A parodist with a rapier sword and a witty epeeDISADVANTAGE:
His poems are a bit of a joke, truth be told.“A Cooler 13th”
Steel bars do not a prison make
When it’s bar mitzvah day
And Daddy’s obligated to
Celebrate and pray.
So Tuvia Stern, an inmate at
The fabled New York Tombs,
Transcended lockup etiquette
And ordered party rooms.
He had the gym festooned with bunting
And rocked with festive strains
Provided by an Orthordox group
That blew out everyone’s brains.
Kin and kith and friends galore
All danced and sang out lustily,
Serenading the bar mitzvah boy
Religiously and robustily.
They ate and drank like Rahm Emanuel
Or baseball’s Leo Durocher,
The food having been most carefully catered
To be ultra-strictly kosher.
Sixty guests held forth in the cooler
For fully six-plus hours
While eight correction officers
Kept guard over baskets of flowers.
The guards as well made sure the party
Remained a private affair,
Keeping other prisoners
From infiltrating there.
The only jailbird to be found
Was the influential dad,
Who may be a convicted scammer
But on this day wasn’t bad.
The fraudster’s now upstate and serving
Two-and-a-half to seven
But at least he gave his now-a-man son
A taste of party heaven.
And he’s done the same for his lovely daughter —
Stern showed his jailhouse dash
Again when he had outsiders in
For her engagement bash.