Why was this night different from all other nights?
Well, for one thing, I had inserted a caffeine suppository into my rectum.
I did this at the recommendation of several Orthodox Jews. Unbeknownst to me, many Jews give themselves a bump in the trunk to avoid hunger pangs and java withdrawal on Yom Kippur — the Jewish Day of Atonement, whose central element is a daylong fast.
Now perhaps sticking a greasy piece of paraffin into your anus isn’t a part of your process of cleansing your sins, but it certainly worked for me.
Sure, there was a moment of discomfort seconds after launch, but within 10 minutes, I almost forgot that the silver bullet was even in there — except that every once in a while, a felt that familiar sensation of needing to visit the restroom.
The discomfort passed, and for the next six hours or so, I was hopped up on coffee with not a single sip passing my lips. I had so much energy, I could have built a Third Temple.
True, every 20 minutes, caffeine’s magical diuretic qualities manifested themselves by sending me back to the bathroom — even though I had consumed no liquid.
But that’s a small price to pee, I mean pay, for having plenty of energy and a reduced appetite on Yom Kippur.
I did have one pang, of course — the feeling that I was cheating by not truly fasting. After all, whether consumed in the mouth or in another orifice, caffeine was coursing through my bloodstream, a bloodstream that was not supposed to be getting anything new to work with for 24 hours.
Yes, many rabbis have signed off on Moshe’s Little Helper, but if this is Biblically legal, why not a glucose IV or a feeding tube?
After all, you hate to atone for your sins by committing one.