Smallest-penis contest a big deal

Smallest penis in Brooklyn pageant winner Nick Gilronan (a.k.a. The Delivery Man) celebrates his victory with judge Cherry Pitz.
Photo by Stefano Giovannini

It takes a big man to show off a small penis.

Six, brave, short-membered men defied a cultural trends and put their small schmeckles to the test in the first “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant” at the King’s County Bar in East Williamsburg on Saturday.

“We wanted to show that [having a small penis] is not such a big deal,” said Aimee Arciuolo, the bar’s manager.

And she was right — none of them were a big deal, and that was the cringe-worthy point.

The pageant was split into three segments — evening wear, talent, and swim wear — during which each contestant was scored on a scale of 1 to 10 — points, not inches. In each category, the crowd picked its favorite, which was determined by who received the loudest cheers.

The winner was selected based on his total score and who the all-star panel — including Arciuolo, burlesque dancer Cherry Pitz, and Go-Go Harder, a boylesk dancer and aspiring porn star — believed had the most spirit.

During the evening wear and swim wear competitions, the contestants stood on the bar to show off their lack of endowment. Their shortcomings were dressed in specially made “tuxedos” during the former, and hidden only by a small swatch of fabric during the latter.

The talent portion featured everything from interpretive dancing to stand-up comedy, in addition to a brief interview with each contestant. All contenders went by pseudonyms — Perry Winkle, Sugar Daddy, Rip van Dinkle, The Delivery Man, Zigounette, and Flo-Rider.

The Delivery Man, also known as Nick Gilronan, a United Parcel Service employee from Queens and the crowd favorite in the talent competition and the swimwear portion, won the top spot and $200. He was also presented with a crown and a “scepter” — a giant magnifying glass — as well as some surprise canoodling with a girl on stage.

His acceptance speech, like his penis, was short.

“Some people wouldn’t advertise the fact that they won, but this was a lot of fun,” said Gilronan. “The opportunity to do this will probably never come around again.”

Arciuolo said that she got the idea for an event like this after an unexpectedly fun romp with a guy who had a penis the size of an acorn.

“It was to have fun and also to show that it’s no big deal,” she said.

After the pageant was picked up by the media, the bar began receiving hundreds of responses (with pictures) from all over the world, according to Arciuolo. Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota specifically for the pageant only to leave immediately following the competition.

“I thought it was going to be a really body positive event and overall I thought that it was,” said Liz Sheridan, who came in from New Jersey to attend the pageant. “I think that it takes a lot of balls, no matter how tiny your penis is, to enter this.”

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