I’m hotter than a freshly served double expresso over the fact that all my days of being known as “Mr. Nice Guy” are coming to an end thanks to the fact that as I get older and heavier, I have a tougher time keeping my infamous temper.
Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been known to blow his top every now and then, mostly when dealing with imbeciles, which happens a lot more often these days, it seems, than in the past.
Take for instance the other day, when I was happily riding through the hallways from my penthouse suite at the beautiful twin towers of Harway Terrace on my new four-wheel (the better to keep me rolling) Tornado 3, when I came upon a nasty woman in the elevator.
Now, I don’t need to tell you that all these fancy buttons on these new moving devices are not the easiest things to master — anyone who has hopped into one of those three-wheelers they let you drive around Target can tell you that.
So it wouldn’t surprise you to learn that when the elevator doors opened, I went backwards instead of forwards, and the woman inside angrily greeted me with a shout of, “Are you coming in or not!”
Clearly, she was in more of a hurry than me, which was obvious by the fact that she began hitting the “door close” button before I could even answer.
Thankfully, those buttons don’t do anything (Really! They are just there to make you believe that you control the elevator which, of course, you do not!) and I was able to hit the button on the wall again with my grabby stick before she could escape.
Then I got to roll on in, forcing her over to the left as she gave me dirty looks!
“I can’t wait to move out of this friggin building” she said, which took me by surprise, because I never had seen her before and didn’t know she was even living at Harway.
If I wasn’t such a nice guy, I would have punched her in the face, or at least hit her with my aforementioned grabby stick. But being the nice guy I am, I didn’t!
Of course, nothing aggravates me more than having to listen to half a telephone conversation in the elevator with someone you don’t know, as it usually gives you way too much information about their horrible life.
In this instance, I learned everything that woman had to do that day, right down to picking up the baby. Being an old bat, my guess is she was talking about her grand kid, which I immediately said a prayer for — wishing she had a guardian angel to protect her from this evildoer!
Getting back to The Nice Guy Club, which I’m sure you realize I haven’t yet mentioned, whom do you think should be in it?
First, we have to define what “nice” means, and for that, I’ll go to the most-reliable source, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary I have under the coffee table in the living room for when we play Scrabble.
It defines “nice” as an adjective meaning “giving pleasure or joy: good and enjoyable: attractive of good quality, kind, polite and friendly.
Now, on to the Nice Guy Club.
First let’s completely eliminate politicians, as there are too few to really include and why make enemies? Clergy of all faiths are included, so as not to offend any higher authority that I may or may not agree with or know about.
Our good protective and civil servants may be nominated. Our armed forces are included, educators certainly may be nominated. The impoverished, aged, and unwell (wait a second. Did I just hit the trifecta?) should not be included but be put on a special list for the Nice Guys to help. However, if individuals from these categories in their own way are Nice Guys, they’re certainly welcome.
Being a Nice Guy is having an attitude of always being friendly, helpful and caring. There are a lot of you out there, too often unheralded! In this space over the years I’ve spotlighted hundreds of our finest citizens, candidates, and organizations for their Nice Guy qualities. As well as unmercifully chastising those who aren’t Nice Guys, and I’ll be a Nice Guy today by not mentioning them by name.
Incidentally, let me remind you that the Bensonhurst West End Community Council’s 47 Anniversary Gala will be celebrated Wednesday, May 27 at the fabulous El Caribe Country Club in Mill Basin.
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Screech at you next week!
