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The rabid squirrel of Prospect Park speaks!

Squirrels: They cannot talk.
Brooklyn Paper
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Brooklyn Paper Radio

The rabid squirrel of Prospect Park took time out of his busy schedule hiding from the authorities and sat down with Gersh and Vince to give his side of the story.

And guess what, folks. He’s not rabid at all.

Granted anonymity so he won’t be captured, killed, and have his brain sliced up and examined by so-called scientists, the tiny rodent told our hosts that the foam coming from his mouth was the result of gum inflammation caused by impacted wisdom teeth and is unrelated to the disease usually associated with dogs, raccoons, and skunks.

“Look, my mother always taught me to brush twice a day and I have to admit I’ve slacked off a bit,” he told the hosts. “But the dentist said it should clear up now that those useless molars have been removed.”

The squirrel also claimed that there is no way he could get rabies because he would be the last critter any other animal would ever try sink its teeth into.

“I’m from the woods of Brooklyn and I’m old school,” he said. “They’re not going to mess with me.”

As to why he’s been acting so out of sorts of late, he blamed not taking his meds.

“I’ve got ADD, ADHD, and even HDAD, which is like the others, but much clearer,” he said.

Of course, none of that happened on the show, but you should listen anyway as Gersh’s son Ben did provide a knock-out impression of the most wanted rodent in America, reporter Colin Mixon broke down exactly how terrified the denizens of Prospect Park have become, and Gersh traveled mid-show to Crown Heights to visit the boys at Brooklyn Pizza Crew where he talked with whiskey-loving entrepreneur Nino Coniglio about his fantastic pies.

It all happened live on Brooklyn Paper Radio, so listen now.

Brooklyn Paper Radio is recorded and podcast live every Tuesday at 4:30 pm — for your convenience — from our studio in America’s Downtown and can be found, as always, right here on BrooklynPaper.com (where it is constantly streaming), on iTunes (where you can subscribe to a podcast), and of course, on Stitcher (where you can do whatever Stitcher does).

Updated 5:56 pm, July 9, 2018
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