Love stinks! The Valentine’s Day guide for people who hate Valentine’s Day

Love stinks! The Valentine’s Day guide for people who hate Valentine’s Day
Photo by Bryan Kwon

Whoever said that one is the loneliest number obviously never celebrated Valentine’s Day in Brooklyn.

This year, there are plenty of quirky events honoring the singles, cynics, drinkers and the recently dumped — so you can go out with confidence in your singlehood this Feb. 14. And who knows, maybe you’ll find someone to go home with, too.

For the cynically single

When the people behind “The Love Show” say “Go F—k Yourself,” they mean that in the best way possible. The dance cabaret, which brings comedy, dancing and burlesque to Public Assembly on Feb. 7, is just an early reminder that being single means not having to feel guilty about drinking excessively while watching sexy men and women strut their stuff.

“It’s going to be a rowdy, fun and charming good time,” said Love Show performer Rachael Ma. “We’ll be doing different types of comical dance numbers about all different types of love.”

Single but not completely cynical yet? Then head to the Black Rabbit in Greenpoint this Valentine’s Day for its “Smiths Speed Dating,” where the first 20 guys and gals to sign-up will get a chance to meet their potential love.

“Our Valentine’s Day is hip,” said bartender Dennis Delaney. “Can you imagine speed-dating while listening to the most depressing music of The Smiths? It’s really fun and ironic.”

The Love Show’s “Go F—k Yourself” at Public Assembly [70 N. Sixth St. between Wythe and Kent avenues in Williamsburg, (718) 384-4586], Feb. 7 at 9 pm. Tickets $10. For info, visit www.publicassemblynyc.com; “Smiths Speed Dating” at Black Rabbit [91 Greenpoint Ave. between Manhattan Avenue and Franklin Street in Greenpoint, (718) 349-1595], Feb. 14 at 8 pm. Free. For info, visit www.blackrabbitbarnyc.com.

For the recently rejected

So you’ve been spurned. Laugh at others who have been rejected worse than you at the Bell House this Valentine’s day with the “Rejection Show,” featuring writers, comedians, cartoonists and artists who will share their failures in business and love all to make you feel better about yourself.

“It’s a supportive show,” said host Jon Friedman. “It’s a laid-back party atmosphere, plus there is live music, we have a lot of fun.”

Indeed, afterwards, The Defibrilators will rock out love songs from the 1980s.

“Rejection Show” at The Bell House [149 Seventh Street and Third Avenue in Gowanus, (718) 643-6510], Feb. 14 at 7 pm. Tickets $10 in advance, $12 at door. For info, visit www.thebellhouseny.com.

For the recently dumped

If after a bad breakup, all you feel like doing is singing Meat Loaf’s “I Do Anything For Love,” you’d find yourself in good company at Union Hall this Valentine’s Day for “Love Bites: The Power Ballads Singalong.”

It will be a night of belting out your heartache to hits from the 1980s and ’90s, including songs from Journey, Bryan Adams, Poison, Aerosmith and Seal. There will also be a contest for the worst breakup story, so you may actually end up feeling like a winner.

And if you’re recently dumped, it’s time to start thinking about your needs. So treat yourself to the “Steamy Valentine Night” party at Brooklyn Bayna, where you can enjoy steam rooms, Jacuzzis and a cold plunge pool all designed to ease your pain. There is also a pool-side dance floor, hookah lounge, and rooftop smoking deck.

“This is a fantastic place to go on Valentine’s Day that isn’t depressing and is just fun,” said Larisa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio, the event’s organizer. “It’s so comfortable for singles and everyone is exceptionally friendly.”

The best part may be an hour open vodka-bar, free pierogi and a performance by The Hungry March Band. Because nothing lifts the spirits quite like a street brass marching band playing “Push It.”

“Love Bites: The Power Ballads Singalong” at Union Hall [702 Union St. near Fifth Avenue in Park Slope, (718) 638-4400], Feb. 14 at 10 pm. Tickets $5. For info, visit www.unionhallny.com; Steamy Valentine’s Night at Brooklyn Bayna [602 Coney Island Ave. between Beverley Road and Avenue C in Kensington, (718) 853-1300], Feb. 14 at 7 pm. Tickets $45. For info, visit www.geminiandscorpio.com.