So what happened to Ben Muessig in Sunday’s Pittsburgh Marathon? Nothing good, that’s for sure.
Marathon time-keepers revealed that Muessig didn’t even crack the four-hour mark, the Holy Grail of the first-time long-distance runner.
“That’s really disheartening not only to me, Ben’s mentor, but to all the readers of The Brooklyn Paper, who had been so touched by our recent video of his bizarre training regimen that they filled our Inbox with e-mails of support,” said Brooklyn Paper Editor Gersh Kuntzman, whose only connection to long-distance training is his renown for breaking the four-hour nap.
Muessig finished the 26-mile death march in 4:14:26, good enough for 1,822nd place in the 3,447-person race.
He admitted that he was disappointed, too.
“They say that ‘winners never quit and quitters never win.’ But what about the people who don’t quit and still don’t win?” said Muessig, who attributed his loss to a poorly-planned pit stop between miles 13 and 14 when he stopped jogging to consume slices of roast beef, sugar-packed Smarties, and an unhealthy amount of Advil.
Roast beef, Smarties and Advil are not considered performance-enhancing drugs. Obviously.
In the wake of our online coverage of Muessig’s debacle, Brooklyn Paper readers have rushed to the defense of our would-be Zatopek.
“I just read the online article about Ben Muessig — how dare Gersh Kuntzman mock him?” wrote Paul Nelson, chief of staff for Assemblywoman Joan Millman (D–Cobble Hill) and a marathoner himself.
“Muessig finished in the top half (almost). Has Kuntzman ever run a marathon? Does he know how hard it is? I never thought Kuntzman, who was probably too busy singing bawdy showtunes to run himself, would stoop so low as to mock Muessig’s accomplishment.”
Muessig says he is considering taking on his fellow Brooklynites in the borough’s half marathon, which will be run from Prospect Park to Coney Island on May 30.
