A new year is upon us. In the grand old tradition, we asked borough luminaries to make some predictions for the next 12 months, and threw in some of our own for good measure. Some of these you can actually expect to happen, others are, well, fun guess work. So if any come to fruition, remember, you heard it here first!
“The hottest trend in Williamsburg will be Hitler moustache parties. The egg cream makes a comeback, made with locally sourced, organic dairy products, of course. In the wake of Neil Young’s cameo at the Bell House, Neil Diamond makes an appearance. Print newspapers make a huge resurgence when advertisers realize that Internet-only publications don’t get them any bang for the buck, and readers realize that the only way to really understand an issue is to read it in a newspaper. Monkeys will fly out of reporter Andy Campbell’s butt (which is really just a repeat of what happened last year). The right lane of the Belt Parkway gets wiped out by a storm that blasts through Plumb Beach. The Brighton Beach version of ‘Jersey Shore’ becomes a pop culture sensation. Motorists protest select bus service on Nostrand Avenue by parking in the bus lane. The Apple store comes to the Municipal Building in Downtown Brooklyn. Gerritsen Beach becomes the next artist enclave.” — Our staff predictions
“In 2011, the economy will get so bad that Oprah will change the name of her network from ‘OWN’ to ‘RENT.’ Mattel will release ‘Recession Barbie,’ complete with foreclosure papers on her Malibu Dream House. And when you ask her ‘Where’s Ken?’ she sobs. The Winklevoss Twins will sue Mattel claiming that they thought of ‘Recession Barbie’ first. A crafty New Yorker will invent and sell a beverage called ‘Hot Tranny Mess’ that combines caffeine, salt, high fructose corn syrup, and trans fat. Upon hearing the news, Mayor Bloomberg will faint and fall, ironically, into a snow bank.” — Chris Doucette, comedian
“We’re predicting that in 2011 you’ll see the term ‘Bedford Hill’ pop up as a real-estate name for the Clinton Hill–Bed-Stuy border. Allison Stewart gave her new coffee shop on Franklin Avenue that name, and we think it’s going to stick. Look for it soon on Craigslist. Best area, restaurants, cafés, 20 minutes to the city, low broker fee!” — Annaliese Griffin, senior editor, Brooklyn Based
“The upcoming year will see a rise in expensive niche food products coming to market. Breakfast cereal is going to have a million-dollar makeover — Cheerios will be handmade by bearded Brooklyn artisans, cooked in a clay oven imported from Budapest, and sold in precious brown paper boxes. It will only cost you $15. Vegetables will take center stage this year, but fear not, local sustainable meat will continue to thrive. Butchers will discover fattier cuts. I’m thinking pigeon bacon, raccoon chops, and squirrel headcheese. Trapping your own meat will be the new way to go green. Of course, this year pies will be big, food apps will proliferate, and cooking competitions (like the Food Experiments) will catch on outside of Brooklyn. I see these events becoming big in Boston, Philly, DC, and Austin — just a hunch …” — Theo Peck, co-founder, The Food Experiments
“The Nets Stadium will be converted into a baseball park and the Dodgers will return! Marty Markowitz will appoint me ‘Music Czar of Brooklyn’ and offer me a budget and staff to provide music and arts entertainment and education throughout the borough! Housing prices will fall enough to be able to afford a home in Park Slope and then skyrocket the following year.” — Ethan Schlesser, producer, Jingle Bell Jamboree; director, Brooklyn Rock and Soul Experience
“We only have one more year left according to the Mayans and Nostradamus (he predicted Hitler, people) thus my prediction is that 2011 will be a debaucherous sex laden decadent menagerie of performance art.” — Austin McCormick, founder, Company XIV