Best one-liners of all time

Carmine is funny, and this week he proves it!

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Henny Youngmen with his tongue tied during one of them Dean Martin roasts over the fact that nobody out there thinks I’m funny anymore.

Look, you all know that the fact of the matter is I am an absolute hoot (just ask my lovely wife Sharon, who married me for my sense of humor — and love of her cooking!) and I got a truckload of one-liners that my editor routinely cuts because he insists I have a “classy” column.

Well, enough with the class.

I figure the only way I can get my knee-slappers in print is if I send a column that is just loaded with them. I sees it this way: if I only write joke after joke after joke that will make up my column this week — and reach the word count — he can’t possibly cut them all! If he did, he’d have to write the column himself (and he certainly doesn’t have the time to do that!)!

So, without further ado, here’s Carmine’s top-20 joke countdown!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience!

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. It’s better not to speak and be thought an idiot than to speak up and remove all doubt.

5. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

6. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

7. War does not determine who is right — only who is left.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

10. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

11. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I write “doctor.”

12. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

11. Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of every successful man is another woman.

10. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

9. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.

8. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

7. I used to be indecisive. Now? I’m not so sure.

6. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

5. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

4. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

1. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

OK, now stop laughing and get on with your life!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine every Sunday on E-mail him at, and tell him how awesome he is below. He reads every word. Just like you do.

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Reader Feedback

ty from pps says:
hahahaha! this one won me over! your the best, carmy! no more of me posting my whiny sh*thead comments on your columns. in fact, i want to see two, maybe three big screechers a week!
carmy! carmy! carmy!
Sept. 9, 2012, 11:56 am
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
The Carmeister strikes again! And I'm with ty on this one, he's made me a fan!
Sept. 9, 2012, 2:01 pm
ty from pps says:
Sept. 9, 2012, 5:03 pm
Jim from Cobble Hill says:
Sept. 9, 2012, 5:31 pm
dan from greenwood says:
this is barely literate.
Sept. 10, 2012, 1:32 pm
John Wasserman from Windsor Terrace says:
Sept. 10, 2012, 3:22 pm
JG from Brooklyn says:
Somehow this became super-meta. not in a good way.
Sept. 10, 2012, 5:53 pm
Kevin from Bay Ridge says:
Sometimes, I honestly don't know if Carmine's trolling or not.
Sept. 11, 2012, 10:54 am
ty from pps says:
Why does Carmine insist on pretending that the editor of this rag gives a crap about what he writes? He doesn't show any concern for the rest of the "paper," why worry about Carmine's syphilitic rantings?
Sept. 11, 2012, 1:32 pm

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