Some fine sports headlines from the Onion

Some fine sports headlines from the Onion
Associated Press / Robert Bukaty

Onion head writer Seth Reiss gave us his five favorite sports headlines from the world’s finest news source:

“Seeing Ken Griffey Jr. In Backwards Hat Now Just Depressing”

Why it’s funny: Like 1990s clothing styles, Junior was never the same after the turn of the century.

Steve Nash would love to pass to Shaquille O’Neal.

“Steve Nash Sarcastically Asks Shaq To Slow Down”

Why it’s funny: The recently retired O’Neal has allegedly spent his free-time writing Kobe Bryant hate-Tweets and not practicing free-throws.

“Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex”

Why it’s funny: If you don’t know why that’s funny, you really have no business calling yourself a fan of extra-marital sex.

Ken Griffey Jr. — man, it’s so sad.

“‘Space Jam’ Actor Larry Bird Spotted At Game 2 Of NBA Finals”

Why it’s funny: Larry Bird used to be in the NBA Finals. But he’s so boring that only Tweety Bird gets on the Jumbo-Tron (also, Celtics suck!).

“Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He’s Derek F—king Jeter”

Tiger Woods — probably having sex again.

Why it’s funny: Oh, by the way, he ended up hitting .297 on the season, so f—k you, too.