I’m madder than a school of fish in a California reservoir over the fact that my favorite police commissioner has gone behind our backs and done something that I never thought he would do: steal water!
Look, you all know that I keep the television tuned to channel 2 at all times because I can’t risk missing the next episode of “Blue Bloods” with my favorite top cop, Tom Selleck, and my new best friend Donnie Whalburger! But that doesn’t mean that I’m going to give Commissioner Frank Reagan a pass — or not break the blue wall of silence — simply because he is who he is.
Folks, if in a court of law Commissioner Selleck is in fact found guilty of stealing water so he can clean his mustache in the bathtub, then I say lock him up and throw away the key! Apparently, his residuals from “Hawaii P.I.” or “Magnum Five-O” and his current series wasn’t enough to whet his police whistle and in a moment of weakness he totally destroyed his super moralistic image.
Now you may be thinking that I have it in for the Commish because he puts down his fat public relations person.
And you’re 110-percent right! Because as president and founder of P.P.P.P. (Perfectly Proud Plump People) we will strive to get Commissioner Selleck to retire and have his son Donnie assume his rightful post as heir to the police commissionership, evidenced by his hard-nosed, no-nonsense work week after week. And Not for Nothin’ (Joanna do you mind my borrowing your catchphrase?), I think the assistant district attorney Erin Reagan is hot! Boy, talk about nepotism in that family!
Without question, Donnie is perfect for the job! He told me so when I met him outside his new Wahlburger restaurant in Coney Island a couple of weeks back! Hey Donnie, I’m still wating for my free Wahlburger!
And how about that time I saw Bill Cosby in the airport in Rome? Remember that? Everyone of us was asking for an autograph from the star of “I Spy” and he wouldn’t give any of us the time of day. So you will be happy to hear that I am extremely happy to hear about the problems he is facing in the news media these days. My prayers have finally been answered!
And thank heaven for little girls, especially when they bring home the World’s Champion Polo Crown. They deserved all the accolades possible and that Brooklyn-made confetti is really trillions of kisses from us to them.
When is that ticker-tape parade?
Screech at you next week!
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