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For Carmine, life barely worth living without TV Guide

I madder than couch potato with a broken remote control over the fact that I can’t find out what’s on my favorite channel without subscribing to a worthless 21st Century-version of TV Guide that’s nothing like the TV guide I grew up with.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher was a card-carrying reader to what was the world’s-most-read magazine (even more that Parade!) from the day it splashed the lovely Lucille Ball on the cover in 1953 over a picture of a young Winston Churchill, to that sad Saturday when I couldn’t find it at the checkout counter at the Waldbaums off New Utrecht Avenue.

Now, I don’t know what happened to the TV Guide, but I can tell you I’ve missed its Cheers and Jeers more than anyone, and for years I’ve been looking for a replacement.

So you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that when the Zenith in the living room told me I could subscribe to a new kind of TV Guide — this one put out by my favorite channel, Turner Classic American Movie Classics — I jumped at the chance.

And figuring out how long I would subscribe for it was easy. That’s because you don’t have to be an egghead to figure out that the $2.50 cover price of “Now Playing” is an absolute lie if you buy a two-year subscription for $26.99! Talk about savings!

Well, my excitement turned to exasperation when the first issue showed up in my mail trunk (that’s right! My mailbox is much bigger than your’s) and I immediately determined that this wasn’t like TV Guide at all! In fact, it was like twice the size, making it difficult for me to get it to fit in the TV-Guide-sized space I allocated for it on the Victrola up against the wall next to my TV chair in the living room.

But that doesn’t even begin to describe the disenchantment I felt when I started reading the thing!

First mistake: nothing about Vanna White. Enough said.

Second, it was just 11 pages held together with two flimsy staples that I am guessing were not made in Queens (as they should be), and the only shows they list are the one on Turner Classic American Movie Classics — and I already know them. In between was a whole lotta nothing, so I guess you know what I’m going to do now, right! That’s right — cancel my subscription for a full refund. But not before I write a scathing column about this rip off to warn my readers who are looking for a fix to their TV Guide habit. I’ll get back to you after I do that.

Now’s the point in the column when I bring up something I’ve brought up a hundred times before. I must have told you a hundred times about the soon-to-open “Il Centro,” the first Italian-American cultural community center to be built in New York City. But first, here’s a news flash: I’m not Irish, I’m Italian, and in my years working with the FIAO of Brooklyn, I’ve met and worked with the nicest and most dedicated people any one could have the pleasure to know.

For those who are not from this planet and don’t know what FIAO stands for, (I assume you all know what or where Brooklyn is) its the Federation of Italian-American Organizations, a nationwide group with strong ties to the Italian and Sicilian regional governments.

Once completed, Il Centro will expand services and will serve as a cultural resources to Italian Americans as well as become a model to all ethnic groups in how to preserve, celebrate, and care of one’s own heritage in a multi-cultural society.

FIAO also organizes Brooklyn’s own gigantic Columbus Day Parade, on what else but Cristoforo Colombo Boulevard (18th Avenue) and because of its great appreciation of me, if it falls on a Saturday, always holds it on my lovely wife Sharon’s birthday, Oct 11.

This is the 33rd Annual Brooklyn Columbus Parade and truly a pure community event accomplished by tremendous commitments from volunteers, civic and community groups, religious organizations, schools, businessmen — you name it they all work to make it happen.

There’s a fund-raising brunch on Sunday Oct. 5 at the Dyker Beach Golf Course and is very popular and usually sold out. For reservations and more info, contact FIAO at (718) 259–2828.

On Thursday Oct. 2, the Russo DeMarco Post of the Catholic War Veterans are having their function at the Rex Manor and you know I love the food at the Rex Manor. I’ll be there!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine’s screech every Sunday on Brook‌lynPa‌per.com. E-mail him at diego‌vega@‌aol.com.