Brooklyn is well on its way to overtaking Chicago as the third-most populous city in the United States, but Kings County will have to get creative in order to push past the Windy City by this time in 2018. Here are 10 things we can do to populate the borough next year — no matter what the cost.
10. Annex Ridgewood: The Queens neighborhood is already full of hipsters who can’t afford Williamsburg, and even once had a Brooklyn zip code. It is also on the eastern edge of Newtown Creek, so you don’t even have to cross the only natural barrier separating the two boroughs.
9. Don’t legalize it, man: Officials have been laying off enforcement of pot possession while medical marijuana is becoming increasingly available in New York — a big problem for fertility, because weed can lower men’s sperm count and just generally makes people lazy. Let’s save the reefer madness until we can afford to kick back and chillax.
8. Reopen Rikers here: The city wants to close the scandal-plagued jail anyway, and seeing as incarcerated people count towards the census, we say open a new facility in Kings County to pad out the numbers. Better yet, let’s volunteer to take some of Chicago’s prisoners too, reducing its population at the same time.
7. House the homeless: The Census Bureau includes the homeless in its count, and will even add indigent drifters to the population tally. By embracing shelters and soup kitchens, we can help solve the city’s homeless crisis while increasing the borough’s population.
6. Abstinence-only education: Love it or hate it, stressing abstinence in schools is a surefire way to increase the likelihood of pregnancy. So when you have “the talk” with you teen, don’t tell them to be safe — tell them to wait.
5. Tolls going out, none coming in: Tourists and commuters can be persuaded to settle in the borough by making the cost of leaving Brooklyn prohibitively expensive, while leaving all routes into Brooklyn free of any toll.
4. Do resuscitate: Is your loved one clinging to life? Keep them that way — it’s just for another year.
3. Flood the reservoirs with fertility drugs: Even if you start trying today, chances are you’ll only be able to pop out one kid before 2018. By pumping Brooklyn’s water supply with experimental fertility drugs — known to increase the likelihood of twins and triplets — locals could be popping out whole litters with frightening regularity.
2. Take all the Syrian refugees: Other states around America are refusing to take refugees from the war-torn country, but Brooklyn is home to enough bleeding-hearts to welcome all of them with open arms.
1. Lure Chicagoans to Brooklyn: By enticing Chi-Town citizens to relocate to the Borough of Kings, we can kill two birds with one stone. A marketing campaign could advertise the many appeals of Brooklyn living, including our low murder rates, comparatively gentle winds, and objectively superior pizza. Plus, given how bad the Nets are right now, immigrants are guaranteed to see a Bulls victory every time the team comes to town.
