The Screecher’s TV won’t work, no matter how hard he hits it • Brooklyn Paper

The Screecher’s TV won’t work, no matter how hard he hits it

I’m madder than I was the time the Zenith in the living room crapped out in the middle of the final episode of “M*A*S*H” over the fact that my big old friend in the living room — which weighs slightly less than me — has seen better days, and I just might have to change all its tubes for the last time.

Look, you all know the ol’Screecher loves nothing more than to sit in front of the boob tube for hours at a time to learn what is going on in the world while I enjoy a bucket of Sprite and a few dozen pickles. But these days, my old pal isn’t doing his job no matter how hard I whack it with my cane or how fast I run into it with my trusty steed Tornado. And to think, I thought I solved all my problems way back when when I called up my pals over at Antennae King and had his best broadcast receiver placed atop one of the twin towers of Harway Terrace to ensure my 27-incher had the sharpest picture in Brooklyn.

Now, I don’t need to tell you that what the king installed never falled, but now, it looks like its time for me to bite the bullet and by a new set — just like my lovely wife Sharon has been demanding I do since the early 1980s.

So I did a little shopping on the interweb and quickly learned that there are a lot of TVs to choose from, and they’ve got a bunch of weird connectors that the two-prong RF wire I got from Radio Shack doesn’t fit, and there’s no place to screw in that round UHF antennae I use to pick up Channel 29 in Philadelphia (Taft Broadcasting that for years brought me the Delaware Valley)!

Worse, they tell me I gotta get the cable or the fios or something so I can get a picture and then pay them every months for the rest of my life if I want to watch anything.

Folks, let me remind you that when Antennae King installed that thing, I did have a payment plan, but it lasted about three months (not counting the three I had my antennae of choice on layaway), and then it was finished! I never paid again!

And I’m really afraid of what will happen if I install one of these gigantic televisions that are the size of my living room window, then turn on the Yule Log on Christmas Eve, because I think it will burn the whole house down.

Worst of all, I’m probably getting robbed because once I invest all this time and money into picking and choosing the right television and the right television delivery system, all I’ll end up with is a bunch of channels that give you what’s expected of today’s high-paid televisions executives — garbage!

That brings me to this year’s election for mayor, which I touched on in last week’s column. Look, I’m still thinking long and hard about who will win thanks to my endorsement, but I haven’t made up my mind yet for the same reasons I didn’t want to invest in that flat-screen TV, and instead chose to stick with old realiable.

But in this case, old reliable — Bloomberg — isn’t what I’d consider a peach, and I think anyone will be better.

So far, I’ve narrowed it down to either Bill DeBlasio, John Liu, Anthony Weiner, Joe Lhota, Sal Albanese, or John Catsimatidis, but I’m not sure yet. Oh, and I’m also considering Bill Thompson, who knows me. Stay tuned!

Now for some really good news. By the time you read this my sister, Susie, will be celebrating her 93rd birthday with family and friends. So you know what my next column will be about! Happy Birthday, Sue!

Screech at you next week!

Read Carmine's screech every Sunday on BrooklynPaper.com. E-mail him at diegovega@aol.com.

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