Stan takes on the Santa clause

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Christmas is long past, and it is hard to believe but there are still noisemakers that love to call radio shows to continue the argument about the color of Santa Claus.

Today’s broadcast was not a replay of a month old show. Pinky swear. The jolly fat man in the red suit is an imaginary character. He is a fig-newton of billions of people’s imaginations and could be any color they want him to be. If this continues, by next December there will be arguments about the length of his beard, the realty of flying reindeer, and the color of Frosty the Snowman. No! No! No! He’s a snowman, so Frosty, by definition, is white. According to my Second College Edition of the American Heritage Dictionary snow is the solid precipitation in the form of white ice crystals. Yada, yada, yada. Please don’t mess with my Frosty.

• • •

Either for medical reasons or because of the extra calories, more of us have been laying off the sugar. Of the many substitute sweeteners on the market, the most popular are Splenda (in the yellow envelope and made from sucralose), Equal (in the blue envelope and containing aspartame), and the good old reliable pink envelope of Sweet N’ Low (which contains saccharin).

Saccharin has been around for as long as I can remember. My son, Daryl, is convinced that it is only a matter of time before one of these will be considered unsafe because its long term use will cause something we do not want. So, instead of sticking to one, he bought a box of each and uses one on Monday, another on Tuesday, and the third on Wednesday. He starts all over on Thursday and repeats the cycle. This way he feels that whichever brand leads to a problem he’s only been using one-third of that sweetener reducing the odds by two-thirds. Yes. I do have smart children.

• • •

Fact: in the first 24 hours of the Chris Christie massive traffic jam scandal, there was 17 times more media coverage than there was in the last six months of President Obama’s Internal Revenue Service controversy. Tell me again that there is no double-standard in the media.

Let me make it clear that I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fan of the Garden State governor. He may still be liked by the voters of New Jersey, but he doesn’t play well with my friends in Kansas and Nebraska.

The left is busy telling us that we are not supposed to believe Christie when he insists that he did not know about the traffic problem but we are supposed to believe Obama when he tells us he didn’t know about whatever one of them is a proven liar. Why should I believe anything he says?

• • •

The ads are asking. “Are you ready for Hillary?” I am with a message for her. Dear Mrs. Clinton: if you run, I will vote for you if you promise to bring back the dishes.

Read Stan Gershbein's column every Monday on
Updated 11:48 am, January 16, 2019
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