I’m madder than Mister Magoo trying to read a newspaper with teeny-tiny typeface over the fact that our daily newspapers are going to the dogs.
And what makes me even madder is the fact that other newspapers that produce useless dribble get a free pass.
Well, no more.
Look, you all know that the Daily News is New York’s Picture Newspaper, but that doesn’t mean it can fill page three with stuff none of us — and especially yours truly — are interested in.
Now, I know you know exactly what I talking about: that half-page spread on “Sex in the City” star Chris North — the guy who was on the “Law and Order” — eating lunch with his real-life wife (whose name I don’t recall or even care about) and his movie-wife Sarah Jessica Parker from “Square Pegs.”
First of all, I don’t know what relevance this has for anyone. Second of all, the text on the page was so small I felt like the aforementioned angry Magoo, and I had to use a magnifying glass to even see it.
It read “Chris North, Mr. Big on ‘Sex and the City,’ (right, with Sarah Jessica Parker) chows down messily on a falafel Tuesday with wife Tara Wilson in Union Square Park.”
And the headline: “He’s Mr. Big-time slob.”
Mind you, the headline took up more than half the width of the page and was a thousand times larger than the blurb itself.
Well, I guess this proves a picture is worth a thousand words, because I haven’t finished criticizing the uselessness of wasting something as important as page three in the News on such irresponsible dribble.
My old pal Gersh Kuntzman should be ashamed of himself.
Page three is a very important place in the newspaper, and should have been dedicated to all the important things that are going on in the world, including New Yorkers and New Jersey-ites rushing to the rescue of Hurricane Sandy’s victims, with businesses, clergy, schools, organizations, and restaurants volunteering time, efforts, and whatever could be donated to help these unfortunate, now-homeless victims.
That makes a heck of a lot more sense than putting the spotlight on the sour cream on Mr. Big’s lips.
I can’t speak for Chris North, but I will. I’m certain he wasn’t too happy with the obvious paparazzi-style intrusion. He looked more like a gangster than the handsome star he is, and his expression clearly stated “get outta here!” Perhaps the choice to hand in this photo was the cameraman’s revenge?
Even my lovely wife Sharon couldn’t believe it when I showed it to her over coffee and bagels that morning. She met Chris North when he was filming down on Chambers Street back when she was working, and she said the photo definitely didn’t do him justice. I mean, you could barely see his striking blue eyes.
I was so angry, I showed that page-three spread to everyone I rode into that day to see what they thought. The dozens of people I talked to all agreed: it was a waste of ink and paper.
Shame, shame, shame, on the Daily News!
Now’s the point in the column where I make an awkward segue to another point.
Speaking of shame, how about this here FEMA.
Well, I don’t think it’s doing enough and the guys that run it should take notice: that big “e” in your name stands for “emergency,” and not “elongated,” which is what this recovery is taking.
Now, somewhat related to this story because Chris North also stars in the “Good Wife” — the hit TV series that I watch on Channel 2 on the old Zenith in the living room. It amazes me that this excellent show keeps it’s fans, because it constantly gets preempted thanks to a football game or another episode of the “Amazing Race.”
And this madness doesn’t stop with Channel 2 — even Channel 7 has the audacity to preempt the lottery mega drawing for football! OK, so if you’re a football or “Amazing Race” fan, you might say, “what’s the big deal?” Well, to those fans I say, “Hello, and welcome to the 21st century, where you tape shows for viewing whenever! It’s called a VCR, use it!”
When Eyewitness News delayed the Lotto drawing that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I think that the state Lotto should consider moving to a more reliable channel!
Screech at you next week!
Carmine can't wait to write next week's column, which appears every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-Mail him at [email protected].