Williamsburg event lets men who don’t got it, flaunt it anyway

Smallest-penis contest a big deal

Smallest penis in Brooklyn pageant winner Nick Gilronan (a.k.a. The Delivery Man) celebrates his victory with judge Cherry Pitz.
for The Brooklyn Paper
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It takes a big man to show off a small penis.

Six, brave, short-membered men defied a cultural trends and put their small schmeckles to the test in the first “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant” at the King’s County Bar in East Williamsburg on Saturday.

“We wanted to show that [having a small penis] is not such a big deal,” said Aimee Arciuolo, the bar’s manager.

And she was right — none of them were a big deal, and that was the cringe-worthy point.

The pageant was split into three segments — evening wear, talent, and swim wear — during which each contestant was scored on a scale of 1 to 10 — points, not inches. In each category, the crowd picked its favorite, which was determined by who received the loudest cheers.

The winner was selected based on his total score and who the all-star panel — including Arciuolo, burlesque dancer Cherry Pitz, and Go-Go Harder, a boylesk dancer and aspiring porn star — believed had the most spirit.

During the evening wear and swim wear competitions, the contestants stood on the bar to show off their lack of endowment. Their shortcomings were dressed in specially made “tuxedos” during the former, and hidden only by a small swatch of fabric during the latter.

The talent portion featured everything from interpretive dancing to stand-up comedy, in addition to a brief interview with each contestant. All contenders went by pseudonyms — Perry Winkle, Sugar Daddy, Rip van Dinkle, The Delivery Man, Zigounette, and Flo-Rider.

The Delivery Man, also known as Nick Gilronan, a United Parcel Service employee from Queens and the crowd favorite in the talent competition and the swimwear portion, won the top spot and $200. He was also presented with a crown and a “scepter” — a giant magnifying glass — as well as some surprise canoodling with a girl on stage.

His acceptance speech, like his penis, was short.

“Some people wouldn’t advertise the fact that they won, but this was a lot of fun,” said Gilronan. “The opportunity to do this will probably never come around again.”

Arciuolo said that she got the idea for an event like this after an unexpectedly fun romp with a guy who had a penis the size of an acorn.

“It was to have fun and also to show that it’s no big deal,” she said.

After the pageant was picked up by the media, the bar began receiving hundreds of responses (with pictures) from all over the world, according to Arciuolo. Rip van Dinkle flew in from Minnesota specifically for the pageant only to leave immediately following the competition.

“I thought it was going to be a really body positive event and overall I thought that it was,” said Liz Sheridan, who came in from New Jersey to attend the pageant. “I think that it takes a lot of balls, no matter how tiny your penis is, to enter this.”

Updated 10:13 pm, July 9, 2018
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Reasonable discourse

Swampyankee from Ruined Brooklyn says:
Congratulations Ty! Now you are the biggest with the smallest!
July 23, 2013, 7:13 am
Mike from Williamsburg says:
Native New Yorkers sure are weird.
July 23, 2013, 7:21 am
proud from bklyn says:
Proud of the paper for reporting, proud of the contestants for competing, proud of the Aimee Arciuolo for holding the event.

Point being, nothing wrong with with a penis of any size. May they all become a "member" of acceptable society as it was in the Greek and Roman times. They were "ahead" of their time and it's time we catch up to them.

Get over it and get on with it. Free Willie!!!
July 23, 2013, 9:08 am
jim from Greenpoint says:
what rarely happen with the Brooklyn paper are they out of news articles its going under......
July 23, 2013, 10:22 am
Billie from 11211 says:
Maybe they'll have a biggest vagina contest. Chooch's Cooch will win that one hands down.
July 23, 2013, 10:56 am
The Chooch from Kleinschwantz USA says:
This is GREAT!!! And the Chooch would love to enter his vagina in a contest. This is the Brooklyn I love. There are plenty of towns in the Midwest that would be happy to take the greezy braggadocios of "old Brooklyn."
July 23, 2013, 12:26 pm
Tim from Updoc says:
Lame. Guys with small peni are, well, lame.
July 23, 2013, 12:27 pm
Tim from Updoc says:
Lame. Guys with small peni are, well, lame.
July 23, 2013, 12:27 pm
The Chooch from Kleinschwantz USA says:
Tim, are you a stoopit mook from Bensonhoist by any chance? What a totally retarted comment. This is like judging a wedding cake in a bakery window entirely on the basis of its decoration. Never mind the actual ingedients. Very mook, very old Brooklyn. What if the guy with a 12-inch schlong can't get it up? What if the guy with a two-inch schlong can go all night? What are you retarded?
July 23, 2013, 1:02 pm
The Chooch from Kleinschwantz USA says:
And I'll tell YOUZ why he can't get it up. Even though he's a muscle-bound hombre who brags about schtupping every hipster chick in Williamsburg ... truth is, he only gets a hardon when he's sparring with other dudes at the gym. I wonder why. Very complicated.
July 23, 2013, 1:11 pm
Elvis from Nawcostella says:
His folks must be proud
July 23, 2013, 4:15 pm
Stringer from Bell says:
Nice Try Chooch, but you got got. served biatch!!!!!!
July 23, 2013, 6:30 pm
The Chooch from your transgendered little shythole says:
Got got by what, ——. You gender the Chooch female, and this is supposed to be the big diss? You mooks have the sexual maturity of five year olds. The Chooch is crackin' up here!
July 23, 2013, 7:56 pm
Scott from Park Slope says:
Now we finally know what diehipster's real name is and what he looks like. haha
July 24, 2013, 4:30 pm

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