Stan on goats, golf and old bonds

Goat herding has been around for 10,000 years and has done very well without government interference — but that hasn’t stopped the Department of Labor from putting its nose into that business and has now created new rules and regulations.

The owners of the goat ranches must now supply each goat herder with a place to live, all of their meals, transportation, a comfortable bed, lighting, laundry, bathrooms, and a kitchen — all government approved, of course. And catch this: every ranch owner must provide his employees with cellphones.

This means there will be 20 administrators at about $125,000 a year, 20 secretaries at about $75,000, 20 receptionists at $50,000 and 40 inspectors at $100,000 a year. Add to that office space, utilities, supplies, travel expenses and health insurance. In keeping his promise of increasing employment, my president just created 100 new jobs at a cost to taxpayers of almost 12 million bucks a year. How do you think they’re going to pay for this, Mr. Raisman?

The answers are simple:

1) They’re going to raise taxes.

2) They will print more money, causing further inflation.

3) Licenses: in a year or so, one of our very smart Congressmen will submit a bill for the purpose of issuing goat-herder licenses.

I wonder how all this makes the American Goat Society feel (and I’m not kidding! There really is an American Goat Society).

We should be hearing from it any day now, and I’m sure that it will say, “These new rules are baaaaaaaaaad”.

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After discussing the above segment, here’s something that is worth chatting about when you’re sitting by the pool with your friends. People have been playing golf for centuries. When and where did it start? Several different forms of the sport began a long time ago, but credit for the most modern version goes to the goat and sheep herders of Scotland who used their staffs to hit rocks into rabbit holes. FORE!

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As soon as you are through reading this column, do yourself a favor and dig through the back of your closet to locate that fire resistant metal box where you’ve been storing the most important papers of your life. Start pulling out the government bonds that have been there for decades. You know the ones I’m talking about. They are the ones that you received as bar mitzvah gifts.

Then look for the few wedding gift bonds that were made out to you and the misses. And of course there is that $75 bond you bought for yourself.

You were thinking that because it is a government bond, it is an ultra-safe investment that will draw interest till the day you decide to cash it in. Right?


Some of those bonds may have reached maturity and stopped adding interest a long time ago. At this moment there are $16.2 billion — that’s billion with a capitol “b” — worth of savings bonds in vaults and metal boxes that have matured, haven’t been cashed and no longer earn interest. I am [email protected] asking, “Do you own one of them?”