I ain’t Fonda Jane, but I love my pasta!

I’m madder than a tourist who paid $50 for a first-class ticket on the Staten Island Ferry over the way Americans are so willing to pick up the tab every time “Hanoi” Jane Fonda wants to get liposuction!

Look, you all know that the Screecher is a slave to routine, and every morning when I’m on my computer browsing the Interweb with my trusty ol’ Natscape Navigator, I keep one eye on Channel 7 so I can see Live with Regis and Kelly. (Boy, I miss Reege so much, I refuse to take his name off the show! That’s right! I control the language in this column, not some big whig at ABC!). After that, I check out the “Garlic Queen” Rachel Ray and, of course, I enjoy watching The View, because it features so many celebrities.

But you could just imagine how appalled I was when I saw that 75-plus-year-old Jane Fonda is back again, this time promoting the new fitness DVD for geezers. Now, it should be no secret to you that I hate Jane Fonda with as much passion as I love pasta. But now that I’ve got a whole new generation of readers dialing me up on the Netscape, let me fill you all in on why: because I think she committed some of the most deplorable, traitorous acts in support of the North Vietnamese back in the day. Don’t believe me? It’s been documented on Snopes.com! Just type in Jane Fonda!

And I don’t have to point out that presidential candidate John McCain suffered under her treachery, as did many other GIs that were brutalized because of her giving aid and comfort to the enemy. That’s what I think!

So, let me be the first to warn you that she’s back in the limelight again, and now she trying to convince seniors to stay fit — and fill her pockets.

I saw old Hanoi Jane on The View, which stars four otherwise respectable personalities like the beautiful Barbara Walters, the not-so-beautiful Whoopi Goldberg, two other people I don’t know, Sherri Shepherd and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and, unfortunately, the ultra-liberal Joy Behar (who I hate), pushing her new DVD, and — surprise, surprise — touting her youthful figure.

It just goes to show you what money can buy. And when I say money, I mean all the money people spent buying her dumb workout videos.

Look, you all know that I got the way I am — which is a tinge overweight — because of two things: not doing Jane’s workouts and a love affair with pasta! And anyone worth their salt as a Brooklynite has seen me at some of my favorite eateries at which I have been known to indulge!

Of course, it doesn’t take much to get me to the table. One of my favorite dishes is that old standby, spaghetti with tomato sauce. But not that marinara sauce ala Rachel Ray, because that’s got way too much garlic.

Of course, my lovely wife Sharon makes a terrific tomato sauce, but like many ladies, sometimes she would rather have some one else cook it.

That’s why, whenever we’re in Massapequa to visit the grand kids, Sharon and I eventually stop in for — and stock up on — spaghetti and tomato sauce at this week’s shameless plug: Phil’s Pizza on Sunrise Highway.

Sharon will always order the Chicken Capri and I order Romeo’s Salad. Now, I know what your thinking: “Carmine, I hope your getting a rabbit fricassee with that lettuce, because giving a salad to the ol’ Screecher is like giving one peanut to an elephant.”

Well, don’t you worry your silly little head, because the portions at Phil’s are, for lack of a better word, Philling! And — you guessed it — I’ll eat a portion of that salad for lunch tomorrow.

Now, enough about Strong Island, because, every once and a while, we get home early enough to order out from a fine place right here on Bath Avenue. That’s right! We head over to (look out! Here comes another shameless plug!) Mamma Mia.

The veal cutlet parmigiana with spaghetti is for me, cause I go high-end, and Sharon has the chicken cutlet parmigiana, with more spaghetti (sans garlic) in sauce and veal and peppers with salad.

So I’ll tell you this: I’ll continue to buy my favorite foods and scoot around town on Tornado, but there’s no way in heck that I’m buying Fonda’s DVD. In fact, I’ll never buy anything she promotes. And I’m demanding all my readers not support this un-American celebrity! And shame on all of you that help pay for her constant make-overs!

Screech at you next week!

Carmine Santa Maria has scene “On Golden Pond” 47 times, but only because it has Henry Fonda in it. His column appears every Sunday on Brooklynpaper.com. E-mail him at [email protected].

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