It was too lava, too lantula — even for a giant-insect movie buff like myself.
Sunday’s premier of the “2Lava 2Lantula” — the second offering in SyFy Channel’s “Lavalantula” franchise — had Steve Guttenberg reprising his role as the has-been ’90s action hero Colton West, jumping into action and saving the day, as well as his step-daughter in Florida, by besting the giant, radioactive lava-spewing spiders with his GI Joe can-do attitude — and a few shiny new weapons.
Along the way he is joined by a host of new characters (and few old ones) as he rides rough-shod a-whompin’ and a-whoopin’ his way across the Sunshine State when the sand hits the fan and Gargantulantula strikes. It’s really big, it’s really bad — no kidding.
As its sister B-movie SyFy franchise, “Sharknado,” this iteration pays tribute to those fabulous sci-fi movies of the past, including “Independence Day,” “Dr. Strangelove,” and “Tarantula” (in name only) — all as it spoofs racing melodrama “2 Fast 2 Furious.”
Oh how I long for the day when science-fiction movies had you sitting on the edge of your seat, because you actually believed it could happen.
Not so in “2 Lava, 2 Lantula” — I knew who was gonna live and who was not going to make it to the finale before the opening credits ran. Those silly, fire-retardant arachnids would just fizzle out, and Colton would hear those words every step-father longs to hear from his over-spending-but-brilliant step-daughter: “I love you dad.”
I like Steve Guttenberg, and in a recent interview he told the Houston Chronicle, “The most important part of being an actor is taking the craft seriously. Not taking yourself seriously. But taking the work seriously.”
Sorry Steve, but I couldn’t even take the work seriously — let alone you as Colton West.
“2Lava 2Lantula” — sad to say — isn’t even a D-movie at best. Nope, I think for “Lavalantula 3” (if there is one) Colton West should tone down the grit and re-capture the aura that he exuded in the first Lavalantula — funny, spoofy, and not serious at all.
I did appreciate the end though. Colton riding the death-packing package through the skies to destroy Gargantulantula à la Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove was a nice touch.
Not for Nuthin™ but maybe SyFy, should remake “The Deadly Mantis,” “Beginning of the End,” or “Them” — now those were B movies.
Follow me on Twitter @JDelBuono.
