At the end of August, the Weekly World News will publish its last issue. For over 28 years, the News has lit up supermarket checkout counters with stories of Big Foot, Bat Boy and alien endorsements for presidential elections.
What will hurt the most, though, is the loss of its great voice of conservatism, columnist Ed Anger. Since 1979, Anger’s rants on paving the rain forests, abolishing social security and demeaning Phil Donahue struck a chord with Americans of a certain variety.
With that in mind, we give you what could be Anger’s last column, with apologies to its creator, Rafe Klinger.
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I’m madder than Lindsay Lohan’s drug dealer over the closure of my favorite newspaper, the Weekly World News.
I mean, where are we going to turn now to find out about the real news of the day, and not that left-wing bleeding heart garbage they print in the New York Times?
And don’t tell me I can still find this quality journalism on the World Wide Internet!
When I was fighting for this country on Pork Chop Hill, I wasn’t doing it so a bunch of spoiled kids could grow fat while they look up current events on some stupid, thousand-dollar machine that was made in Japan.
That’s right, I’m pig-biting mad that kids today won’t dare pick up an American-made newspaper out of fear that they’ll get ink on their hands, so their stupid parents plunk down a grand on some crappy machine and $50 a month for a “high speed connection.” These dopes are being sold a pig in a poke!
In my day, if you wanted to look something up, you walked 10 miles uphill to the local library and waited in line to see the town’s encyclopedia, and it didn't cost one plug nickel!
Today, kids are so weak from sitting in front of those damn machines, they don’t have the strength to lift the encyclopedia, by jiminy!
You know who does like the interweb and all these foreign-made machines — Phil Donahue. I bet fancy Phil has a ton of computers in his house, and he probably gives them silly names like “Mackey,” “Big Bluey” and “Marlo.” Then, he uses them to pollute the world with his thoughts on his YouBlogSpace page! It makes my blood boil just to think about it!
One person I’m sure wouldn’t stand for any of this hooey is the Duke himself, John Wayne. In fact, I bet the Duke is turning over in his grave over all these shenanigans. If he were alive today, he’d roll up his last copy of the Weekly World News and whack some sense into these kids.
Then, he’d turn his attention to those lily-livered parents — but this time he wouldn’t be so nice. He’d pull out his trusty six shooter and blast them to Kingdom Come!
He’d end the day by eating some steak and potatoes, drinking a couple of beers and falling asleep on the couch while his lovely wife did the dishes, by gum!
And he wouldn’t have some stupid laptop computer draped over his face while he slept, he’d have ink-covered hands and his newspaper!
