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Here it is! Your fake holiday gift guide!

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November means December is around the corner, and December means it’s time to buy presents. Just not these.

For the kids

Anxious Barbie: This is a Barbie that prefers to stay in her Dream House. Really. Go away. Ken has taken to driving his Corvette to the bar, grousing to anyone who will listen, usually Skipper, who could tell you stories about her own disastrous marriage(s). And she will, when you buy her a Mojito and pull her string.

G.I. Tract Joe: The first action figure to come with a retractable intestine. Hours of fun!

EZ-Break Oven: Minutes of fun!

Cabbage Patch Cabbages: Adorable heads of real cabbage with tiny arms and legs. Store in a cool, dark place and they’ll last long enough that you start wondering what that weird smell is. And then when you reach in – aggghhhh! It’s a cabbage with limbs!

For him

Eau de Regret: Cologne with the scent of potato pancakes, which whisks you right back to your mother-in-law’s kitchen when you were first married and she told you to buy your apartment — a “crazy” idea because it was $42,000 for the three-bedroom on West 87th.

Eau de Further Regret: This cologne, with top notes of sage, saddle soap, and dysentery, is sure to remind you of that trip you took with your buddies to the dude ranch in Montana. The one that served all those beans.

Eau Enough Already: Is that a hint of musk? Or the entire musk shoved into a manly bottle, his little paws pressed against the glass? Whatever. It sure is musky.

Alligator Wallet: A popular item. But first you have to pickpocket the alligator.

For her

Pumpkin Spice Hairspray: The look and feel of an expensive, limited-time latte — but in your hair.

50 Shades of Hay: The naughty novel of two intensely attracted horses.

50 Shades of Neigh: The horse’s wife finds out.

Spa in a (Small) Box: Give your pinky a day of bliss. Or your little toe. But not both.

Whitman’s Sampler: Walt Whitman, that is. First stanzas of 24 assorted poems.

Channel No. 4: Yes, yes, it knows it’s not quite what you asked for. Have you ever even tried – wait, wait. Hold on. Deep breath. It’s not “cheap,” it’s a “value scent.” Some people like it even better!

“I ♥ NEW YORK” T-shirt: It’s 10 pm, Dec. 24. Do you know where your wife’s cousin’s present is? Try Ninth Avenue, near Port Authority.

The Tiffany Ring: Group of guys who planned a heist at Tiffany’s in the ’70s. Not really relevant on a gift list.

For the home

The Keurig Day 2 Coffee Re-Heater: Simply pour yesterday’s coffee into an empty plastic K-cup and carefully position it in re-heater. Place receptacle under spigot. Press “On.” Repeat six or seven times for a cup, 12 to 13 times for a mug.

(Note: By this time the first few podfuls of Keurig Day 2 may by cool. Simply pour them back into the K-cup and carefully position in re-heater. Cancel other plans for the rest of the day.)

Plush Sperm-Shaped Throw Pillows: What’s that all over the sofa?

A whole lot of sperm-shaped comfiness!

The Smart Spoon: Tired of to trying to get soup to your mouth only to have it splash and spill? The Smart Spoon scoops up soup and vacu-seals it in a tiny plastic pouch. Simply puncture the pouch once it is inside your mouth and voila – piping hot soup (and a little bit of plastic).

Best of all, no more mess! (Except for spitting out the pouch.)

The Smart Fork: Tired of trying to spear your food, only to have it fall off half-way to your teeth? The Smart Fork wraps your food in fine 8-gauge wire. Simply chew through the wire once it is inside your mouth and voila – delicious food (and little bits of wire).

For your pet

100-Percent Carrot Chew Toy: A bone-shaped carrot that will make any Fido healthier, if he chews it. Which hopefully he will. Although, none of the test dogs did. But they were probably fussier than yours.

Close Encounters Flea, Tick, and Alien Collar: Protect your pets from all the dangers out there. One-hundred percent effective against aliens. About 60 percent as good when it comes to fleas. Some ticks like the smell, ironically. But almost everyone – man, bug, and extraterrestrial – hates the siren-like alarm you can’t turn off.

Lenore Skenazy's column appears every other Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com.

Lenore Skenazy is author of “Has the World Gone Skenazy?”

Posted 2:52 pm, November 5, 2017
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