Carmine Santa Maria says kids eating habits are just fine, thank you

Carmine’s had it with Michelle Obama’s food policing

for The Brooklyn Paper
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I’m madder than Wimpy on a Tuesday when he has to pay up for all those hamburgers he scammed during the previous week over the fact that our First Lady is making our kids skinnier than a pair of jeans in Bushwick.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher has been known to put a little bit too much in his mouth at every sitting at the dinner table while I watch my Betamax tapes of “Bowling for Dollars” on the Zenith in the living room. But just because I spend my time speeding around on my trusty steed Tornado instead of walking on my own two feet (I’m sending that out to you, commentator John Wasserman, if that really is your name) doesn’t mean that I think our national policy should be to starve our kids so that they end up being skin and bones and brains.

But apparently that is exactly what Michelle Obama wants.

Now, ever since the Bensonhurst West End Community Council (BWECC!) honored those fabulous lunchroom ladies who feed our kids in the schools about 20 five years ago, I’ve been lauded by these American heros — most of them moms or grandmothers who treat each child as if he or she was their own — who have figured out a way to get kids to eat.

And that’s no easy task, as any mother who’s ever tried to get her kid to swallow those darned Brussels sprouts knows.

So I’m guessing the First Lady didn’t personally feed her kids, or she would know the first duty and the hardest task of the mom is to get food into her child. This was a lesson my blessed mother got right. I remember her walking down five flights of steps with an egg in hand to Izzy’s luncheonette on Grand and Mott streets — just so I’d get some protein in my malted. Now that’s a saint! And don’t think that she didn’t take me to doctor after doctor for tonics to increase my appetite because I was such a finicky eater, and that’s why I’m so fat today — apparently those tonics were very slow acting.

So to see students protesting their hunger on channels 7 and 2 because the smaller portions of nourishing foods causing kids to be lifeless, weak and dopey, I reached the very logical conclusion that Michelle’s plan, which she espouses nationwide, is just plain dopey. What’s wrong with these know-it-alls? First the mayor battles the size of soft drinks, and now the federal government, thanks to the First Lady, is causing food riots in our schools.

One of the lunch ladies clued me in a couple of weeks when she told me the kids were reenacting “Oliver” during every lunch period, demanding more food!

It’s no wonder McDonald’s is making a bundle feeding these starving kids, by Jiminy!

Now, I’m not saying Michelle isn’t a good mom. I mean, I read in some of these free-mails that come straight to my computer screen that in-between her food policing, she takes her kids on vacations to Spain, India, and the Bahamas, and brings along a whole entourage.

Getting back to our high schools, the students continually argue that they don’t want this or that, and finally, and in desperation, they are advised to just take it and dump it to avoid making a fracas. However, in the elementary schools, the little ones just tear up and cry!

The latest federal school lunch guidelines cap lunches at an average 850 calories a day. Now let me break that down for you: a slice of plain cheese pizza is about 150 calories. That means I can only eat six slices, plus but all the diet soda I want. But what if I don’t eat the crusts (which I never do)? Am I entitled to two more slices? How about another for dinner? That will be only about 1,800 calories. Can any person sustain himself on that amount? Let me remind you that I’m talking about an average size slice of pizza, not the 33 percent federal food regulation sizes.

So as the president of my new group Pleasingly Plump People, I advise all youse moms out there to do what a lot of other moms across this great country are already doing: having their kids brown-bag their lunches so they don’t starve!

Screech at you next week!

We know you can't wait to read Carmine every Sunday on So tell him so! E-mail him at!
Updated 5:36 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

YaGotta from B. Kidding Me says:
I admit this is the first time I've read one of these Carmine things, and probably the very last. Either he's supposed to be a joke version of the charming curmudgeon and missing by a mile, or he's a crusty know-nothing being given a soapbox for some unknown reason. Or maybe he's related to Shavana Abruzza.

What a waste of time and hot air!
Oct. 7, 2012, 7:59 am
Michael from Bay Ridge says:
You're fat and wheelchair bound. This is most likely because you eat an unhealthy diet, with excessive portion sizes. Do you really want to doom the children to the same sort of misery?
Children should eat less than they do, and should have healthier food.
Oct. 7, 2012, 8:17 am
Oct. 7, 2012, 8:32 am
Jim from Cobble says:
Looks like he's just going down the list of Fox News talking points (including that highschool video which was written and produced by a republican English teacher, not the kids themselves).

Only Fox News (which owns Brooklyn Paper) would be oblivious to a scooter bound blob ranting about shrinking portions of D-grade food given to our children by the lowest bidder.

