Carmine Santa Maria puts the Santa in Santa Maria.

Carmine’s warning: Don’t chew dare!

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than the North Pole elves when they learned Santa wasn’t paying overtime this year over the fact that some people don’t get what they deserve, and others just get shafted.

Look, you all know that I work for Assemblyman Bill Colton and I sit right by the door at the office with my hand on the phone just waiting for it to ring and the other on the buzzer to let people in so they can complain to me about the things the government does that irks them. And this week I get a real doozy: the case of the woman who got a ticket for biting her nails while driving.

I know, I know, it sounds insane, but I don’t have to tell you that dumb things like this happen all the time. Let me break this latest catastrophe down for you.

Sandra came into the office screaming to me that she was whacked with a hefty $200 ticket because she was seen by a police officer as she chewed on her fingers while driving down one of Neil Diamond’s Brooklyn roads.

So I says to her “How the heck could that happen? I don’t think there’s a law against that. And if there is, it is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Even worse than that aforementioned Neil Diamond song.

So then she broke it down even further.

She told me that she was happily driving along when she got pulled over, but had no idea why.

The over-zealous police officer, who was probably trying to get her quota of tickets for the week, told her that she saw her driving while using her cellphone.

So Sandra says “But my cellphone is in my pocket. Here. Look at the phone log and you’ll see I wasn’t using it.”

But the officer would have none of it, telling poor Sandra — get this — to stop wasting her time and that she would have let her off if she just said it was an emergency!”

So Sandra was dumbfounded, and tried to think back to what might have resulted in the officer mistakenly thinking she was using her phone.

That’s where the nail biting comes in.

Apparently, Sandra was chewing on her nails right before all this happens, and she thinks the officer saw her doing that, and mistaked it for her using her phone.

Now, I don’t have to tell you that biting your nails and ripping apart your cuticles isn’t the best thing to do when you’re driving in your car, and it can be heck on your fingers and even make them bleed.

But that doesn’t mean you should get a ticket for it!

So Sandra wrote a well-written, concise letter stating her case. It went a little something like this (in case any of youse have the same problem and need to fight the ticket).

“I have enclosed a not guilty response to this ticket enclosing my cell phone detail records from that day as proof. The ticket time was 4 pm and you’ll see that I used my phone last at 3:38 pm for two minutes and later used my phone at 4:48 pm for another two minutes. I would never put my cell phone to my ear because my car is equipped with a bluetooth which I would use when an incoming or outgoing call would be placed. The officer mistakenly thought I had my cell phone in my right ear, but in reality my right hand was to my mouth biting the sides of my finger nails.”

As far as the ol’Screecher is concerned, this case is closed!

Sandra also added some kind words about the good jobs the officers do in keeping everyone safe.

But I don’t think she has to go through all this to prove she is not guilty! Someone should check out that over-zealous cop’s motives and see if she is devoid of a conscience!

And they keep saying, there’s no such thing as ticket quotas!

Screech at you next week!

Carmine Santa Maria's contract with The Brooklyn Paper is ironclad, was approved by a former editor, and is in effect until he turns 100. So continue to enjoy his column each Sunday on Brooklyn E-mail him at!

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Reader Feedback

Jim from Cobble Hill says:

You know the drill people:

1) This = stupid in an "old man yells at cloud" sort of way.

2) Comment about being not only poorly written but completely irrelevant to anything.

