Today’s news:

You think the post office is bad? Try Fed Ex!

for The Brooklyn Paper

I’m madder than a mailman who has to climb three flights of steps to deliver a certified letter on the hottest day of the year (or the coldest, with the steps covered in ice!) — and then find out that there is no one at home to sign for it — over Fed Ex’s inability to deliver a simple package to yours truly.

Look, you all know that I delivered mail for 30 years for the United States Postal Service before I retired to my fabulous co-op in Bensonhurst, so I would understand it if you figured that when I complained about a competitor like Fed Ex (or “Federal Express,” as they used to call it in the good ol’ days) it’s just sour grapes.

But let me tell you something: it’s not! You know why? Because I’ll be the first to tell you that the Post Office stinks! That’s right, you heard it from the horse’s mouth!

But I digress. This column is about Fed Ex, not the Post Office where this particular courier took a day or two off from his appointed rounds, but only because I earned a some personal days!

Look, I don’t want to bore you with the details, so I’ll get right to it. I wanted to get my 91-year-old sister one of those fancy do-hickey’s you need to talk to people when the wire from your phone doesn’t stretch far enough outside, so I went onto the Interweb and found a cellphone I thought she could handle late on July 1. That meant the order would go through the next day — which I figured gave me plenty of time to get it, set it up, wrap it up, and deliver it to Susie on her big day, July 11. I figured I’d have it by the fifth at the latest.

Boy, was that wishful thinking.

When Fed Ex never showed up on the fifth, I figured it had something to do with the day before being a holiday. Hey, I’ve been in the business and I know what that’s like. Still, I called Verizon, and the people over there passed the buck, giving me the tracking number for the package and phone number of Fed Ex to check on its whereabouts.

That’s when the phone tag began! Fed Ex referred me to a couple of customer service reps, who promised me delivery by 7 pm on the seventh. Ha! Repeat this scenario on Thursday, only with me ranting and raving and spitting blood because the phone not arrive, and I didn’t even get a note from Fed Ex explaining that an attempt to deliver it had been made.

I was then told it would be delivered by Friday morning, and I vowed that if it didn’t come by noon, I would refuse it!

I then called Verizon to detail the odyssey of Susie’s birthday cellphone. The people there noted the complaint and told me that if I refused the phone, there would be no charge.

On top of that, they apologized.

But Friday came and went, and so did the many, many calls to Fed Ex!

Can you imagine my conversations with customer service reps, especially when I said I am going to give you the biggest insult you could ever receive?

“I am a retired letter carrier and after 30 ears of delivering mail, I gotta tell you, everybody thinks the Postal Service was bad, but Fed Ex is the worst — ever!”

With this stunning revelation, Fed EX promised to deliver it by Monday July 11.

On July 11 delivery was attempted at 10:24 and for the first time ever, we got a “delivery attempted” notice — but nothing was delivered, even though my wife and I were home until 5 pm!

We left for Susie’s birthday party with a picture of the phone that was never delivered. So instead of bringing a present, I brought an IOU!

I’ve alerted building personnel to be on the alert for the very elusive Fed Ex delivery man.

Of course, this reminds me of the Scarlet Pimpernel poem, and I will modify it for you. “We seek him here, we seek him there, we frustrated customers seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven, he belongs in hell, that non-delivering Fed Ex delivery man … who never rings your bell!”

So thank you, Fed Ex for putting a big, big, big, big, big, big, big damper on an otherwise wonderful celebration.

Now the point in the column where I point out that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade by thanking the people who helped make the day grand.

Anthony and Donna, thank you for throwing a great 91st birthday party for your Aunt Sue. As usual, your party was exceptional.

Perhaps you can whip another party up Fed Ex finally delivers my present.

If we’re lucky, that will be before she turns 100!

Screech at you next week!

