The Daily News wasted page 3 on ‘Sex and the City,’ and Carmine can’t take it

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Mister Magoo trying to read a newspaper with teeny-tiny typeface over the fact that our daily newspapers are going to the dogs.

And what makes me even madder is the fact that other newspapers that produce useless dribble get a free pass.

Well, no more.

Look, you all know that the Daily News is New York’s Picture Newspaper, but that doesn’t mean it can fill page three with stuff none of us — and especially yours truly — are interested in.

Now, I know you know exactly what I talking about: that half-page spread on “Sex in the City” star Chris North — the guy who was on the “Law and Order” — eating lunch with his real-life wife (whose name I don’t recall or even care about) and his movie-wife Sarah Jessica Parker from “Square Pegs.”

First of all, I don’t know what relevance this has for anyone. Second of all, the text on the page was so small I felt like the aforementioned angry Magoo, and I had to use a magnifying glass to even see it.

It read “Chris North, Mr. Big on ‘Sex and the City,’ (right, with Sarah Jessica Parker) chows down messily on a falafel Tuesday with wife Tara Wilson in Union Square Park.”

And the headline: “He’s Mr. Big-time slob.”

Mind you, the headline took up more than half the width of the page and was a thousand times larger than the blurb itself.

Well, I guess this proves a picture is worth a thousand words, because I haven’t finished criticizing the uselessness of wasting something as important as page three in the News on such irresponsible dribble.

My old pal Gersh Kuntzman should be ashamed of himself.

Page three is a very important place in the newspaper, and should have been dedicated to all the important things that are going on in the world, including New Yorkers and New Jersey-ites rushing to the rescue of Hurricane Sandy’s victims, with businesses, clergy, schools, organizations, and restaurants volunteering time, efforts, and whatever could be donated to help these unfortunate, now-homeless victims.

That makes a heck of a lot more sense than putting the spotlight on the sour cream on Mr. Big’s lips.

I can’t speak for Chris North, but I will. I’m certain he wasn’t too happy with the obvious paparazzi-style intrusion. He looked more like a gangster than the handsome star he is, and his expression clearly stated “get outta here!” Perhaps the choice to hand in this photo was the cameraman’s revenge?

Even my lovely wife Sharon couldn’t believe it when I showed it to her over coffee and bagels that morning. She met Chris North when he was filming down on Chambers Street back when she was working, and she said the photo definitely didn’t do him justice. I mean, you could barely see his striking blue eyes.

I was so angry, I showed that page-three spread to everyone I rode into that day to see what they thought. The dozens of people I talked to all agreed: it was a waste of ink and paper.

Shame, shame, shame, on the Daily News!

Now’s the point in the column where I make an awkward segue to another point.

Speaking of shame, how about this here FEMA.

Well, I don’t think it’s doing enough and the guys that run it should take notice: that big “e” in your name stands for “emergency,” and not “elongated,” which is what this recovery is taking.

Now, somewhat related to this story because Chris North also stars in the “Good Wife” — the hit TV series that I watch on Channel 2 on the old Zenith in the living room. It amazes me that this excellent show keeps it’s fans, because it constantly gets preempted thanks to a football game or another episode of the “Amazing Race.”

And this madness doesn’t stop with Channel 2 — even Channel 7 has the audacity to preempt the lottery mega drawing for football! OK, so if you’re a football or “Amazing Race” fan, you might say, “what’s the big deal?” Well, to those fans I say, “Hello, and welcome to the 21st century, where you tape shows for viewing whenever! It’s called a VCR, use it!”

When Eyewitness News delayed the Lotto drawing that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I think that the state Lotto should consider moving to a more reliable channel!

Screech at you next week!

Carmine can't wait to write next week's column, which appears every Sunday on E-Mail him at
Updated 5:37 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

Dave from Park Slope says:
Is this column supposed to be ironic? Talk about wasting space in a newspaper. And it's "Noth," not "North." Jesus.
Dec. 16, 2012, 7:53 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
Attention to all you Mr Salty-physiqued thick-framed glasses wearing gentrifying naselly Midwestern transplant trustafarian tryhards who would dare attack a real Brooklynite like Carmy the Magnificent: the ol' Swampster is here ready to lay some old-fashioned butthurt on you beardos. So all of you reading this on your parentally bought organic iPhones and Mcbooks better just go back to your pathetic ART ART ART ART ART and artisanal beta male kickball games.
Dec. 16, 2012, 9:19 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Wow, a paid shill for the New York Post attacks another paper... And like a paid shill for the New York Post, he get's plenty of facts wrong... like the GUY'S OWN NAME! As a native Brooklynite born and raised here my entire life (take that swampyankee), I watched a lot of Law & Order and I can't believe someone who gets paid to write articles about bullcrap, would get the guy's name wrong many times! It's Noth, not North!

Guys like this aren't really "from" Brooklyn anymore. They're remnants of the grand-fathered in driveway, drive-everywhere, borderline racist tank-top knuckle dragging crowd that should have decamped to Long Island or New Jersey years ago with the rest of them.
Dec. 16, 2012, 9:42 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
Jim, you're about as native as an Iowan cornfield. If you were a real Brooklynite you would love the Post and love Carmine. So run along, and put on your six foot long scarf and year round wool cap and ride your fixie over to the gentrification cafe with the rest of the transplants and spend a little of Ma and Pa Kettle from Des Moines' money on a $15 fair trade organic soy milk latte. Don't forget to get a little face made in the foam by the emaciated sleeve tatted fedora wearing thick rimmed beardo for just an extra $6.
Dec. 16, 2012, 10:18 am
Vandeep from Chaterjee says:
Page 3 is the place for stuff like that. Was Carmine just jealous of Mr. North's tasty sandwich?
Dec. 16, 2012, 10:51 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Sorry Swampee, but I'm 3rd generation and proud to be descended from real Brooklynites the likes of which fought off Robert Moses (the guy is probably a hero to you car driving suburbanites like Carmine here).

Keep the cliche transplant ravings to your urban renewal condo, and I'll be raising my 4th generation Brooklynite kids my family's brownstone.
Dec. 16, 2012, 11:09 am
SwampYankee from ruined Brooklyn says:
AHAHAHAHAHA 3rd generation? Thats nothing. I can't wait till my 12th generation kids deliver a locally sourced artisanal beatdown to your delicate vegan Caleb and Ethan and Hummus.
Oh, and I live in a detached single family house with a garage. Where I keep my Hummer, which I use to bump little Joshies and Zacherys off their fixed gear unicycles.
Dec. 16, 2012, 5:30 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Well Swampee, since your family has been here since 1720 apparently, you should know that Brooklyn has never been about the detached single family with a garage with a gas guzzler. You'd do much better on Long Island where that kind of thing belongs.
Dec. 16, 2012, 6:38 pm
Blaine from Williamsburg says:
SwampYankee, you must have taken some serious beatings in middle school. You're one seriously effed-up dude.
Dec. 17, 2012, 11:12 am

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