Stepford presidential candidate Hillary Clinton fancies herself as an elder of American politics, but the former first lady, New York senator, and secretary of state launched her ballyhooed campaign with the fizz of a bath bomb, dragging along a colostomy bag of smelly scandals and failed careers.
Hill’s photoshopped realities collided with the truth like sumo wrestlers, but the American media was too busy bowing and scraping to Her Snootiness to notice much: “Hillary Rodham Clinton ordered a burrito bowl at a Chipotle outside Toledo, Ohio,” reported the lofty New York Times. Indeed.
It took the bold British press to bust Hill’s chin-wag with allegedly ordinary Iowans who were actually staged groupies, in a pretension ridiculing the everyday Americans she claims she wants to champion. Spindly, too, was Hill’s whopper about all her grandparents — instead of just one — being immigrants, although her Freudian typo on a press release that the “It Takes a Village” author had “fought children and families all her career” was a hoot.
Hill’s chronic disconnect with the public — now slightly bigger than Mars — wasn’t as laughable, but it did advance her catalog of incompetencies that by now even the Huli wigmen of Papua New Guinea must have heard about:
• As first lady she testified “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember” 250 times to congressional investigators probing assorted Clinton scandals.
• As a miserly multi-millionaire she claimed a $2 tax deduction on knickers she donated to charity; later she cried poverty while glomming $300,000 per speech, complete with diva-like demands for boxed medals and special pillows.
• As secretary of state she sulked, “What difference at this point does it make?” when congressional investigators inquired why the Oval Office blamed the 2012 Libyan U.S. embassy terror attacks that killed four Americans on her abysmal watch on a U.S. anti-Islam movie.
• Her use of a personal web account to conduct state business and then destroying the e-mails without authorization birthed E-mailgate.
• She’s a witch, say pals, one of whom recalled to White House chronicler Bob Woodward that Hill once informed her, “Your problem is you just aren’t mean enough.”
Dora the Explorer would make a more suitable presidential stumper than Hillary Clinton, who proved as much by launching a campaign more souped up than a pre-fixe dinner menu, and faker than a $3 bill.
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