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The only thing that should be open on the holidays is Carmine’s mouth!

The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than a kid whose parents sends him to school on a snow day even after 1010 WINS says the schools are closed over the fact that more and more stores are opening up on Thanksgiving and just about every other catholic holiday when peoples should be sitting at home enjoying their families!

Look, you all know ol’Screecher is always looking for ways to save money — and I’ve told you dozens of times before that I have the shortest arms and deepest pockets on this side of the Gowanus Canal — but that doesn’t mean I’m going to skip dessert, hop on Tornado, and head over to Best Buy just so I can get a great deal on a replacement for the 27-inch Zenith in the living room.

In fact, I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those Black Friday rushes either, because I’m too busy digesting the feast — and savoring the memories I made the day before just by sitting around shooting the breeze — and eating — with my favorite people in the world — my family.

And in case you think I missed it, I am aware that I just used four em-dashes in one sentence — which is probably a world record — but who’s counting!

But all this holiday hubbub got me thanking my lord and savior for places like PC Richard’s, which refuses to open up on the holidays. I was listening to the transistor attached to Tornado’s handlebars the other day and heard the commercial where they said they refused to open on Thanksgiving, bucking the trend that is sucking in all the other stores that are looking to make a fast buck.

I bet old A.J. Richard would turn over in his grave if he found out that the his workers were going to miss their just desserts just so they could make some extra coin on a day when they should be drinking coffee and watching football! I think that the reason PC decided to keep the shutters down on Turkey Day was out of fear of repercussions from beyond the grave! Or, they just might have had the sense to stay closed because they know that a happy employee is a good employee, and a happy employee is usually one filled with pumpkin pie — not one craving it!

Folks, I’ll tell you this — if the day ever comes that the tubes in my beloved Zenith stop glowing, the only place I’m going to even consider when seeking out a replacement is PC Richard’s, because it seems to be the only store with any sense!

The same goes for my Telephone-Company-issued communication device hanging on the wall in the kitchen, and the big white AM radio sitting on the counter next to the sink!

The next thing you know, these places will be opened on Christmas just in case Santa forgets to get some spoiled kid his Z-Box, forcing mom and dad to skip the eggnog and head out to the store to get one! You call that Christmas spirit? Humbug!

All this talk of stores being opened on Christmas has got me so pig-biting mad, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll write a column about it!

Now’s the point in the column where I fail to signal and make a left, and give you one of my pro-tips on how to handle life’s problems by taking the bull by the horns.

How many times has this happened to you: you want to take nap, but the phone keeps ringing of the hook, disturbing your piece? None? Well, if you’re like me it happens more times than you can count. But after years of letting this bother me, I’ve finally figured out a way to make it stop and catch some Zs.

In the old days, I’d take the phone off the hook and put it in the bread box. But after a few minutes, the dial tone would turn into that annoying buzzing sound that could wake the neighbors! And that sound was worst than the ringing!

So now, I put the phone’s headset in a heavy-duty oven mitt, then put it in the bread box!

This genius trick will get you hours of uninterrupted nap time.

Hope you enjoy it!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-mail him at diegovega@aol.com.
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Reader Feedback

Ed from Bay Ridge says:
ok, I repeat myself -- but does anyone read past graf 0.5 of this thing?

Do R. Murdoch's pubs even notice what they run between the ads?

I'm starting to think that the BP and co-owned brooklyndaily.com are just goofing to kill time-space.
Dec. 1, 2013, 4:26 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
More idiotic drivel from a moron who can't figure out that you can unplug the phone receiver after you take it off the hook so it doesn't make any noise.
Dec. 1, 2013, 6:44 pm
Pat D from Bay Ridge says:
If anyone has a clue just dial your number and leave the phone off the receiver. It will beep for a very short time and then be silent. HELLO!!!
Dec. 1, 2013, 9:48 pm
o3 from bk says:
'scuse me while i gouge my eyes out
Dec. 2, 2013, 8:45 am

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