I’m madder than the fat guy from the movie review show when the movie concession stand is out of Bon Bons — check that, I’m madder than me when the concession stand is out of Bon Bons — over the fact that I’m afraid to go to the cinema because I’ve heard they’ve got bedbugs there!
That’s right, bedbugs!
Look, you all know that The Screecher is the king of the jungle that is Bensonhurst, but like all kings, I have my Achilles Heel. And like the famous lion from the famous fable, I’m afraid of mice. Well, at least I think there is some fable with some big animal that is afraid of mice. Maybe it’s elephants. Yeah, the one where the elephant won’t let the mouse take the splinter out of his trunk because he’s afraid of the pipsqueak. Whatever.
I digress, but the fact is I’m a big guy who’s afraid of small things — especially small things that bite me and suck out my precious blood.
So, for as long as I remember, the Santa Maria household has been a “No Mosquito, No Bedbug, and by all means possible, No Vampire Bats zone.”
And that’s the way I like it!
So you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that when I heard through the grapevine that movie theaters in Brooklyn were home to bedbugs, you can bet that I canceled my subscription to Fandango! (Yeah, that’s right, I know what Fandango is! And don’t tell me I can’t cancel my subscription to it!).
Look, it makes me itchy to just think about the possibility of me and my lovely wife Sharon heading out for a night on the town, seeing one of those picture shows that makes your heart stop and eyes tear, and then having it all ruined when you get home because some tiny parasite has hitched a ride on your favorite sweater (you know, the one that matches my hat!).
Then, as you’re lying in bed late at night, that little bugger finds his way from the laundry basket to your bedpost, climbs up, then takes up residence in your pillowcase. Sheesh! It gives me the heebie jeebies just to picture it in my mind!
And worse, I hear these little pests aren’t just at the movie house — they’re in department stores, too! In fact, I’ve heard you can buy a mattress that comes with them — at no extra charge! Box springs, too!
And I’ll tell you this: there is no way to get these things out of your house once they get in. No way at all. And on top of that, to get them out, you’ve gotta pay hand over fist.
Now, you all know that ol’Carmine is more than a little tight with the dollar. Some of my “friends” say I’ve got short arms and deep pockets, which means it’s hard for me to reach my money, way down there near my stockings. But there is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay to get these irritants out of my home.
Now’s the point in my column where I remind you that I am dealing in hypotheticals. At no point have I ever had bedbugs. And the proof is in the pudding, because if I did, you wouldn’t be reading this because I’m so afraid of these darn things just seeing one would scare the life out of me! Now back to the narrative.
Look, you can’t even starve these things to death, because they are superhuman! They can live in the crevices of your couch for up to 18 months without eating any food!
Obviously, if you get bedbugs, you cannot win the battle against them alone. You’ve got to get professional help! There is no quick fix and you and everyone surrounding your home is susceptible to an invasion. My friend said that when the exterminator came to inspect his apartment, he was astonished to see the immaculate conditions of the apartment, which was as clean as can be on account of the fact that his wife has asthma and they need to live in a dust-free environment (which, by the way, is a lot tougher to do than keeping your apartment Mosquito, Bedbug, and Vampire Bat-free). So don’t think for a second that because a neighbor is infested, he or she lives in a pigsty (hypothetically speaking, of course).
And that’s why it’s a good thing that my boss, Assemblyman William Colton, asked me to re-order copies of the Department of Health’s brochure “Preventing and Getting Rid of Bedbugs Safely,” which will be available at his community office on Kings Highway between W. 10th and W. 11th streets. Need a copy for informational purposes only? Call (718) 236–1598 to see if they have arrived yet. They’re printed in English, Chinese, Spanish, Russian, and Italian.
So help join the fight to get rid of this blight!
Screech at you next week!