I’m madder than a longhorn steer at the business end of a knife held by a short-order cook over the fact that I almost got duped into buying my favorite Christmas present for more money then the asking price needed to be!
Look, you all know the ol’ Screecher has a tough time getting money out of the mattress under the floor boards in the attic not so much because it is so difficult to get up there, but more so because of the fact it pains me to spend anything on anything that doesn’t eventually end up in my stomach.
That’s why I was so excited to see an add in last week’s Sunday newspaper that promise some of the best steaks from Omaha for just $49.99! I finally had the perfect present to give to all my friends and relatives: something they could cook for me the next time I come over! So I dialed up the 800 number on the telephone in the kitchen and was ready to order huge cartons of filet mignons, top sirloin steaks, boneless chicken breasts, steak burgers, gourmet jumbo franks, and stuffed baked potatoes for everyone one I could think of thinking I could get me some good eatings (without even having to clear the table and do the dishes) for weeks to come!
But as usual, the moment I got through to the operator I got put on hold, and couldn’t place my order as quickly as I wanted to. I decided to spend the time I now had to spare spending quality time on the terlet around the corner from the kitchen. I grabbed the newspaper and stretched the kitchen phone cord into the bathroom and got down to business.
That’s when I turned the page and almost fell off my throne! Lo and behold before my eyes was another ad for the steaks — but this time for $39.99!
A few moments later I had a representative on the phone, and I demanded to know how they had the gall, the nerve, and the audacity to charge both $39.99 and $49.99 for the same thing in the same paper!?
And she retorted, “Well, which one do you want?”
I guess she could see the steam coming out of my ears from across the line when, after a moment of silence, she answered herself:
“I guess you want the cheaper on.”
I placed the order and, later on, picked up a copy of the Daily News where I was shocked — shocked — to learn that Kate Middleton wore a dress she had worn before when she came to New York. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Screecher, you’re messing with the time line. Are you trying to say she wore the same dress when she was here last time, or are you saying she wore the same dress some other time someplace else, and now she is wearing it in New York.”
My answer to you is “Who cares!” I’m actually glad she had the moxie to re-use her clothes. I guess even royals wash their clothes and intend to wear them at some other time. I really think the News has better use for its front page ink — like scaring away octopuses!
Now for coming attractions of refreshing good news.
Maria Campanella, better known as the Ice Cream Girl, is coming out with a children’s book centered around her adventures with her loyal sidekick “Chicken,” a teacup-sized Maltese dog. Maria runs the neighborhood ice cream truck and is beloved by the children who impatiently wait to hear her coming. She is friendly, patient, kind, cool, fun, reliable, smart, wise, and totally committed to the communities she tirelessly serves — not only withe the Ice cream she sells, but also with the hours and hours of community work she does.
Maria serves as a big sister and guardian angel to the neighborhood kid, always there to have fun with them, look after them, and, more importantly, guide them. Her book caters primarily to children 10 and under —a constituency of more than a million children right here in New York City. The book is dedicated to her late father Chubby (who trained her in the art of mobile ice creamifiation) and her mom Mama Rita, who both are naturally part of the book.
Maria I’m anxiously waiting for my autographed copy from you. It should say: “To my biggest loser in my Spumoni Eating Contest at L&B Spumoni Gardens.”
Speaking of goodies, BWECC!’s 54th gala’s honorees will be introduced at a cake-cutting ceremony in Harway Terrace’s Community Room on Thursday, Dec.18. For info contact bwecc@aol.com
Happy Birthday to Randi and welcome to my beautiful great, great grand nephew Christian Matthew, born Dec. 7.
Screech at you next week!
