Carmine says ‘What’s a matter with kids these days!’

I’m madder than a sea lion in a hot tub over how these kids today get dressed up for their fancy sweet 16s! Or, maybe I should say I’m mad about their lack of dress!

Look, you all know that I’m pretty liberal — especially when it comes to the helping of mash potatoes I have with my 32-ounce t-bone — but when it comes to kids and clothes, I’m to the right of Stephen Colbert. In fact, I got a petition going when I saw how ABC allowed Joanie to dress up in the sweet 16 episode of “Happy Days.”

So you’ll understand how shocked I was when I traveled to Staten Island for my niece’s big day and was greeted by a bunch of teenagers with skirts that were easily winning their war with gravity — in fact it was a blowout!

And the worst part about it was they apparently had their parents’ blessing!

In my day, when a baby was conceived with a firm handshake, kids wouldn’t be caught dead wearing what they wear today. Well, let me rephrase that — they would be caught dead, because if their parents caught them, they’d be dead!

But clearly that’s not the case today, where kids who watch the Disney channel are taught from an early age that if you got it, you better flaunt it. I’ll tell you this, you can say what you want about Annette and her ’60s surfer movies, but she made a promise to ol’ Walt that she wouldn’t ever wear a two-piece — and she never did, and we were all better for it!

But not today! No siree Bob! Today’s ex-Mousekateers look more like Playboy bunnies that should be hanging out with Hef instead of clubhouse members hanging out with Jimmy. You don’t believe me? Have you seen this here Britney Spears. Well she used to on the Mickey Mouse Club, and so was that other pop-tart, Christina Aquilera! Now tell me this, if those two were your role models, how would you dress!

Now, of course, my niece, angel that she is, looked stunning and was as classy as all get out, and the party was fantastic.

The Loft of Ariana’s Grand where the party was held was spacious with a breathtaking view of the Outerbridge Crossing, which was actually named for someone with the last name “Outerbridge,” hence the use of the noun “crossing” in its name, as opposed to “bridge” which would make it the “Outerbridge Bridge,” which sounds stupid, so you can see why they did what they did. But I digress. With a long balcony for viewing the illuminated crossing, it was a wonderful respite for a breath of fresh air. Wall-to-wall windows faced the crossing and there were comfortable couches spread around different areas of the room.

And that brings me to this week’s shameless plug: the décor by Robert Josephs floral arrangements and AJ’s Party Center, conveniently located at 1990 W. Sixth St. between avenues S and T, was nothing short of spectacular. And the “traveling around the world” theme, with 4-foot centerpieces on each table displaying some of the man-made wonders of the world like the Eiffel Tower, the Taj Mahal, and the Empire State Building, were breathtaking.

And the service was excellent, because every time me and Tornado scooted over to the buffet table, the maitre d’ had someone take the food back to my table. I also found another Grey Goose martini drinker, and every time he went for one, he brought me one too, just the way I like it — straight up, dry, with olives, and shaken and not stirred. Fortunately I was being taken home by Access-a-Ride and I was feeling no pain at the end of the night. Of course, I’m living proof that Grey Goose martini’s give you an appetite. You should have seen what I ate!

The party ended with a grandiose desert bar and a good time was had by all. And the proof is in the pudding: there are 986 pictures of the party on the FaceBook the very next morning.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen! And screech at you next week!