It’s late December. The first day of winter is days away, Christmas is one week away, and people are humming Christmas songs with a great big smile and a wish for a very “Happy Holidays” to those of you that find it difficult to hear the word “Christmas.” The 2015 poll numbers are not in yet, but 51 percent of New Yorkers in 2014 preferred wishing and being wished a “Merry Christmas,” according to the Sienna Research Institute. And 38 percent stick with “Happy Holidays.”
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Here are the results of another poll that you might find interesting. I love kids and I was thinking about volunteering playing Santa Claus in a red suit, funny hat, white beard, and pillow — okay, no pillow. I chose not to after I saw the results of a Santa survey taken some time ago. A whopping 74 percent of the 334 Santas that participated in this poll tell us that little guys cry in their laps. That would break my heart. Nine out of 10 Santas report that little ones who don’t believe they are real pull on their beards. And 60 percent are coughed and sneezed on up to 10 times a day. Here’s the convincer — 34 percent of real-bearded Santas are peed on regularly. Who’d ever think that little children could cause so much abuse?
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What are you going to do with your Christmas tree after the holidays? Most of us outside Brooklyn will be looking for the landfill that accepts and grinds the pines up for mulch. Last year, I learned that goats love to snack on them — they love the taste. Trees are a natural de-wormer for goats and the pine needles contain Vitamin C. Okay, so now we must learn how many of our neighbors have goats. We who are Jewish don’t even have a tree!
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How much would it cost today for all the gifts in the carol the “Twelve Days of Christmas”? The annual analysis by PNC Financial Services Group informs us that the 364 items — the total if you purchase them every time they are mentioned in the song — would set the giver back more than $120,000. There are ways of bringing down the cost. For example, instead of maids a-milking, hop on over to Costco and buy milk by the gallon — already processed and pasteurized. French hens? Drive to Kentucky Fried Chicken and pick up a bucket of the colonel’s secret recipe. Okay my dear readers, use your imaginations — what would you substitute to save a few bucks?
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The following is a letter I wrote to Dear Abby several years ago. It was printed in hundreds of newspapers all over the planet, and I found it on the Internet this morning:
“Dear Abby, I read the item you printed saying that if the three wise men had been women, they would have asked for directions, arrived on time, cleaned the stable, helped deliver the baby, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. What B.S.! They would have gone to the beauty salon for a wash, set, and manicure and then gone home to pick out a proper outfit. Then they would have changed the outfit five times, called everybody they knew to yak about the trip, and arrived late. Very late.” — Stan Gershbein
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Ogden Nash was an American poet known for his humorous short poems and phrases. About 60 years ago, he peeked into the future and wrote “Merry Christmas, nearly everybody.”
I try to make everyone happy. I am StanG
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