanded last night,” said Pawlewicz. “If our times play 10 games in a row, we probably split the series — they had great kicks and we just didn’t panic.”

The league’s other veteran teams had better weekends.

American Blood, the former Majesty squad, People’s Court, Booze on First, and the Mathletes stocked up on free agents in the off-season and compiled quietly successful seasons to show for it.

The Blood mercied Dolls Kicking Balls by 10 wins and clipped Ramrod by a run just as Booze on First completed two mercy killings, ending games against Taco Taco Taco and Vices prematurely with three-run home run shots.

Meanwhile People’s Court exploded with an 11-1 drubbing over Living on Prayer before enacting swift justice against the faltering Diddy’s Meat Party, 8-1.

And the Mathletes’ potent offense added up to 21 runs and two wins over Recession Aggression, 10-1 and the Vices, 11-1.

Mathletes captain Kiley “Straight” Edgley said the team has been working to improve its aim while kicking and is now among the most efficient teams in the league.

“Yesterday, we finally boosted our defense with some incredibly well-placed kicks and quick, aggressive base running,” said Edgley.

In other games, the Kickables shut down Natural Born Winners’ fourth inning rally to win 8-5 before taming Recession Aggression behind the crisp fielding of Kurt “Shades” Schrader and Rochelle “RoRo” Fainstein.

And top ranked New Frontiersmen rolled over its opponents Baywatch Nights, 5-1 and Bayside, 9-1, despite the absences of Matt “Marquis de” Sadewitz, who had the flu; captain Mike “Robert” Altman, who was out of town; and Jelmer “Most Likely Dutch” Steenhuis, whose new tattoo was still healing.

That’s a typical Brooklyn Kickball injury.

Brooklyn Kickball at Gilroy Field in McCarren Park (Bedford Avenue at N. 13th Street in Greenpoint), Sundays, 5–11 pm.

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