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Reader Feedback

Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Hope that onion on your belt didn't get in the way too much.
July 24, 2011, 4:01 pm
very sick person from very sick says:
Am sure FedEx will be fine not having you as a headache customer.
July 24, 2011, 5:07 pm
deborah says:
Loved it. We never get what is being shipped to us if
it isn't delivered by UPS!
July 25, 2011, 9:21 am
TomKatV1 from Park Slope says:
I'm one of those people who love FedEx, having experienced pretty good service over the years. But when they screw up they go into a denial/excuse mode that most service companies go into when they do screw up. It's like they grow a protective shell and it only disappears when they've found your lost package and delivered it or you've just given up trying. I hope you get the phone and if not, next time give UPS a chance to screw up.
July 27, 2011, 3:16 pm
DRIVER says:
Prove your case and provide a tracking number so we can all see if your rant is true. There is always three sides to a story yours theres and the truth...Man up and provide facts...AND YES I AM A RETIRED FEDEX WORKER WHO TAKES PRIDE OF HIS COMPANY. BY THE WAY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PENSION WHEN THE POST OFFICE GOES UNDER....ANY COMPANY RUN LIKE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF BUSINESS 30 YEARS AGO....LONG LINES...
July 29, 2011, 8:45 am
Georgia/Florida from Ft Lauderdale says:
Way to go "DRIVER" You hit it right on!!!!! FedEx has never given our business any problems and we've used them for over 25 years.
July 29, 2011, 2:36 pm
Sbarky from Hicksville says:
I rented a building to Fed Ex several years ago..and many times I watched them "lose" packages on the long conveyor belt system they had ..which transferred packages from incoming long distance trucks to their small local delivery vans ..those "lost" packages sat for days at top of conveyor belt system ..until sumone walked up to inspect..theres another reason why they can;t find your package for delivery..Ineptitute at its best.
Aug. 1, 2011, 5:50 pm
Turkley from Fort Greene says:
FedEx service in Brooklyn is awful and always has been. They used to just dump our packages in front of the garden apartment, one floor below us, sitting outside, no notification or anything. Days would go by and we would assume our packages would be missing, until (when we were lucky) our neighbors would find them and tell us.

We complained and now they leave the packages on our doorstep, ring our doorbell, and leave without handing them over. Works fine if we're home, but otherwise that package is just sitting out there. This is why I always try to use USPS, UPS, or DHL. UPS in particular is always good.
Nov. 5, 2011, 2:35 pm
Thom from manhattan says:
I personally mailed all the execs
at FedEx after they wasted two whole days of my time and insisted they fire whoever was responsible. They had me waiting two 13 hour windows and the driver never showed and I had proof. Futhermore I warned them that if they pulled that again I would promote a tweet to 100,000 people describing my expierence. Now I get my packages. FedEx only understands the bottom line.

http://consumerist.com/2008/03/04/email-addresses-for-a-fedex-eecb/
Oct. 16, 2013, 7:06 am
Joe from Marion says:
I'll say "way to go 'DRIVER'" as well, except I will follow that up by saying, You just confirmed the point of "TomKatV1 from Park Slope" that you all go into denial/excuse mode when your called out on a mistake! So not only can FedEx NOT take responsibility, they can't even complete a job from the get-go! Amazing that UPS can "always" complete my deliveries yet FedEx "never" can! Carmine, this has been exact experience when I have had to deal with FedEx & today they just decided to deliver my package to a completely different address. But of course they don't know where that is or when I can expect to get it back. I despise FedEx!
Feb. 10, 2:26 pm
N. Abboud from Sunnyside says:
After 4 very disturbing experiences, I cancel every purchase that is going to be delivered by Fedex. The problem with them is not only the staff are liars... i.e. they say we did not find you home when you have been waiting for delivery all day,but also that the delivery office staff are rude and aggressive. In one incident I had to go back home twice to bring in evidence that I am who I am. I would not recommend Fedex to my enemy. It is repulsive.
May 23, 5:37 pm
eloy fernandez from miami dade says:
fedex sucks !!! lost 2 business , large one, offshore as fedex lost ORIGINAL AUDITED documents and 2 weeks later NOBODY excuse/explain/call/investigate the issue ... careless, liars , gross, idiotics ... what a shame to the US and the US people is this company .... i liked a lot and admired a lot, but now anymore/ Now i prefer the humble USPS that at least is cheaper and employees try their best ... my sympathy to the USPS system .... embrace them, fedex are just thieves ...
Aug. 27, 6:25 am

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