Some fine sports headlines from the Onion • Brooklyn Paper

Some fine sports headlines from the Onion

Derek Jeter — if you think he’s done, you can go f—k yourself, too (that’s the Onion talking, not us!).
Associated Press / Robert Bukaty

Onion head writer Seth Reiss gave us his five favorite sports headlines from the world’s finest news source:

“Seeing Ken Griffey Jr. In Backwards Hat Now Just Depressing”

Why it’s funny: Like 1990s clothing styles, Junior was never the same after the turn of the century.

“Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down”

Why it’s funny: The recently retired O’Neal has allegedly spent his free-time writing Kobe Bryant hate-Tweets and not practicing free-throws.

“Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex”

Why it’s funny: If you don’t know why that’s funny, you really have no business calling yourself a fan of extra-marital sex.

Ken Griffey Jr. — man, it’s so sad.

“‘Space Jam’ Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals”

Why it’s funny: Larry Bird used to be in the NBA Finals. But he’s so boring that only Tweety Bird gets on the Jumbo-Tron (also, Celtics suck!).

“Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He’s Derek F—king Jeter”

Tiger Woods — probably having sex again.

Why it’s funny: Oh, by the way, he ended up hitting .297 on the season, so f—k you, too.

More from Around New York