I’m so upset with the sad state of our streets and sidewalks, I’m writing about them again! So buckle up and hold onto your hats, because you’re about to get another mouthful from the Screecher!
Look, I can describe our sidewalks, streets and highways in one word: “Dangerous and horrible!” You don’t like those? How about these: “Impassible and unbelievable!” And that’s only if I choose not to use the four-letter kind. But this is a family newspaper, so I’ll leave that to your imagination.
Now, I’m not blaming Mother Nature or Mayor Bloomberg or even that punching bag from D.C., President Obama, for this horrible disaster, because I’m blaming technology. That’s right, those egghead scientists and engineers are at fault for not producing a reasonably priced hovercraft so I don’t have to deal with these potholes and uneven walkways! I mean, how long is this going to take? Don’t they know I’m not going to live forever?
Look, I’ve seen these smooth-riding speedsters used quite successfully in movies like “Star Wars,” so I know the technology exists. So we in Bensonhurst should demand that they get built, and built — as my doctor says when he orders my cholesterol checked — STAT! By next week, all our cars, buses, skates for kids, carriages, strollers, and, especially, handicap scooters, should hover.
I’ll be the first to buy one, and when I do, I’ll scoot through busy 86th Street like it’s nobody’s business. I’ll be the envy of the neighborhood, zipping passed shopping cart pushers trying to maneuver through the produce section just below Bay Parkway, which, by the way, has the finest fruits and vegetables money can buy — at half the price of the supermarkets.
And my new hover-scooter will let me get into stores that are not at street level and have that centuries-old technology — steps. I’ll be able to float right into stores my wheeled scooter won’t take me, and I’ll be happy as a clam.
But you know what really gets my goat? When our disastrous streets and sidewalks overturn my old-school scooter, leaving my 300-pound frame writhing in pain on the floor. In the worst case, I end up getting an unwanted bath. Once, I was on 86th Street using the corner curb cut — which was under two inches of water, mind you — when I tried to cross the street and I ended up getting dunked — twice! I’m not going to lie to you — I looked like one of those beached whales!
It took three people to get me back up on my scooter. I was drenched down to my underwear!
But that wouldn’t be a problem if I had my hover-scooter. No siree Bob. I would just float over all the rocks and water and obstacles, with a big poop-eating grin on my face.
But no! I’ve still got to suffer with this old technology!
Keep reading, I’ve got more to come on our pathways next week!
Screech at you then!