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The Screecher breaks out his joke book

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I’m madder than a tree-legged dog in a potato sack race over the fact that the lot of you don’t understand that the ol’Screecher isn’t just about hootin’ and hollerin’ about the problems in this world and that the fact is I actually have an excellent sense of humor even if none of you don’t get my jokes.

Look, you all know that just because you don’t understand my humor doesn’t mean that I’m not funny. In fact, I keep my lovely wife Sharon, who happens to be a blond, in stitches day after day with gems like this one here I heard on the interweb thanks to my pals Ed and Theresa:

On a bitterly cold winter morning, a husband and his blond wife were listening to the radio during breakfast when they hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” So the good wife got the car and park it where the announcer said.

A week later while they were once again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.”

The good wife got the car and moved it again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…” Then the power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?”

Then, with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”

Now that’s a knee-slapper anyone could understand.

But maybe not some people. Apparently, there is a group out there that don’t understand most medical terms, but they use this to their benefit by living stress-free lives. Apparently, they are called “Rednecks.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds vaguely inappropriate and mostly politically incorrect, so I choose to run it and hope it makes you bust a gut.

So, without further adieu, here’s a list of “redneck medical definitions” I found in the iCloud.

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

Barium: What doctor do when patients die

Benign: What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker than some one else

Fibula: A small lie

Impotent: Distinguished well known

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrates: Rates of pay for working late. Normally more pay than working days

Node: I knew it

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place to do upholstery

Rectum: Nearly killed him

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman Emperor

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: One plus one more

Urine: Opposite of “You’re out”

I hope you enjoyed these, like I did, but you gotta read each one to chuckle.

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-mail him at diegovega@aol.com.
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Reasonable discourse

Bengee from Coney says:
Your as funny as a submarine with screen doors.
Jan. 12, 2014, 6:44 pm
John Wasserman from Prospect Heights says:
I hate to be the one to ask this, but:
What is the difference between "unlawful" and illegal"?
Jan. 13, 2014, 12:10 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Just because people don’t understand your humor is exactly the reason you're not funny. Humor is one of the few things out there where validation comes from approval ad populum. Seriously, it can't simply be funny because you say so. You can say you're the Queen of Spain, and that has about as much validity as you saying you're funny.
Jan. 13, 2014, 8:44 pm

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