Carmine’s warning: Don’t chew dare!

I’m madder than the North Pole elves when they learned Santa wasn’t paying overtime this year over the fact that some people don’t get what they deserve, and others just get shafted.

Look, you all know that I work for Assemblyman Bill Colton and I sit right by the door at the office with my hand on the phone just waiting for it to ring and the other on the buzzer to let people in so they can complain to me about the things the government does that irks them. And this week I get a real doozy: the case of the woman who got a ticket for biting her nails while driving.

I know, I know, it sounds insane, but I don’t have to tell you that dumb things like this happen all the time. Let me break this latest catastrophe down for you.

Sandra came into the office screaming to me that she was whacked with a hefty $200 ticket because she was seen by a police officer as she chewed on her fingers while driving down one of Neil Diamond’s Brooklyn roads.

So I says to her “How the heck could that happen? I don’t think there’s a law against that. And if there is, it is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Even worse than that aforementioned Neil Diamond song.

So then she broke it down even further.

She told me that she was happily driving along when she got pulled over, but had no idea why.

The over-zealous police officer, who was probably trying to get her quota of tickets for the week, told her that she saw her driving while using her cellphone.

So Sandra says “But my cellphone is in my pocket. Here. Look at the phone log and you’ll see I wasn’t using it.”

But the officer would have none of it, telling poor Sandra — get this — to stop wasting her time and that she would have let her off if she just said it was an emergency!”

So Sandra was dumbfounded, and tried to think back to what might have resulted in the officer mistakenly thinking she was using her phone.

That’s where the nail biting comes in.

Apparently, Sandra was chewing on her nails right before all this happens, and she thinks the officer saw her doing that, and mistaked it for her using her phone.

Now, I don’t have to tell you that biting your nails and ripping apart your cuticles isn’t the best thing to do when you’re driving in your car, and it can be heck on your fingers and even make them bleed.

But that doesn’t mean you should get a ticket for it!

So Sandra wrote a well-written, concise letter stating her case. It went a little something like this (in case any of youse have the same problem and need to fight the ticket).

“I have enclosed a not guilty response to this ticket enclosing my cell phone detail records from that day as proof. The ticket time was 4 pm and you’ll see that I used my phone last at 3:38 pm for two minutes and later used my phone at 4:48 pm for another two minutes. I would never put my cell phone to my ear because my car is equipped with a bluetooth which I would use when an incoming or outgoing call would be placed. The officer mistakenly thought I had my cell phone in my right ear, but in reality my right hand was to my mouth biting the sides of my finger nails.”

As far as the ol’Screecher is concerned, this case is closed!

Sandra also added some kind words about the good jobs the officers do in keeping everyone safe.

But I don’t think she has to go through all this to prove she is not guilty! Someone should check out that over-zealous cop’s motives and see if she is devoid of a conscience!

And they keep saying, there’s no such thing as ticket quotas!

Screech at you next week!

Carmine Santa Maria's contract with The Brooklyn Paper is ironclad, was approved by a former editor, and is in effect until he turns 100. So continue to enjoy his column each Sunday on Brooklyn Paper.com. E-mail him at [email protected]!