Wow. What a week this was. Some of you are happy. Some of you are not. Me? I am elated. I am overjoyed. I am thrilled. To say that I am so excited would be an understatement. I am like a pig in….never mind. This was one of the most super-sensational, mega-magnificent, ultra fantastic weeks of my life.
Hey, Gershbein. What’s with those mega-super words?
Well, we are now living in an age where there are just not enough superlatives. Nobody’s a star anymore. He’s a super-star. Nobody’s a model anymore. She’s a super-model. So now we need to fill our pages with super-superlatives….and now back to my terrifyingly-terrific, immensely-marvelous week.
It all started last Saturday when I was notified that I was a winner in the Krasloten lottery. Honest. The Email said that I was the holder of ticket number 3356 NL and that I won a million Euros. I don’t remember being in Krasloten. I don’t even know where Krasloten is and even if I was there I don’t remember buying a lottery ticket … BUT … this falls under what I call the Ozmir Rule. The Ozmir rule comes from an ancient Chinese proverb that says Ozmir Gibt, Nempt. English translation- if some obscure lottery company, somewhere on this planet, wants to award you a million Euros – you take it.
A million Euros….lemme’ see – as of this writing a million Euros is worth $1,346,293.65 … I just became a millionaire.
On Sunday I received an Email from Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan, Chief Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang Seng Bank in Hong Kong. I was in Hong Kong three times. I toured. I ate. I even had clothes made to order. Maybe that’s how my name came up. Mr. Chan has a twelve and a half million dollar account that belonged to a depositor. This particular person passed away leaving no next of kin. Mr. Chan wants me to stand in for the deceased…whatever ‘stand in’ means … and split the twelve and a half with him. My share of six and a quarter makes yesterday’s lottery ticket look like peanuts….but I’ll take them both.
Monday’s communication was nothing to sneeze at. Mr. Mark Johnson, the Fiduciary Agent of something or other, and Sir. Smith Berger, the Online Promo Programme Coordinator were very pleased to inform me that I just won two million pounds in the UK National Lottery. Not as pleased as I am. I was there. I visited the UK many times and yes. I did buy a ticket but that was many years ago. Heck those British people are slow. It took them all this time to find me.
2,000,000 GBP converted to the currency we use around here is equal to 3,459,788.61 USD.
On Tuesday Mrs. Jesse Jaminet of the Chevron Oil, Petorleum Head Office in Abuja, Nigeria greeted me.
Pet-OR-leum. That’s how it was spelled. Maybe that’s the way they spell it in Nigeria. I can tell you honestly, hand to God, I know for an undeniable fact that I was never in Nigeria. How they got my name? Who knows but once again, the Ozmir rule applies. This nice lady wants to give me my prize money of exactly one million United States Dollars. I’ll take it.
Then yesterday another wonderful Email arrived. Mrs. Bridgewater Collins tells me that she has already instructed the legal firm of Westmoreland Kelly and Associates to assist me in procuring my share, $600,000, of the Microsoft Lottery. I didn’t even know that Microsoft ran a lottery and this must be for real. She wouldn’t lie to me. Would she?
What a week this has been. So far this week I have become thirteen million dollars richer and the week isn’t over yet.
I am StanGershbein@Bellsouth.net saying Thank You to the reader who has been putting my name on all of the above scams. If nothing else, you’ve given me a good chuckle.
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