It’s time to get your “O” face on — the Air Sex World Championships are coming to Williamsburg.
Yes, the same spirit that turned fake guitar playing into a nationally televised event has gone rogue, allowing you to replicate the aesthetic grace you display when you’re doing “it” to an entire audience at the Music Hall of Williamsburg — onstage and completely alone.
To be a Svengali of air sex, the bottom line is this: have a game plan. Indeed, air sex virgins should follow the advice of the veritable Wilt Chamberlain of air sex: host Chris Trew.
“Have a costume, have a game plan and commit 100 percent to whatever you’re doing,” said Trew. “If you’re having sex with a goat, then I wanna see you stroking its horns. I want that goat to be turned on.”
If the event’s anything like the U.S. Air Guitar Championship that we covered in April, then one can expect a face-full of titillation on Oct. 9. Contestants will thrust, grab and motorboat their way for two minutes, while covering all the bases of the air sex experience: meeting, seduction, foreplay, intercourse and, if successful, afterglow.
The performance is accompanied by the participant’s favorite song — you could go with Ravel’s “Bolero,” any Barry White tune or even Boston’s “More than a Feeling.”
In other words, oh, oh, oh yes.
Past that, there’s only one other rule: all climaxes must be simulated (and judges do not want to check). But everything else — props, teams and talking — is fair in this war of love.
Judges — local comedians, musicians and artists — will choose their three favorite sex acts based on a slew of factors, including realism, humor, and the ability to please the crowd (though not necessarily in the manner in which you are thinking).
The winning three will enter the final round, where they’ll do the horizontal bop to a mystery song. The champ will go on to compete the world title in Austin, TX — if he or she can penetrate the regionals later this year.
That said, all you have to do is sign up and you’re on your way to stimulating Williamsburg’s senses. Send an e-mail with your stage name (we like “Colin Oscopy”) and an MP3 file of your song to email@example.com.
Air Sex World Championships at the Music Hall of Williamsburg [66 N. Sixth St. between Kent and Wythe avenues, (718) 486-5400]. Tickets are $15. For info, visit www.airsexworldfinals.com.