3) Follow by Carmine sock-puppet homophobic/racist comment with same username as this comment. Something about me being a Bengali Lesbian Midget with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
Dec. 9, 2012, 10:22 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
How dare you criticize a real native-born Brooklynite, Jim "from" Cobble Hill? Carmy was rolling through the streets of Bensonhurst wearing a cape when you were still sucking down your mommys rice krispee treats and Sunny D in Weasel Taint, Wisconsin. Go complain about not having enough bike lanes to NOT ride your fixie in or the fact the city doesn't subsidize organic artisan kickball games, and leave the real problems to the real men.
Dec. 9, 2012, 12:47 pm
K. from ArKady says:
Swampie, you have some hard evidence that this Carmine thing exists as a real person and not just a sock puppet animated by the lowest rung on Gershe's intern/slave ladder? Coz dollars to donuts, the wizard behinf the curtain of your real brooklynite is precisely that fixie riding, free range, artisinal hipster.
Dec. 9, 2012, 1:50 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
Dec. 9, 2012, 2:09 pm
ty from pps says:
K - For what it's worth, Gersh is no longer part of this sad excuse for a paper.
Dec. 9, 2012, 3:28 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
Ah, ty, ty, ty, here you are again, opening your slack-jawed transplant mouth. Why don't you just go back to Dogfelcher Falls and jerking off cows? It's better than staying here with the scary brown people, who keep mugging you for your iPhone #whogivesash*t and forcing you to beg your daddy to buy you another one, isn't it? Admittedly there won't be anyone to show off your LOOK AT MEEEE! ART ART ART ART ART, but lets face it, you are devoid of any talent or worth as a human being. Sooner or later somebody's just going to get sick of seeing you clogging up our streets and knock you off your fixie and crush your skull under their tires. Why not get out now?
Dec. 9, 2012, 6:31 pm
Transplant from Here to Stay says:
Holy crap. I thought this was a weekly parody. I could not believe someone this cliched and stupid existed. It's like when you go to the Brooklyn Flea and see the textbook hipsters. You ask yourself if they even realize how much of a walking cliche they are. These are the people that give ammo to turd burglars like Swamp Yankee. Just like Carmine makes you think that every native is an uncultured slob. Wow, the BK paper is like a minstrel show.
Dec. 9, 2012, 6:39 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
I guess your estrogenized beta male hipster brain couldn't wrap itself around the concept of a real man like Carmy existing, Transplant. Thought you spaghetti-limbed fixie-riding rent-raisers gentrified all the natives out of your "nabes," huh. Just because you funemployed, trust-funded, nasally voiced, kickball playing, wool hat and scarf in the summer wearing beardos all look exactly the same doesn't mean your the only people in this borough.
Dec. 9, 2012, 7:34 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
This is why we can't have nice things.
Dec. 9, 2012, 8:39 pm
ty from pps says:
Dec. 9, 2012, 11:28 pm
Transplant from Here to stay says:
Yawn... Swampy, you're posts are basically a mad libs with the typical Die Hipster boilerplate. You guys really are one big circle jerk. Does Carmy stay on the Tornado when you service him, or do you use an engine lift to hoist him off?
Dec. 9, 2012, 11:56 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
HAHAHAHAHA that's rich, a dime a dozen trustfunded beardo soy boy barista and urban cupcakeologist in a fedora and skinny jeans telling me I'm boilerplate. Hey Transplant, wake up, you look and sound exactly like every other smug trustafarian whos destroyed our once great borough with your $15 lattes and $25 meatballs. Oh yeah, by the way, that unpaid internship with the assistant to the production assistant isn't going anywhere.
Dec. 10, 2012, 12:58 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
I wanna know why SwampYankee thinks I'm a transplant.
Dec. 10, 2012, 9:41 am
Transplant from Here to stay says:

"Gentrification... beards... fixies... cupcakes... ART... Rabble Rabble." - Swampy

Plus, staying up all night to check in on his trolling. Sad.
Dec. 10, 2012, 10:18 am
yoo-suk dong from sunset park says:
Carmine is real. But that doesn't mean this sorry excuse for a column is his. Check out his older work and note the difference .
Dec. 10, 2012, 10:32 am
yoo-suk dong from sunset park says:
Carmine is real. But that doesn't mean this sorry excuse for a column is his. Check out his older work and note the difference .
Dec. 10, 2012, 10:32 am
Joey B says:
I cannot belive how blessed I am with musical talent!!! Why me Lord!!?
Dec. 10, 2012, 1:59 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
I commented on the abortion of a column that was "Smartmon" and this is a thousand times worse.
Dec. 10, 2012, 4:51 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
HAHAHAHAHA look at the butthurt beardo Transplant. Your thick framed glasses are all misty now that I've called you out for what you are, a pathetic twizzler-limbed tryhard, just like title wave of other little "artists"--whose "art" looks like a pile of dog turds at best--thats crashed in Brooklyn Time to put your scarf on and pack it up and move back to Cowhumper Falls Wiscossota, little Caleb. I'll be laughing at you all the way to the airport, since everybody knows what you are.
Dec. 10, 2012, 11:10 pm
common sense from bay ridge says:
The irony of swamp yankee calling someone else butthurt is too rich for even the most stereotypical hipster in his ironic John Deere hat to ever conjure up.
Dec. 11, 2012, 2:28 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
HAHAHAHAHA "common sense" "from" "Bay Ridge" (more like Ethan Von Nasalworth from BushPointBurg by way of suburban Badgerf*cker, Idaho), calling me butthurt. How's your lead-based toxic industrial rooftop farm coming? About as well as your pubic beard or start-up ART ART ART gallery I bet, meaning its all over when Daddy's credit card runs out.
Dec. 11, 2012, 9:22 pm
common sense from bay ridge says:
Keep setting up them straw men and knocking them out of the park. Not everyone that laughs at you is a hipster, swampie.

Butthurt is quite an understatement when describing you.
Dec. 11, 2012, 10:12 pm

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