Oh no! Carmine almost goes to Bayonne! - Brooklyn Paper

Oh no! Carmine almost goes to Bayonne!

I’m madder than a homing pigeon with a serious case of vertigo over the fact that no matter how hard I try I can’t keep myself from going to and getting lost on Staten Island because it’s the only place I can get my hair done the right way.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been traveling to the wrong side of the Narrows for years just so I can pay a visit to the world’s greatest hairstylist, Cosmo — the only guy on the planet who can make my locks look as good as Marlon Brando’s in “The Godfather.”

But that doesn’t mean I’ve learned how to get to his barbershop by heart — especially after government bureaucrats changed the way the exits work on the Staten Island Distressway — making it nearly impossible for me and my lovely wife Sharon to get to my 9 am appointment on time!

Now, I know exactly what you are thinking: “Carmine, how can you possibly be late for your 9 am hair and nails appointment when we know for certain that whenever you go to Cosmo, you get up at 4 am to make sure your mane is properly shampooed and readied for processing? Doesn’t that give you plenty of time?”

Well, dear reader, to answer that question in just a couple of words: “No.”

But as usual, it isn’t my fault.

In fact, if they didn’t add all of those exits to the Distressway in a ridiculous effort to keep traffic from getting to New Jersey, I might have made it on time. But all those new exits made me lose count, and before I knew it, I passed Victory Boulevard and was heading for the Bayonne Bridge!

Thankfully, that bridge was closed — I remember something terrible happening to it once — and I didn’t end up in Bayonne, which begs the question: “Exactly why is there a bridge between Staten Island and Bayonne, and if it is so important, why is it closed?”

The worst part about this whole disaster was once I got off the highway in Port Richmond, I couldn’t find my way to Cosmo’s for the life of me, and the hair that I didn’t pull out while I was lost kept growing longer and longer.

Thankfully, Cosmo doesn’t charge by the inch, which is a good thing, because my haircut was about two months overdue!

Which means that I looked a lot like Larry Fine, the funny-looking member of the Three Stooges.

What? You don’t know about the Stooges? I will tell you about the Stooges.

The first thing you need to know is I change the channel a lot on the Zenith in the living room, so much so that I keep a giant Costco-sized pack of batteries on the coffee table just incase the buttons on the clicker don’t work fast enough. But the one thing that stops me dead in my tracks — every time — is when I hear the “Three Blind Mice” theme song of every great Stooges short.

Then, I sit back and watch to masters of mirth do their thing while I yell to Sharon to get in here so she doesn’t miss anything (a habit that usually causes me to miss some things).

The Three Stooges entertained every kid and adult in the post-vaudeville era and right here in Bensonhurst, and directly across the Street from the Peter C. LaBella Funeral Chapel at 2625 Harway Ave. you’ll see a row of four attached houses at the corner of Bay 43rd Street, numbered 26-26, that were built by the Three Stooges.

Moe Howard was born in Bensonhurst and the fourth oldest of the five Howard brothers (I think that makes him the second born); his real name was Moses Horwitz and he and his brothers Jerome (Curly) and Shemp (Shemp) performed with him as the Three Stooges.

However, there’s another Stooge that came into the act later, Larry Fine, born Louis Feinberg, he was the frizzy-haired star of the legendary comedy team with Moe and Curley.

I’m sorry to learn and want to extend sincere condolences to Stan Rohar on the passing of his lovely wife, lifelong friend, companion, and business partner Sandy.

She is a tremendous loss to the Bensonhurst community. Stan and Sandy were Big Screechers from our get-go and always fully supported us. We will always miss this elegant lovely lady, co-owner of the Mother and Daughter Cotton Shop on 86th Street that featured aprons, smocks, and house dresses for most of the ladies, moms, and daughters in Bensonhurst and surrounding neighborhoods.

May she rest in peace.

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine’s screech every Saturday on BrooklynDaily.com. E-mail him at diegovega@aol.com.

More from Around New York