Personally, I never ate that crap and always brought my own lunch to PS 29 when I was growing up.
Oct. 7, 2012, 10:12 am
AreYouSerious from Bensonhurst says:
I am still waiting for the punchline for this article. I am hoping this is a very satirical post that actually promotes healthy eating. If this isn't, then I truly feel disgusted.
Oct. 7, 2012, 10:50 am
ty from pps says:
dont let the jerks get u down carmy! u da best! u keep doin wut u do! rmembr theirs a raeson u got a colum and the rest of them jsut live dum comets!!!!
Oct. 7, 2012, 11:24 am
Red from Coney Island says:
Michelle Obama is a hypocrite of the highest degree. Her phony platform on providing healthy food for schoolchildren is a sham & decoy for her husbands failing to honor his promise to take on GMO foods. Instead, Barak appointed Monsanto executives to the top posts of every major food & agricultural department in the US government. Obama has reaped millions of dollars in donations from Monsanto & their ilk, not to mention his silence on Prop 37 in California, is deafening. Michele is nothing but a guise used to deter the facts that we are being poisoned by corporations that have US politicians firmly entrenched in their pockets
Oct. 7, 2012, 12:57 pm
Prospect Heights Resident from Prospect Heights says:
Right on, Carmine! Michelle Hussein Obama is a disgrace and a hypocrite with this menu. She finds it alright to wolf down fatty foods (and publicly, at that) regularly, while at the same time advocating for a menu that children across the country are rebelling against; a simple google search will reveal this to those who aren't aware. All this with the fact that the first lady is on the larger side herself.

I never read your work before, Carmine, but am now a loyal follower. Keep speaking truth to power.
Oct. 7, 2012, 2:15 pm
YaGotta from B. Kidding Me says:
i am gay
Oct. 7, 2012, 3:22 pm
Michael from Bay Ridge says:
i am also gay
Oct. 7, 2012, 3:23 pm
ty from pps says:
Yet another absurd Carmine rant. Such a dimwit. So, this is the Brooklyn "legend"? Doesn't recognize that being a total fat piece of crap on a mobility scooter isn't a GOAL... so sad. Getting "adult onset diabetes" at 14 years old isn't being an overachiever.
Oct. 8, 2012, 12:02 am
Dave from Park Slope says:
A fat man who has to ride a scooter is dispensing advice on nutrition for kids? The Brooklyn Paper has sunk to a new low.
Oct. 8, 2012, 5:41 am
Scott from Park Slope says:
It's one thing to feed kids that kind of diet when they're spending their days chopping wood, haying, milking cows, and all of the other sorts of physical chores American kids used to have to do (not to mention running around playing sports and such). Eat a lot of calories - Lots of calories burnt = no problem.

But what kids live like that anymore, anywhere in America? Everyone has video games and cable and computers and smart phones and every other distraction that subtracts all the time kids used to have to burn those calories. Now they're obese and suffering what used to be adult diseases.

So you can either cut off the video games, cable, computers, smart phones, and tell the kids to go outside and play (or better yet, buy an axe and tell them to chop wood), or you can change their diets so they're healthier.

I can't see the former happening, can you?
Oct. 8, 2012, 6:13 pm
please explain from . says:
when did things get so awful around here?
Oct. 9, 2012, 12:23 am
ty from pps says:
I really don't give a crap if you impersonate me by pretending I love Carmine... it's sort of dumb, but someone seems to think it's amusing. However, being a racist piece of crap is uncalled for. I wish you harm.
Oct. 9, 2012, 9:26 am
JG from Brooklyn says:
That's it. I am forwarding all of this to the NY State Assembly so they can see how one of their employees impersonates others in order to make hophobic and racist comments.
Oct. 9, 2012, 11:26 am
True That from 11211 says:
I think this was supposed to be satirical but Moochelle is destroying our kids FREEDOM. I pack my child's lunch with twinkies, soda, candy and leftover pizza slices with ranch dip so the OBAMUNISTS get the message that this country is about FREEDOM to do as we please when we please. I have started an organization to protest Moochelle's antics:

Don't Interfere with America's Bodies - Eating Trust Eating Satisfaction
Oct. 9, 2012, 3:31 pm
JG from Brooklyn says:
Ahhh I see what you did there.
Oct. 12, 2012, 10:08 am
Hansi from Vijay says:
Although their growth is slower compared to infancy, school-aged children still have high nutritional needs but fairly small appetites. Therefore it is crucial all meals and snacks continue being rich in nutrients and energy. The meals choices children make throughout the crucial years of development may influence their future health risk and may also influence food habits in later life. nutrition food for kids
Oct. 13, 2012, 7:13 am

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