Carol and I are already booked on our next exotic holiday and have spent the past two hours filling out forms for the necessary visas. The following paragraph shouted at us at the end of the instructions in very bold print:
“Important! We strongly recommend using insured FedEx or UPS for shipping of passports. United States Postal Service (USPS) is strongly discouraged and Travisa Outsourcing cannot be responsible for lost, stolen or damaged documents that use the USPS service. Tracking does not show up in the USPS website until 48 hours later and is unreliable.”
Wow! The visa people “strongly discourage” using the United States Postal Service because it is “unreliable.” Just one of the several reasons our postal service is losing money. Can you think of one or two more? Be careful what you write, and don’t sign your real name and address. I’ve heard it said more than once that if you complain about poor postal service, you won’t get any service at all.
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“Near the end of last month the very famous Cherilyn Sarkasion tweeted, “If Romney gets elected, I don’t know if I can breathe the same air as him and his right-wing, racist, homophobic, women-hating, Tea Bag masters.”
I’m not sure if I understand what Ms. Sarkisian is saying. Is this another celebrity threatening to move out of this great country if a Republican wins a four-year lease at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? You don’t know who she is? Oh, I’m sorry. Well, maybe that’s because she only goes by the first four letters of her first name.
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The month of June may be 30 days long, but it is a lot more than only one month. It is “National Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month,” “National Dairy Month,” and “Turkey-Lovers Month.” Since the three I just mentioned are intended to make us eat a bit healthier, shouldn’t they be observed every month?
June is also “National Drive-Safe Month,” “Fireworks Safety Month,” and “National Safety Month.” Again I ask, shouldn’t these tenets be observed every month?
Oh, wait! It’s also “National Rose Month,” “National Iced Tea Month,” the “Great Outdoors Month,” and “National Tennis Month,” all of which have very little to do with each other.
Another month which should be celebrated every day by the families most involved is “National Potty-Training Awareness Month.” Yes! There really is such a thing and it should include training those with potty mouths.
The American Humane Association has designated June “National Adopt A Cat Month.” It also warns you not to surprise anyone with a cuddly, meowing gift. It obviously doesn’t want Felix returned.
During this “National Pest-Control Month” we honor Frankie Vasile of Brooklyn’s Best Exterminators for doing a great job of ridding our community of most disease-carrying pests in our residences.
This is also “Gay Pride Month” and “National Lesbian and Gay Book Month.”
I hate it when people use the expression, “Some of my best friends are…” but in this case, I must use it. I have some mega-magnificent friends and super-sensational neighbors who are celebrating this month.
Hey – there are people who fall in love with other people who have the same genitalia. Let’s be happy they found each other.
And finally, my very favorite celebration during the month of June is (drum roll please) … National Accordion-Awareness Month.
Barry Manilow, Deborah Norville, John Smoltz, Ross Perot, Jimmy Stewart, Charlie Chaplin, Lucy Liu, Tony Lavelli, Billy Joel, Weird Al Yankovic, Vigdis Finnbogadottir and Stanley P. Gershbein all played the squeezebox. Yup!
For many years I was a member of Local 802 and entertained at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. When I left the business, I spent countless hours volunteering my humble talents at senior centers and nursing homes, doing my best to make people smile. I am StanGershbein@Bellsouth.net asking Carol to wheel out my “Stomach Steinway.” Anybody for a little “Lady Of Spain?”
Read Stanley Gershbein's column every Monday on BrooklynDaily.com.”