I was sitting at a cafe with a friend recently when she told me how her son’s middle school suggested parents read their children’s texts and e-mails, to make sure everything was okay with them.
She liked that advice.
“I look at everything of my son’s, and I tell him, ‘I want to see every site you’re on, read all your texts, all your e-mails.’ ”
Without thinking, I burst out, “Ooh, I would never do that!”
My judgment was inherent in my comment, and she recoiled slightly. I apologized.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I feel like that’s a real invasion of privacy, even in the name of trying to help them. It’s like reading your kids’ journal.”
She looked at me quizzically.
“Really, you think it’s the same?”
“It’s the modern equivalent,” I said.
We didn’t go much further, changing the subject to something else. But I thought about it a lot and when my kids came home from school, faces buried in their iPhones, I brought it up.
“I never would read your texts or e-mails or anything to find out what’s up with you,” I said.
“I know,” the little one said.
“But, then, I need you to tell me what’s going on with you, if there are any issues with friends, or anyone at school.”
“I will, I do,” he said.
I looked at him, staring into his eyes.
“Do you?” I asked.
I am not sure that my kids tell me everything that’s going on with them, everything that happens at school that might upset them, every “inappropriate” site they visit and the effect it has on them, every exchange via text or e-mail that gives them pause. But isn’t that okay?
I love my children dearly, I care very much how they’re doing, that they’re happy and that they are able to partake in healthy relationships with other people. But there is a point — and maybe I’m weird — where it is their business and theirs to figure. Just like with their homework, which I let them handle on their own, I am there for support, but that’s it. Their homework, their friendships, their idea of what sites are cool and fun are just theirs.
Maybe this strategy to trust in their independence will bite me in the ass. Maybe my kids will slip through the cracks if I’m not vigilantly monitoring their every move. But I have to trust them, don’t I? Sure, they are only 11 and 13, but if not now, when?
I always wonder where the dividing line is when kids are under constant watch and when they are expected to be responsible on their own. I don’t think that there is an answer. Each kid is different.
I just have to remember to be around, to be open and to keep my snap judgments in check if I want them to tell me things. Sometimes I hear in my tone how I think my boys have made a bad choice, and I remember the times when they walked away saying they shouldn’t have told me something, because they knew I’d get mad.
Note to self on things to do to keep the honest lines of communication open:
• Count to 10 before responding to anything kids say.
• Pull the judging looks off your face when kids tell you something, like a good therapist might.
• Ask casually about something you might suspect but don’t seem like you’re overly concerned. (My kids try hard not to worry me.)
• Have fun with your kids. The best, most real info seems to get imparted when we’re just hanging out and everyone feels comfortable.
• Don’t lose their trust by doing something behind their backs. If you feel it best to monitor, do like my friend did and let them know.
What do you think? Do you think you should monitor all electronic communication for the good of your kids? Let me know!
