Carmine Santa Maria’s Sunday Screech

Believe it! Carmine visits Santa!

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Gummy Joe when the plant considered cancelling the dental plan over that fact that as we get older, a lot of things fall out — especially our teeth!

Look, you all know that I’m well into my quote, golden years, close quote, and you also know that for many of us seniors, the golden years aren’t so golden.

I had to have a bridge put in about 20 years ago to solve a problem in my mouth caused by years and years of quality chewing. Apparently, my choppers where worn down like an old beaver’s, and the dentist determined it was time to replace them with some new ones so I could continue to eat, which is kind of the only thing I do.

Well, 20 years have passed and the quote, new, close quote choppers are just as worn down as those old real teeth were. So the other day, when I was happily snacking on some potato chips, the bridge came apart like old Galloping Girdie herself.

And you better believe that there wasn’t a lifelong guarantee on my bridge!

So, for two months now, I’ve been gumming my way through breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and lots and lots of in-between snacks.

And I’ll tell you this: when you’re use to have a mouth full of false teeth, it’s difficult to talk. In fact, you sound pretty strange. So I did what I knew would be best: I went to Santa Clause and told him that all I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth!

Loyal readers of this column (that’s right, they’re out there!) know that I’ve played St. Nick for years for the kids in School District 21. The kids labeled me as “The Real Santa,” so I know the power of Santa.

My lovely wife Sharon and I headed over to the Staten Island Mall to visit Santa so I could tell him what I needed, and get a picture with him, me, and my trusty steed, Tornado.

Well the magic of Santa worked and I received my teeth on Friday, a week later. So if you want your kids to see this great Santa, just go outside J.C. Pennies over there and have a photo taken like I did. Santa will be there until Christmas Eve.

I gotta thank World Wide Photography’s manager Sandy and assistant manager, Christina for all their help and, thanks again to Santa for my new choppers. They’ll be well used.

This is a Christmas column, so let me tell you about one of Santa’s unheralded helpers, Marine Vet Patrick Jabbour, whom Assemblyman Bill Colton recently cited last week with club president Mark Treyger at the United Progressive Democratic Club. This huge-hearted Marine is a club member and has been involved in Toys For Tots, and other Veteran matters, for 10 years. He helps children at the hospital by bringing them toys and games, and then goes to nursing homes where he makes the elderly and sick feel alive again. He and fellow members makes them feel they are not forgotten at all.

On Dec. 7, Patrick and the Marine League went to the 69th St. Pier to perform a Pearl Harbor Memorial Service. This is typical of Patrick, who devotes a lot of his time to show that someone does care when everyone forgets about the kids, the sick, and the seniors.

We should have more people like him, people who care!

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, and hope this holiday season allows everyone of every faith and creed to enjoy peace and brotherhood.

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine every Sunday on E-mail him at!

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Reader Feedback

common sense from bay ridge says:
I would like to thank swampyankee for a great
year of unintentional comedy. Keep setting up and knocking those hipster straw men out of the park next
Dec. 23, 2012, 1:49 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
HAHAHAHA enjoying those rice krispee treats and Sunny D your mommy made back in your Wisconsotowa mcmansion, little Caleb Commonsense? Telling your neighbors in the culdesac about how cool your 'nabe' is in Brooklyn, and how you do nothing all day but sip $18 lattes and go to ART ART ART ART ART galleries in Bushpointburg and shuttle yourself back and forth endlessly on the L train screaming LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!!!! All on your daddy's dime, even though your 34. No need to work, on your all expense paid Brooklyn play cation. Just polish your monocle and ride your fixie on the sidewalk while real adults are working. You want people back in Dogfelcher Falls to believe your a real Brooklynite now.
Forget it. You'll never be anything but a pathetic tryhard, jealous of people like me and Carmy and our 8-inch real Brooklyn schlongs.
Dec. 23, 2012, 2:36 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
News flash: "Old man has teeth problems and by the way something happened 16 days ago"
Dec. 23, 2012, 6:07 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
News flash: "Old man has teeth problems and by the way something happened 16 days ago"
Dec. 23, 2012, 6:07 am
ty from pps says:
Wow. Swampy does not disappoint. So, you have an 8-inch penis? And Carmine does too?
Dec. 23, 2012, 10:29 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Remember, he's got a 12th generation hummer-driving 8 inch "schlong" so that makes him totally important.
Dec. 23, 2012, 11:53 am
Applebees from B says:
It's curious to finally see what swampy considers a positive trait in people.
Dec. 23, 2012, 5:03 pm
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
HAHAHAHA once again you two have proved what laughable midwestern beta male beardo transplants you are. All native born Brooklyn men and women know that real Brooklynites are born with monsters. Its why real Brooklynites never ride bicycles.
I feel bad for all your pudgy Zoes and Mollys and your deprived mommies married to your vapid daddies who will never know the pure pleasure of having a genuine Brooklyn soppressata crammed into their orifices. Why do you think they call him Carmy the Magnificent?
Dec. 23, 2012, 6:48 pm

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