Quantcast
Mayor Mike is wary of Trojans bearing gifts • Brooklyn Paper

Mayor Mike is wary of Trojans bearing gifts

It is amazing. Our mayor has taken care of all of our health needs, saving our lungs from smoke, our hearts from cholesterol, and our bellies from large sugary drinks. Yes, no mayor has ever protected his flock more than his honor.

He has, during the last 10 years, also increased taxes on cigarettes, gave us bike sharing, and forced fast food restaurants to decrease their usage of salt. And he does all this simply because he cares about our well being.

Even as his final term is nearing an end (thank you, god), he’s found a way to prevent infants from becoming addicted to baby formula by forcing moms (who have just given birth, mind you) to provide wholesome breast milk.

Yes — what a guy.

As you can see, this is the mayor who just does not quit. So is it any surprise that he is now protecting us little women (and some men) from the evils of a free vibrators? You heard it right folks, the mayor’s latest target is the free vibrator — those randy rabbits that, once loaded with Energizer bunnies, just don’t quit.

Trojan, manufactures of all things sexual, decided it would kick-start an ad initiative by providing the vox pop of the city with free joy sticks, complete with said batteries.

When the kiosks opened for business, the lines snaked around the block as wanton women queued up to wrap their anxious fingers around that little purple play toy that makes happy hour so much more happy.

But our mayor, good man that he is, put a stop to the shenanigans, pulling the proverbial plug by sending out an army of the morally moral to tell the Trojan people to pull up stakes and take their joy toy away.

“Beware those Trojan gifts,” he said. “Hell no, the free vibrators have to go.”

Until, that is, that Trojan people came to terms with the mayor and ponied up 3,100 buckeroos in permit fees.

The mayor, knowing when to hold ’em and knowing when to fold ’em, relented, laid down the gauntlet so to speak, and allowed the Trojan people to open up shop, handing out those little gems to the multitudes, or at least 10,000 (as estimated) to women from all over the city.

So from 18 to 108, in the hot and hazy, women now sing his praise — “Thanks Mayor Mike for allowing us to partake of the Trojan gift.” Hey those handy, dandy gadgets go for 40 drachma apiece. Yikes.

Not for Nuthin’, it takes a tough man to spit in the wind, step on Superman’s cape and accept a gift from a Trojan. Way to go Mayor Mike.

Follow Not for Nuthin’ on Twitter @jdelbuono

Joanna DelBuono, writes about national issues — and sex toys — every Wednesday on BrooklynDaily.com.

More from Around New York