Quantcast
Stan’s cure for aging • Brooklyn Paper

Stan’s cure for aging

Most of us don’t realize how many chemicals there are in the foods we consume. Many of those substances serve as preservatives. Here are just a few from products on the shelves and in the refrigerator in my home:

Ken’s Steakhouse Ranch Dressing contains potassium sorbate and calcium disodium EDTA. That same Potassium sorbate is also used in the manufacturing of Yoplait Light Yogurt.

Aunt Jemima Butter Rich Syrup contains no butter, but it does contain sodium benzoate and sorbic acid as preservatives.

Hellman’s Real Mayonnaise contains calcium disodium EDTA to protect quality.

Kraft Miracle Whip Dressing contains potassium sorbate as a preservative. So does Fox’s U–bet Chocolate Flavor Syrup.

In your home you are probably still using Heinz Ketchup. We don’t. I buy the Hunt’s Brand for two reasons:

• Ever since I heard Mrs. Heinz’s foul mouth during the Kerry campaign, I stay away from her products

• In bold print, right there on the label, Hunt’s advertises “no preservatives.”

Campbell’s Condensed Tomato Soup contains the food additive, monopotassium phosphate.

Bush’s Best Pinto Beans contain calcium disodium EDTA to promote color retention.

L’oven Fresh Hearth Baked Pita Bread contains calcium propanoate as a preservative. Yes — another preservative.

Pringles are baked with maltodextrin and mono- and diglycerides. Read the very tiny print on the container.

Diet Coke is manufactured with phosphoric acid and potassium benzoate while A&W Diet Root Beer is made with sodium benzoate and phenylalanine.

Potassium sorbate plus sodium benzoate are used in the manufacture of Blue Bonnet margarine. How many times have you heard the jingle “Everything’s better with Blue Bonnet on it.”

Sodium benzoate is also used to preserve Kikkoman Soy Sauce. Think I am kidding? Start reading labels.

I am convinced that I have been consuming so many preservatives that, when I die, my body will still be loaded with them, so much so, that I may never decompose.

• • •

Bill Clinton recently became a grandfather for the second time (that we know of). If we were to engage in an impromptu meeting in a private airplane, grandchildren would absolutely be the topic we would talk mostly about. After all, as grandpa of eight — yes, I said eight — of the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, loving, handsome grandchildren on the planet, I would be happy to offer him some advice. Every part of my life, no matter how wonderful, has a down side.

First they told me, “Wait until you graduate from college.” Now you have to get a job.

Then they told me, “Wait until you get married.” Now you have to share a toilet.

And, “Wait until you buy your own house.” Now you have to fix the roof yourself.

But, wait until you become a grandpa! You hold the brand-new teensy, tiny little one, you love it, you cuddle it, you sing to it… Then you look at your watch, and it’s almost 5 o’clock. “Here’s your baby back, sweetheart. I’m heading home.”

• • •

Who said, “Hillary will say anything but change nothing.”

If you answered Barack Obama, you can take what’s behind door No. 2 or come back next week to try again for a better prize. The best prize America can get is a different presidential candidate. A.B.C. — anybody but Clinton.

She claims that she is worried about Trump being near the nuclear button. Sure! She’s the one that has the violent, explosive temper as described in book after book. The great majority of Secret Service and White House employees tell stories about her screaming foul language driven by her intense rage.

I am StanGershbein@Bellsouth.net warning that we should be more worried about her near the nuclear button.

Read Stan Gershbein’s column every Monday on BrooklynDaily.com.

More from Around New York