I’m madder than the hermit who secluded himself from the world so he wouldn’t be bothered by its toils and troubles, then reappeared and found out the place he knew and loved didn’t exist anymore over the fact that with all of the horrible things going on in the world, I can’t get a good night’s sleep!
Look, you all know that I’ve told you time and time again that the only way to lead a care-free life is to divorce yourself from the daily earth-shattering news that constantly depresses you. But with all this information so readily available to us on not only the television in the living room and the radio in the kitchen that is always tuned to 1010 WINS, but also on our dumb phones and interweb browser and amazing glass tablets that provide us much more than the 10 commandments, it’s getting tougher and tougher for guys like me to bury our heads in the sand.
Now I don’t need to tell you that the last time I heard some bad news, I did my best ostrich impression, but that wasn’t enough! I can’t cover my ears enough!
Luckily, there is this thing called the free-mail that allows people of a certain age to get information to one another without having to lick a stamp. And it is through this miracle of modern ingenuity that I pick up pearls of wisdom on a regular basis.
So, as a public service to all those people out there who have lost their connection to the World Wide Internet, I give to you, on ink and paper, some of the things you are missing.
Here’s a gem that an old friend free-mailed me, that fit this ol’Screecher to a “T.”
But first, one of my classic digressions: remember when your clothes didn’t carry any ads, advertisements from the manufacturer or triple-XXX filth all over them? When jeans came without ready-made holes and shreds? And when it didn’t cost a fortune to but it? Oh, and remember when only sailors had tattoos? Now it seems you can’t find anybody without permanent colored ink on them! What is up with that!?
Okay, back to the column. Here’s what my old pal sent me, cut and plastered for your convenience:
“Dearie, do you remember when we waltzed to the Sousa band, my wasn’t the music grand? Chowder parties down by the seashore, every Fourth of July. Test your memory! If you remember, dearie, you’re much older than I!”
If walking is good for your health, then letter carriers would be immortal and don’t need Obamacare!
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so!
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. Finally I got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
It’s not hard for me to meet expenses … they’re everywhere. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter, I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m “here after.” Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
If these truisms ring a bell, then start living and stop worrying, you’ll forget everything soon enough. That’s a certainty!
Screech at you next week!
